Young Writers Society

Hello, InfiniteRectangles here. Happy Review Day!

Okay, I'll start with the things I liked. I really liked the rhythm and flow of this poem. I didn't find any instances of flow interruption, which is great because I almost always find flow interruption in at least a couple of lines. I loved the way this poem ended. It was very effective at getting your point across and I liked the finality of it. Some ending don't really feel like endings, but yours did so kudos to you!

Now let's get to the nit-picking. In the beginning I felt like you over-punctuated. You have commas after lines where they aren't necessarily needed.

"Hammers engraved in slander,
By depraved fear made,
Does not mix well with the glass
That falls on the cat,
Who runs away from my arms,
My pathetic attempt to help,
Tail tucked between its legs."

There were a lot of commas here and to me they didn't really seem necessary. My suggestion to help with this is to set up your punctuation the same way you would when writing prose.

The next thing I wanted to point out was that sometimes your poem sounded a bit forced. It seemed like you were trying a bit too hard to be poetic, almost to the point where it was like you were showing off. That isn't the way you want your readers to feel. You definitely don't want your readers thinking you're arrogant. It also sounded like you were trying to hard to make this into satire. Great satire rolls off the tongue naturally and doesn't feel forced. Also, I know you labeled this as satire, but it doesn't strike me as very satirical. There were some satire elements in this piece, definitely, but it just didn't feel much like satire.

Anyway, that's all I have for you. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!

Hiya!

This is pretty good. I especially like the ending with the gap. That hit pretty hard and was really effective.

There are some things I'm not as fond of though. This poem strikes me as a little preachy. It's not bad enough that you have to change it, but the lines that are the biggest offenders to me are:

Wondering why the fact stands that
It is so easy to blame others

With worried words of love,
Preaching how those stranded by hate
Are but rabid dogs disguised as docile sheep,
Unable and unworthy of adoption,
Certainly too vile to be saved.

Hammers engraved in slander, by depraved fear made, does not mix well with the glass that falls on the cat, who runs away from my arms, my pathetic attempt to help, tail tucked between its legs.

I like your use of language and your vocabulary. This is good and decently written. I'm a new writer here so I can say your better than me. But it my perspective this work is good.

Hi jessiebear here to review your poem.

TheSilverFox I loved the poem just I think I could do with a little more fixing up. And I dos not want this to sound rood.
What I liked about this poem is to me it was relaxing and gentile.

What I think needs to be fixed is the fall stops. And maybe a little bit more feeling. But over all I love the poem.