Child,
I cannot explain to you
Just how the world works -
You're not ready to know.
But why is this so?
Won't I learn eventually?
Why can't I understand it
Any a time like now?
Child,
It isn't appropriate;
This is for grown-ups,
And you need to remain innocent.
But why is this so?
If I can't learn what is good,
How can I dodge the vile?
And why must children be ignorant?
Child,
You have but only a few years
To be carefree and do as you wish.
You must treasure this time well.
But why is this so?
Why must I be shackled by knowledge?
Can I not be both intelligent
And innocent?
Child,
If you learn how evil
This great wide world is,
You are no more innocent,
As your heart is clouded
In thoughts of darkness,
And here the chains bind you early.
But why is this so?
If I learn what is right,
And figure out what is wrong,
I can become all the more innocent
If I follow the right alone.
By remaining blissfully ignorant,
I am already chained;
Awaiting the heartbreak of life,
I will find myself yet more bruised.
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139,507 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
HEYYYY CELLO HERE!
Sorry, a bit energetic right now.
Amazing poem. You had beautiful language and conveyed a great story/lesson/meaning. I'm horrible at praising things but I loved this.
On to the edits and suggestion!
The third line is the only line (in the whole poem) ended with a '-' even though it could easily be ended with a period. I'm always a sucker for consistency so... *nudges '.' in your direction*
Maybe instead of 'isn't appropriate' say something like 'you aren't ready'
wait you already used that umIgnore me. Still, maybe something like 'You're unprepared' or 'You're simply to young'. I don't know.Bam!
I don't know- just felt that interjection was necessary.
This hit me hard. That's all I can say.
I know this probably wasn't much help but I hope I helped you improved at least a bit. You have a beautiful flow and writing style. Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Hey, I'm here to review.
Ooh, I'm looking for poems like this with no consistent, abundance of metaphors and whatnot, and simply convey thought processes. I like it, seeing it's not as subtle as other poems seem to be and is rather direct on conveying its message.
One suggestion I can give to you is to put the stanzas for the child's dialogues, a bit to the center, so that what we know who's talking. It would do great to clear the confusion of some readers, and would make the reading nicer.
I also have to point out the need of using lowercase letters at the start of a line since the stanza is basically line breaks. This one, for example: "Child, / I cannot explain to you / Just how the world works - / You're not ready to know." This can be read as a sentence, and the "J" and "Y" need to be decapitalized.
It seems like "in" is not very suitable; "by" or "with" seems to suit more.
Anyway, I like the message of this poem. I have to say this is not a satire piece since it's all serious and no humour, and more to social commentary/criticism. The last two stanzas seem longer than the ones before, and it breaks the pattern when you can make it simpler. Like this one:
Can be changed to:
I cut the line about you not being innocent completely because I think the line before it shows that. I also cut the last line because frankly it doesn't make much sense as it doesn't correlate with the thoughts of darkness. Instead of focusing the world as great and wide, I simply put it as world.
That is all! Keep it up!
Hello, TheSilverFox! What a wonderful poem you've got here.
Before I start, I'd like to say: Happy Review Day!!!
Okay, no to the poem. I thought this was very true, and that anyone could relate to this. It sort of warmed my heart almost, gave me this feeling like it was all very true. It gave a powerful message to I'm pretty sure everyone who read it, and I'd just like to say that you're an amazing writer for writing this. <3
This is probably my favorite part throughout the whole poem. This was one of the parts that gave the most meaning to me, and one of the most important parts.
Right now I feel speechless from reading this, it's that strong and emotional. I don't really have much to say about grammar or spelling issues, looks like you've already got that covered.
Honestly, though, there was one thing that did bother me, which was the speaking of two different people. I thought it was wonderful, just that it could be separated a little bit better. I would suggest changing one of the to italics, but I don't want to decide what to do for you. However, I do understand that having "Child," at the beginning of the other person's speaking was creative, just that it was kind of hard for me to keep track sometimes. I don't have anything against the different people speaking, I just thought about the separating and it seemed a little confusing at times. But how it is placed right now is wonderful.
This is just so wonderful and beautiful that I don't really have much to say (if you haven't already realized). I love reading your works because everyone can relate to them, it feels like you aren't just writing for yourself. I feel here that you poured down all the words that you thought were true, and it felt like it came from your heart. This definitely shows how passionate you are with writing, and how much you care about it.
I'd like to wrap this thing up by saying how much I adore your writing - which I probably mentioned - nevertheless, that is true and I want you to keep writing more and more. I don't know how you can make such a masterpiece, such a beautiful piece of art, but however you do it keep doing it. This was amazing!
Sorry if this was a short review.
- Sunset
This poem has a strong powerful meaning to it, I love it. I don't have the ability to create such a masterpiece.
Ew this poem is beautiful.