A sad song plays on my friend's guitar,
A song about a time that seems so far.
This time is full of hatred and fear,
I see it in her eyes, the tear.
She tries to act like she is tough and she won't cry,
Yet when she thinks of the people who will die,
Every now and again a tear might escape her eye.
She sees the future full of killing and dying,
She sees a million bodies piling.
Devils crawl into many a soul,
Turning them as black as coal.
People with black souls rule the earth,
Each one fighting on over another's turf.
Innocent people called to kill,
Innocent people die at another's will.
Innocent people called to die,
Beneath a dark red sky.
The visions given to this girl,
Makes everyone think she is insane.
Little do they know she is a pearl,
Among the mud and rain.
The burden placed upon her heart,
Will one day rip her apart.
The pain and sorrow she does see,
Makes her long to give up and be free.
Only the music from her guitar,
Keeps her wishing upon a magic star.
Authors Note - I thought this up in five minutes so beware, it is rough and probably needs a lot of fixing up, I will be grateful for any suggestions you have =) Hope you enjoyed!
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139,005 Literary Works • 672,397 Reviews
Heya! Silentbagpipe!!
This is Eros here!!
I read your poem " A sad song plays on my friend's guitar". It has a good rhyming scheme. The rhyming scheme is aabbcc... I like the basic idea of the poem. It revlves around the the idea that a friend is realising a pain and fear of a future war like situation where many innocents will have to lose their lives. Nobody beleives her and alls her mad. Overall, it ws a good poem.
One flaw,
"She sees the future full of killing and dieing, " The spelling of " dieing" should be "dying".
Rest, Good Job, SilentBagPipe!!
Continue writing for we all love to read your stuff!
Thank you so much Eros! Your review was both inspiring and helpful, I appreciate it =) I will fix my mistake, but I don't know about posting more stuff. I don't have anything more written and my head is one big bog lol Thank you though!
-Selina
Couple of nitpicks:
I felt that it was too wordy and, thus, changed it around a little.
You repeated the words black and soul and it disrupted the flow. Try: Such people will rule the Earth
You’re repeating yourself here and it sounds awkward. Think of another line to support “beneath the dark red sky”.
Except for these technical/structural errors, your poem’s perfect! It’s a masterpiece, and I’m absolutely in love with it. You have created a depressing atmosphere, and I liked the contrast of destructive images inside of an innocent, pure soul. In the second stanza, your choice of words provided us with vivid imagery. In short, awesome work! I enjoyed reading it.
Well done, and keep writing!
Thank you so much for your helpful review! I don't know why it didn't notify me that you wrote this, but I apologize for not seeing it right away! =)
No problem!
Hello their! Its Bam here to do an amazing awesome sauce of a review haha.
"Devils crawl into many a soul," ok I don't understand this line. Might just be me, but maybe you could reword it differently?
"Each one fighting on over another's turf. " Maybe delete on? It sounds better without that word.
"Beneath a dark red sky." You should add an or and between the words "dark" and "red".
Ok, now for the positive haha.
I honestly really enjoyed this (even though you came up with it in Five minutes). It is written beautifully. This is my favorite part out of your entire poem
"Innocent people called to kill,
Innocent people die at another's will.
Innocent people called to die,
Beneath a dark red sky".
It was written perfectly, flowed really nice, and it sounds kinda creepy. Which is what I like.
Thank you so much Bam
I appreciate the review <3
P.S. I can't help this but ....* decides whether or not I should tell you*
Can I review your review? For some reason my head clicked in to grammar mode (don't ask me why, it never did that before YWS xD) but in "Hello their" its supposed to be "hello there" xD Sorry.... :S
haha Its fine, an Thank you.