I sit and watch the red fire sparks fly,
Watch them soar into the sky.
As they disappear into the haze,
I try to remember the good old days.
I try to remember the sun's bright rays.
No good is coming to my mind,
Just everything I struggled to leave behind.
My brain seems to let go,
What I want to see my mind won't show.
Show me memories of good days, not bad.
Show me memories of all the fun I had.
Show me memories of the good in life,
Don't show me memories of all my strife.
Don't show me memories that left a hole in my heart,
Don't show me memories that made me fall apart.
Love lost, love gained.
My memories are too often pained.
I think of the hardships of my past,
I think of the person who acted like a mast.
Holding me strong against the storm,
When I went cold, she struggled to keep me warm.
I wish I could reverse the clock,
Go back once more and stand on the dock.
I'd thank her for never leaving my side,
Throughout the entire life long ride.
My friend is gone now, taken by war.
My friend is gone now, and I can't stand it anymore.
Was it a quick death, or was it full of pain?
I will never know the truth, but in my heart her memory will always remain.
I want to give up and quit breathing,
I want to give up and not go on living.
If she can't share this life with me,
I don't want to live God, can't you see?
Take me away, God I beg of you please.
Take me away, God I beg upon my knees.
Out of the black sky a light shines from above,
I look up to it and feel embraced in a warm cloud of love.
A smile spreads across my face,
I am happy that God has shown me pity and granted me grace.
I reach out to embrace my friend once more,
But she shakes her head and closes the door.
"Come back!" I beg, "Don't leave me here!"
She smiles down and me and shakes her head,
"Dear friend," she says, "I am dead.
Don't hold on to me, let me go.
Live your life, I'm telling you so.
Too soon you will be up here with me,
Go on living and you will see.
I am always with you no matter what,
I'll be by your side when you are in a rut.
I'm here for you always ; I will never leave your side.
Just let me go and enjoy the rest of the ride.
I love you now, I loved you then.
One day I will see you again.
Let me go, please and go on living.
Be happy of the time you have been given."
With that she once again closes the door,
And I feel relieved that I shall see her once more.
I do as she says and go on living.
I do my best to continue giving.
I know she is with my, by my side.
Now I can sit back and enjoy the ride.
I talk to her every day,
I get down on my knees and pray.
I know she can hear me, I know she can see.
She can see me doing as she said,
And as I watch the fire sparks so red,
I remember the good things we once shared,
And I remember never again to be scared.
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Canary word: Present
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129,848 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
Hello, dear! A few things:
"I think of the person who acted like a mast." I would suggest changing the end of that, as it ruins the flow of writing. May I suggest "I think of the person who acted a mast"? Or some variation of it to make it yours?
Another one: "Take me away God, I beg upon my knees." Again with the flow. Why not "beg on my knees?"
Other than these, nothing is wrong here that I can see. This is a really fine work. One with wondrously real emotions. Thank you for this
Thank you so much for your review!! I appreciate it and shall try and fix it up =)
I can feel the heartbreak in this as I read it.
One of my suggestions is that you shorten this down a little bit. Though there is nothing wrong with the length it is at right now. It is a decent length, but it is harder to read since it is a longer poem. I shouldn't say anything really as I can write pretty damn long poems myself. but for this one, shorter could work better. You add in a lot of stuff, that may not be necessary for it. You added in this big blurb of her dead friend telling her something. I didn't get that. Unless she was like a 'Guardian angle" who was able to actually communicate with her charge, I don't understand.
Okay, It is time for me to go to bed, so I'm afraid I have to cut this short. Please don't be saddened by the lack of good things I said. I loved this poem, but just simply ran out of time.
~Tulip.
Thank you Tulip!
This poem seems very pained which is such a strong tone to have while writing a poem, so well done there. I think the more naked and harsh a poem is, the better. The rhyming scheme made it have a very good rhythm. I loved the harshness of it.
Keep at it!
Here's a little tough-love:
To critique it, I would have to say add more literary device! (similes, metaphors, imagery, personification, etc.) A poem is not a word for word description of an event, and the author should not tell the audience how he or she feels. The author should SHOW them using imagery and symbolism. Using poetic devices such as similes and metaphors add so much to the poem, and unfortunately, I feel that your poem lacked in that. Take the poem: "I know why the caged bird sings" for instance. We feel so much of the speaker's pain and they show us all that they have been through without TELLING us. Do you see the difference? Some of the best poems are the ones that we have no idea what event happened. We just know how the speaker feels and can infer the rest.
I see you are only 14, so I suggest since you are a good writer, take all the English/Writing/Reading classes you can. You are already so advanced in your writings, you will be incredible with just a little bit more guidance. I would also suggest reading more poems. I suggest Maya Angelou, Margaret Atwood, and Robert Frost (3 personal favorites of mine). Watch how they can transcribe a single event into a poetic emotion. A good poem is WRITTEN from the heart, EDITED with the mind, and PUBLISHED with the courage.
All in all, I thought it was decently written and captivating.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Thank you so much for your review TheSliv16! It helped me a lot, and I was really happy to have someone critique this one =)
Thank you for the praise and the advice, I needed both =)
Beautiful...
This poem is so cool! Luv it!
Thank you =)
I loved this. Not boring at all
Can't wait to hear more!
Thank you, its just something I though up one day =)
In one day? Wow! Thats really impresive!
*thought
The longest I have ever spent on a poem was half an hour. For me, when the right thing comes along it just flows from my head. Then once its done it shuts down for a bit xD