Sleep.
I. Darkness creeps over my visage
With the grace of a welcoming blanket
Here to wrap itself around me;
It never fails to bring comfort,
Reminding me I can now relax,
And am now plagued no more by
The troubles I have faced today,
But laced with worried embroidery,
Reminding me of the million ways
In which everything in my life
Could go wrong tomorrow,
Or how a crook, thief, murderer
Can snuff me in my sleep,
(Or maybe when I'm awake, too;
I don't know how crazy they are)
And otherwise how I can die,
How I can simply cease to exist,
Among perfect silence.
II. I pull the sheets off me,
Watching lightning bugs form
And bounce off my skin,
Making sounds like
Minuscule lightning bolts,
As though it was a tiny city
That had been living on my legs,
And was decimated by my benign action,
Power ripped from the denizens.
III. The moon gleams outside,
Blessing my eyes with its grace,
Though the window blinds block
Some of the giant cheese's light.
I sit and peer back, soon disappointed;
It is only half of a moon I see,
And I see I am none of a werewolf.
IV. Wispy tendrils of smoke drift
Below the endless expanse of sky,
Like desperate figures trying hard
To fly upwards and touch the moon above,
And yet unable to command their rocket
To blast anywhere but downwards;
Their efforts are all but futile,
But they keep trying anyway.
V. Mystified, I wrap the night
Around my frail, tiny body,
Gaze away from the beauteous sight,
And sleep with fear anew.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,821 Reviews
Yo.
Happy Review Day~
I dig this. You have some really lovely images coupled with great word-choice in some places. I'm a bit tetchy about the line-by-line capitalisation, because even though it goes well, aesthetically, with the roman numerals and the idea that I gleaned from it (how every line is in itself a beginning and an end//a parallel to day and night) is lovely, the flow isn't all that spectacular. A lot of the time, enjambment + line-by-line capitalisation works really well, but in this case, it halts the reader instead of allowing the imagery to acquire a sort of ... cadence? I find that line-by-line capitalisation works strongest with enjambment when A) the line is /already/ strong enough to stand on its own, but B) also establishes a sense of continuation with the next line. An example of this is probably your last two lines ('Gaze away from the beauteous site//And sleep with fear anew.'), but the first two lines in sequence five aren't working it for me. Because the language is a mix of semi-formal, formal, and just plain casual (where you use diction like 'blast' and 'crazy'), I'd suggest sticking with sentence-by-sentence capitalisation instead of the form you've got rolling here.
Besides that, you need to strip down the fat and buff up the content in a couple of places. I'm not the biggest fan of part I; there's too much repetition of ideas there for my taste. ('welcoming blanket' 'brings me comfort' stands as an example--you've already implied that the darkness brings you comfort; there's no need to reassert the thought in all its blatancy.) The entire first section is, in fact, a mouthful, and it speaks of great ideas but uses fickle, worldly examples to portray them (crooks, thieves, and murderers). It's a run-away with too many end-stopped lines and it's ... jarring, to say the least. Read that first part out. Condense, sort out the flow, cut out the extra, meaningless bits.
I like part II in terms of imagery, but it doesn't convey anything concrete. Look into that.
'grace' is a word I dislike in part III. It's a callback to 'welcoming grace' in part I and I feel like you could build up much stronger emotions than this.
'giant cheese'? Really? Don't make this a joke stanza pls.
I love part V. It's a strong way to end the piece.
There's a definite need to achieve a balance in tone and language. You can't consistently build up a tone only to break it once the voice acquires strength. Work on this.
Hope this helped. Keep writing!
PM me if you have any questions.
~Pomp
hey my name is Hannah and here is my review on your poem.
I loved reading this poem its amazing. I also love how you have used greek/latin numbers at the start of the paragraphs. I have found no spelling or grammar errors or anything wrong with punctuation marks etc. I think this is an amazing poem and I think you should keep up the good work
Can I just say that this just put my thoughts to words? Everything I've been thinking and all the things whizzing in my mind is in this! AMAZING!!! I dont know how else to say it. This is just so perfect i dont know what to say lol great work
PLAGIARISM
Nah, this is cool, actually.
I KNOW I'M SO HORRIBLE RIGHT?
And thanks, I'm happy to see it met your approval. This was actually inspired by a scene I distinctly remember a few nights ago. Too, because I'd read your poem previously, I was inspired to sort of string together a series of poems around what I remember. I also have a second part to the saga, and that's based on some things that happened the following day. I'll be sure to post that when I can, especially as I think I like it even more than this first part here. Of course, I know that, in the future, just like I do with all of my other poems, I'll probably hate these two with a passion. However, as for right now...eh. I'm happy with them, and I'm happy to see you are too.