Cracked
Chapter 1
Nicky, bouncy and bright, and, ready for the day ahead of her, jumped out of bed, and stretched her arms high in the air.
New Day, New Face.
Well, that was her motto.
She opened her wardrobe, and decided what she'd wear. It was her firt day of Collage, or CAMPUS...!
She was, a little, more than excited. She'd be having her own room, make friends, be...happy.
She liked to be happy.
She changed in double quick time, and hurried down the stairs to her last breakfast (For a while) with her parents.
" Nervous?".
That was her brother, Kane. Well, they called him that. His real name was Cole. But he was sometimes so strict, it reminded Nicky of being hit with a Cane.
Yeah..
" Maybe a little" she replied, trying hard to wipe the huge grin off her face.
" You better wipe that grin off your face!" her father growled, holding a letter.
" Huh...?"
" Don't "Huh" me, young lady! Do you know what this is?".
Nicky shook her head nervously.
Please not be my bill...
" Phone bill! Your paying this!" her father demanded, and she bit her lip.
" Sorry dad, I was just so intrgeed by Chelsea's story, well Gossip.." she trailed off, as everyone on the table frowned at her.
She excused herself form the table, and jumped up the stairs.
If she didn't pack in double quick time, she wouldn't be let off that lightly.
She arrived to the Campus, just a few miles from home. The Campus was big, and packed with cars, and people bustling in and out of each other.
" Wow..".
She parked her car in a free parking space, and stepped outside into the warm sun. It was pretty hot, and Nicky remembered what her mom slipping a note into her pocket before she left. Weaird thing to remember while looking at THE SUN...
Someone bumped into to her, and Nicky landed on her bum.
" What the hell?"
" I am sooo sorry! It's the sun, I'm going blind" a sweet girl spoke. She bent down to help Nicky up, and Nicky smiled.
" Thank you".
End of chapter
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...so this isn't a bad first chapter. Its a pretty decent premise and even though it perhaps doesn't quite have a hook here in this first chapter, there are enough interesting thing that you do find yourself wanting to read on here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, we have ourselves a rather cheery start here. This is pretty nicely done here. Its a very relaxed start, and we get a little bit of information on this person and their current situation in life. ALl in all, a pretty decent start here, and I think its interesting enough to draw readers in with this person's little motto and everything.
Okayy...well this then proceeds to jump right into what looks to be a pretty normal conversation among the family here. Its certainly off to a pretty happy start here although it is still relatively vague here as far as what the cause of this whole situation maybe. At any rate, this is opening part is going along fairly well here.
Okay the transition there is a little bit too fast there. I like the little extra detail with the phone bill and her trying to leave quickly to avoid getting interrogated but then that whole issue gets pulled out of the way much too quickly and we suddenly cut to her being in the campus, which I think is much too fast, you need to develop that conversation there a bit more, and perhaps even give a little bit of description about the setting there where the conversation, a few facial expressions and such so that it doesn't feel like it was pushed aside too fast.
Okayy...that's an interesting moment to end this one here. I feel like perhaps its a little abrupt. Focusing on the monumental moment here of going to college for the first time is perhaps a bit better than this rushed interaction here, but its still not a terrible way to end, its a decent bit, but some work does have to be done here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this wasn't a bad start, it needs a little bit of fleshing out in some places with a bit of description and the pace needs to be slowed down a touch. Anyway that's all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you, Stella. I wonder if you can help me on other stories...
Please don't be affraid to tell me more about what I'm doing wrong!
Thank you.
Hey there Taz, Stella here!
I think the 'well' might be a little redundant?
he, perhaps?
You should read this fantastic little article by the wonderful Demeter which outlines all the tricksy bits of dialogue punctuation.
You're
Okay, so I have a few pointers for you:
Pace- this is moving just a little bit too quickly for us to really get an idea for the story. Spend a little longer on each scene and each concept. Days don't move this quickly in reality. They're slow- especially when we're looking forward to something like Nicky is! Take your time, think about how conversations over your own family breakfast table happen.
First day of college- I know that when I left for college it was quite emotional. Even if Nicky herself is excited, her parents might be really sad that their little girl has grown up. Whatever the connotations- good or bad- there's going to be loads of feelings in their house. How does Nicky say goodbye? Is she feeling nostalgic? Nervous? What about all her friends from home she's going to miss? It's a really big step in a person's life and a really interesting point at which to start a story, but I think maybe you need to think about it a little more deeply rather than just glancing over all this important character development like you've done.
But overall, this has real potential! There are a few things that need going over, but smooth those out and it'll be really great!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
What do you mean?
... 1 word, revise...
What do you eman, revise? I spent ages!