This is the very first poem I ever wrote and it is for my best friend Katie. For some reason the computer deleted my poem so I had to find the piece of paper I wrote it on, in my messy room again xD Here it is -
Smiling and laughing on the outside,
Depressed and angry on the inside.
No one sees how you struggle to keep it all down,
Everyone just thinks you don't want to hang around.
One day you can't take it anymore,
You burst out all your secrets.
Then you just want to hide in your room, close the door.
You think to yourself : 'No one can hear me crying'
'No one would care if I was dying.'
You start to think there is so no God,
Or maybe he just forgot about you.
Then something so unexplainable happens,
You know He must be true.
Just when your world looks like its coming to an ending,
God comes to you, sending.
He sends you a gift so dear,
You feel His heavenly presence every time they are near.
God sent you a friend,
Someone you can rely on until the very end.
Just open your eyes and look around,
There is always a friend waiting to be found.
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Canary word: Present
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Not sure if it's just my computer acting up again, but I don't see any poem...
Yeah for some reason it deleted it....... soooo weird ill have to figure it out some other day cause I am have to jump of real quick :/ Sorry about that...
the poem was really cute and i liked your message. however i had a confusion about the rhyming scheme. you see at times you made it rhyming and then it was a blank verse.
"Smiling and laughing on the outside,
depressed and angry on the inside." i guess you tried to rhyme here but actually it did not work well. try"plastic grins and smiles adorn my face,
but i can't secure my drowning grace"
"hang around."- i feel here your lyric is binding you , the word really does not fit. think over i am sure you will come up with something better.
"No one can hear me crying
No one would even care if I was dying."- here i really like your use of words, try carrying this standard throughout.
"God comes a sending." the line doesn't make much sense, it just fits in the rhyme but it is not a complete thought. try "god both created and shatters your binding,
he gifts you the dearest person to make his motive clear"
overall the poem was cute and sweet i likes the title but later i found it was literal and not ironic, i had a laugh but better you come up with a sweet melodious title soon,
all the best
keep writing
Rituparna
Thanks Rituparna!
Aw, so sweet. I think a good name for this poem should be titled "For Katie" . I see absolutely nothing wrong with this poem and just have to point out one thing. All those times you referred to God as "he" should be uppercased to "He". Other than that this poem was great. I hope she liked it. Happy Review Day.
Thank you so much Vivian! She loved it
Well Katie's lucky to have such a nice friend who will write her poetry! Good job! I just have a few suggestions. When you say "or maybe he just forgot you" you should capitalize He, for God, unless you purposely didn't capitalize to show a loss in faith. Same thing in "you know he must be true." Other than that, it seems like a pretty solid poem. You could consider changing "angry and depressed" to something that shows instead of telling the feelings.
You could always title it "To Katie" or "Our Friendship" if you can't think of anything else.
Great job, keep writing!
I actually noticed the "he" wasn't capitalized when I had already posted it! Thanks for the advice and review!!
The theme of this is amazing. It captures what I've felt before so perfectly...I'd almost believe if someone told me I wrote it myself.
Smiling and laughing on the outside,
Instead of breaking it down like I usually do, I'm going to put a revised version that I like more. However, I really liked the way you wrote this and it's only suggestions.
Spoiler
Depressed and angry on the inside.
No one sees how you struggle to keep it all down,
Everyone thinks you just don't hang around.(simplified the words a bit here, suggestion only)
Who do you tell? Who can you trust?
One day you can't take anymore,
So you burst out all your secrets.
Then you just want to hide and close the door. (removed 'in your room' to simplify)
You think, "No one can hear me crying. (removed 'to yourself' to simplify)
No one would even care if I was dying."
You start to think that maybe there is no God,
Or maybe he just forgot about you.
Then something unexplainable happens, (removed 'so')
You know he must be true.
Just when your world looks like it's coming to an ending,
God comes a sending.
He sends you a gift so dear,
You feel His heavenly presence every time she is near.
God sent you a friend.
Someone you can rely on until the very end.
Open your eyes and look around, (removed 'just')
There is always a friend waiting to be found.
I will repeat again how moving this is to me. I think this is wonderful and the changes I made are not absolute needed changes. It's what I think makes the piece more consise as a whole.
Do not hesitate to message me a finished copy. I really do love this!
<3 ---Ky
God-sent Friend would be a good title. It's not great, but it's what came to mind.
Thank you sooo soooo sooo much! I really appreciate the review, and am so thankful for the kind words. I am happy to know that you think it makes sense because I was scared it wouldn't
So... do you write poetry usually or do you write other things?
I usually write books, poetry is a new thing to me
I wrote poetry a lot when I was little, but now I'm working on my first novel.
This is really good if it's one of the first poems you've written. I should start poetry again...
Yep, the very first
Poetry is fun.
I write novels a lot too!