" Oww!" I hissed under my breath.
I did not want Caroline hearing. She'd do it again, until I was on the floor. Her face was strait, and she didn't look happy. If she wasn't happy, she'd show you. I learnt that the hard way. I hurried up the corridor, after her. It was a real shame we were in the same classes.
I heard screaming at the top of the stairs, and I skipped steps, to get there faster. A small girl, a little younger than me, was sitting on the step, holding her hand to her stomach.
" You OK?" I asked.
She nodded, but she didn't look to sure.
" Caroline?"
She nodded again.
" She's in one of her hissy fits. Leave her be, don't do anything, OK. If she heads towards you like a herd of...nevermind. Want me to take you too Student Services?" I asked.
She shook her head.
Caroline was in a mood all day. No-body knew why, but she was creating havoc all over the school. I came out of one of the cubicles in the girls bathroom, and watched her stand in front of the mirror, applying lipstick.
" What you gawping at?"
" Nothing".
She grunted, her usual crowd sniggering at me.
Final Straw, I thought nervously.
" You know what? I'm sick of all you thinking your better than us. Your not, and because your popular, your making other people feel like nothing. I have had it up to Heaven with you's, and I'm gonna do something about it".
" What the hell did you just say?".
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140,636 Literary Works • 673,573 Reviews
Hey there, Taz,
So, this is a really interesting introduction, but it doesn't feel like a complete story. Are you planning to post another part? Or is there another part already posted? (I'm afraid I can't look at your other works properly, because the site is still mid-upgrade.) I'd be interested to see how it plays out.
Now, moving onto what we have here. Firstly, be careful with words that sound the same - for example, in "Her face was strait", the word you want is 'straight', and in "Your not, and because...", you need "you're", the contraction of "you are", rather than "your", which indicated possession.
On a slightly less nitpicky level, there's some confusion in your first paragraph. I'm not sure what Caroline has done to the narrator, or where they are. I would guess Caroline has hit the narrator, and that she is still nearby ready to strike again. But then, in the next paragraph, the narrator is running up the stairs and talking to someone else about Caroline as though she's not there. It would be very helpful if you could add some more into this opening to clear this up, because if you're confusing your reader in the first paragraph, they might not stick around to read the whole thing.
On a similar note, in the second half, it might be good to mention the crowd around Caroline before they snigger - until that moment, I had assumed Caroline was alone at the mirror, so having a crowd of people 'appear' out of the blue was a bit jarring.
Beyond that, I don't have a lot more to say about this - as I said, it seems quite short and incomplete. Please feel free to send me a link to any more of it, and to message me with any questions you have about what I've written here.
Happy writing!
Cadi x
Hey there! Welcome to YWS, I saw your story and thought I'd drop off a review! Off we go.
First off, I will just point out any typos or small nit-picks you may want to look at. I bolded any mistakes, and changed the one comma to red because it does not need to be there.
Straight not strait.
Okay not OK. Try to avoid abbreviations or "chat-speak-esque" versions of words, just to keep from looking too amateurish.
Remember the difference between "to" and "too", as well as between "your" and "you're".
I was going to the store. vs. The dress was too short.
Your house is big. vs. You're very tall. - Your is always possessive while you're is ALWAYS a contraction of you are. If you're not sure, just try substituting you are and see if it sounds right.
Last comment on this, make sure you don't unnecessarily capitalize words. Words need to be capitalized if they are beginning a sentence or a if they are a proper noun (eg. Names of people or places, I, etc.)
If you need some more tips on grammar and stuff like that, I would suggest just taking a look at some of the articles in this book: http://bcs.bedfordstmartins.com/writers ... /Main.aspx
It basically sums up everything you need to know and more about grammar and techniques for writing, and I've found it to be an invaluable resource. Even if you don't want to pick up a copy, I'm sure that your local library will have at least one of her writing manuals for you to take a look at. Very, very useful!
Now on to more overall comments. I find that this story just doesn't have the impact it could because you haven't really developed Caroline's various discretions as much as you maybe should. Maybe try drawing it out a bit and show us why she is fed up, instead of just glancing over it before jumping straight to the confrontation. Develop your characters a bit more before this because right now we don't really get how dire this situation is.
As for your plot, I would really suggest developing that a bit more as well. Right now this seems like you could turn it into so much more just by adding a bit more to it than this one confrontation. This development could come through more character development too though. You want us to connect and sympathize with your characters, and get to know them from more than just a single event. Flesh it out a bit more and that'll do so much to add to the entire impact.
Other than those few concerns I feel that you have a promising start here. With a bit of work and fleshing out it's going to be a really good story, and I'm really interested to see where you take it from here.
Great job so far, and keep writing! I hope that nothing I said was too harsh, and that it is useful advice. If you have any questions/comments please do ask, I'm here to help!
Anyways, welcome again to YWS! I hope to get the chance to read more of your work in the future.
~ Patricia Tina
Thank you for helping. I was a bit stricken when I saw how long the comment was, but, thank you. Can you do this on any of my other stories?
Please tell me what you think! I've been writing since Year 4, and people have said it's good, but I want Honest Opinions. Sorry about the bit in the middle, I had a spelling mistake. Thank you for reading, I hope I'll hear from you again, Bye!
xxx