Candice watched her parents drive off into the sunset. The evening sun sunk in the sky, and Candice soaked in every moment.
She was at her new school, well , Collage, for another 6 weeks.
It was posh, it looked amazing and you'd get a good degree.
Candice held the handle for her suitcase in one hand, and a timetable in the other.
She made her way into the large main reception, her heart beating fast, and the butterflies she usually had in her stomach, flying faster then ever.
" May I help?" a stern looking lady asked, and Candice nearly jumped out of her skin.
"Y-yes, sorry. I-I was wondering where my room was...?".
The lady frowned , and turned around.
"Name..?"
" Candice. Candice Pyne" Candice replied, and watched the lady intensely.
Something drew Candice in, and it was...strange.
" Ah, your the new girl. Here, read this".
The lady passed over a piece of A4, with a whole lot of writing.
"Um, thank you".
Candice smiled at her, as a goodbye, and made her way up the stairs behind her.
"F2 566" she read.
In High School, F12 or something would mean first floor.
Did F2 mean floor 2, as in, not first floor, but the second?
Uh, confusing, she though to herself.
She followed the corridor, and went up another flight of stairs. Her suitcase began to feel heavier and heavier.
At one stage, she left the suitcase by a radiator, and tried to find her way around.
Bad choice.
When she'd found the room, she went back to get her suitcase, but it had gone.
" Shoot!".
She kicked the radiator hard, and slumped down the wall.
She knew this wasn't going to be easy, but, seriously? She looked to her left, and saw a pair of socks.
Were they her's?
" What the..".
She followed the clothing trail, all the way to...
No...
Andrea Martins room?
She wanted to lash out, kick Andrea until she was lying on the floor, helplessly.
Andrea Martin was a tough girl form her old High School.
Andrea would always find a reason to hit or kick Candice, and Candice had thought she'd escaped.
The only reason why Candice knew it was her room... her name was plastered all over the door.
Candice knew better then to re-act , but if she was going to get any of her clothes back, she needed to do this.
She shut her eyes, and imagined being back at her Martial Arts class.
Self-de fence...
She threw one mighty punch at the door, followed by three kicks.
The door came toppling down, and Andrea stood in the middle of the room, holding Candice's favorite top.
Why did Andrea have to know everything?
" Oh, Candice, we meet-"
" Shut up, you cow. All I want is my clothes back, and then I'll be leaving".
Andrea laughed hollowly.
" Yeah, but you know me. Nothing ever works like that".
Candice took one step into the room.
" But you don't know me, and how I've mastered Martial Arts".
Andrea laughed again, but her too "followers" joined in too.
" Do you really think I'm scared of you, Pyne?".
Candice smiled.
" You are, and you blumming well know it".
Andrea's face straitened.
" Well, you can have your clothes back, but on one condition".
" No, Andrea, I'm sick of your conditions, and your constant abuse. I'm getting my clothes now, or you'll have it, girl".
Candice marched across the room, snatched her top out of Andrea's hands, and picked the rest of her clothes up off of the floor.
Andrea threw several punches, and a kick at Candice, but Candice was stronger now, and a few punches or a kick didn't even hurt.
She strode out of the room confidently, and stood by the door.
" You might wanna get someone to fix that" she laughed, and Andrea screamed the building down.
Thanks for reading, and sorry if it's long!!!!!
End of chapter
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140,637 Literary Works • 673,574 Reviews
Hey, I actually really enjoyed this, it wasn't too long for a chapter at all! I thought you started of really strongly with good writing and a believable main character. I really liked that the dialogue at the front desk. I think you need to work on the bit with Andrea because it seems like she has no motivation which makes the character less realistic. Also, they seem to get violent really quickly and that whole interaction seemed a bit rushed. I would go back over it and add lengthier deescriptions so the reader can really imagine the scene and work on charcterising Andrea. Think about why she's the way she is, what her childhood was like, why doesn't she like Candic etc. There were a couple of minor spelling and grammar mistakes but I'm sure you'll easily correct them with a good proof read.
Overall this was a really great start. I like that Andrea's laugh was hollow and that Candice went to a martial art class because it adds little details to the story that make it interesting. I really want to read what happens next so you should definitely keep writing this story!
Thank You, I have the 2nd chapter ready to post, but first, I have to do a bunch of reviews!
I was intrigued by this and I thought I'd try and give some constructive criticism!
I think you need to step back and think about the key events happening in your story and think about it as if it was a real situation; your characters don't really talk the way real people talk, or act the way people do in real life. If Candice really hates Andrea and is ready to get into a fight with her so abruptly, maybe you should tell the reader in more detail about the history these two have.
My advice overall would be to make things longer, more detailed, to make the story less jumpy and flow more easily- add little things, like;
"Andrea's eyes narrowed and she lashed out at Candice, trying to punch her"
^ That's not very good, but it links events up a bit better and allows a bit of a build-up to the point where Andrea starts attacking Candice, rather than saying it quickly and then moving on with your story.
I'm interested to see where you go with your story, and from your comments you seem quite discouraged- don't be! As well as my advice above, your spelling and grammar weren't perfect- but the only way to get better at writing is to keep going! You can always go back and edit these things like that.
Keep writing!
Thank You xx
Anyone?
-Silence-
I give up
Sorry if it's long!
I copied and pasted it from my Word Thing, so sorry for all the gaps and that!
Please review, but nothing nasty!
I accept anything really!