When you look at the full moon,
What do you see?
What do you hear?
Do you see the beauty of the lake?
Do you here the promise that I make?
I will return to you soon,
I swear upon the moon.
Nothing shall get in my way,
Nothing shall keep me, not even for one day.
I shall be with you soon,
I swear upon the moon.
Spring might come and go,
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Wow! I wish I could here that actual song to this! These lyrics are amazing, and are full of meaning! There is a lot of potential in this piece! Which is extremely great!
I love the idea of 'swearing to the moon' and the way it shows how no matter what this person can remember the promise because of this symbol. I love how beautifully worded it is, and how much emotion is captured.
I think that you are an amazing writer with a lot of potential! You have a lot going for you. The story line, the emotion, the detail. Everything! It was amazing!
Keep writing bro.
~#41
Thank you Bball41! This is my sisters favorite piece of mine =) I got the idea from a friend of mine who is thinking of joining the military. Then this song just came out =)
Haieee.....Urba here....at first I'll say GOOD EVENING....
Now what do we get here...an awesome poem with awesome rythm and awesome flow of thoughts...this whole thing is just mmm....I guess you are a Robert Frost follower, aren't you? Your lines told me so...
But wait wait...action/adventure??...Well this doesn't make any sense...you should have ranked it as romantic. And I also can't call it lyrics...rather call it a poetry
When I was going through the lines I was like watching the moon before my eyes...
@.@...one of the lovely lines
And you also didn't make any stanzas...making stanzas make it easy to read for readers hovering arround...and if you don't know how to, then you can just ask a mod or donizback who loves stanzas.
I'll quote again here:
These were the best lines...
But I think the poem got a little bit off rythmed at the second part(If I part it into two pieces)...but that's okay...doesn't matter...
Keep writing...I'll wait for your another work...
bye...take care...
~Urbariazi
Thank you for your review! I shall explain a couple things to clear them up
I put it as lyrics because my best friend is thinking of helping me turn it into a song...
As for the stanzas, I did have them all separated, but when I copied and pasted then posted they turned out like that....and then I tried to fix it and it wouldn't fix...don't know if it was a glitch or what?
It happeded to me also...then donizback taught me how to make stanzas...I haven't post any of my works after that...so I still don't know how to do it so clearly...everything I can say is press shift enter to get the sentences closer and press enter to make stanzas...good luck...
Hello!
I very much like your piece of work! and I can somehow relate to it.
I'm not much of a critique, but I can give opinions as a humble reader.
- The lines "I shall be with/near/see you soon
I swear about the moon."
Are beautiful, but I think the space between each and the other aren't enough lines, and in other causes too much lines.
I like repetition in a poem it gives it a special ring and a beautiful, but I think there should be a certain number(s) between each repeated line and the other.
- I honestly like the first five lines the most. Questions are the greatest way to bring back good memories. It gives you a good imagery of how strong the bond is between these two. The closure of the poem is beautiful too, a reminder at the end of it despite how many times they do something, adding "remember that I did x" WILL make you remember.
As an overall this is a very emotional AND beautiful piece, I really like it! Keep up the great and wonderful job!
Good luck!
Gaki.
Thank you so much Gaki! I appreciate the review andpraise! I wrote this poem for my best friend who is joining so a lot of the emotion is real. That's one thing I like to bring into my poetry is real emotions I have felt =) Thanks again!
Loving it, Selina! I'm jealous of you. XD
Thanks sis! I'm jealous of your stories =P
You have no reason to be. Yours are awesome.
Heyo friend, xJ here to review!
Let me start with the title, first off I love the title! "I swear upon the moon" is already a good hook for the reader.
9th line from the top: "Nothing shall keep me, not even for one extra day." I feel like adding the word extra was not really needed, so I would leave that out.
14th line from the top: "Yet when summer breaks around the corner," Replace yet with but.
I also feel like you kept repeating the word "much" in this poem. Try to use more words, you've got a good head, use those fancy words!
At the end, "Remember that I swore upon the moon." The rest of the poem is in present tense while this final line is in past tense. And make sure you proof read before you submit.
Praise: I liked the repetition of "I swear upon the moon." I felt the emotion of the connection the two characters had together. This poem is beautiful, but you need to watch out for those careless mistakes.
Favorite Lines: "I will return to you soon, I swear upon the moon."
"Yet when summer breaks around the corner, Know that the days of being apart will be over."
"Yet we will both remember, The times spent together, Under the summer moon."
"Once nighttime comes, go outside. See the moon and remember the ride."
Lol ride or die! Great work.
May your travels through space and time be merry,
-xJ ❤︎
Thank you so much for the review!!
It's no problem. I got 150 points for it! xD
AWESOME!!!! And I got 100 percent of reviewing!
Woot woot!