Chapter 1 Sorry If it's long!!!
I looked around.
I was alone in the school corridor, I was most defiantly late.
I didn't care though.
It was just school.
I imagined running round school corridors, people trying to grab at me, but I was to quick.
Suddenly, I heard footsteps behind me, and I ran around the corner.
" Miss White? Is that you? What time do you get out of your bed. Get here now!".
I ignored Mrs. Hall.
She thought everyone was a trouble maker, no matter who they were, or what their personalities were like. She just wanted any excuse to give someone a Detention.
I carried on down the corridor, and into the girls bathroom. The only people who would hang out there during class were the people like me.
Trouble makers.
I liked getting into trouble, it gave me a name. No-one could make me do anything, they couldn't force me too.
" Hey, Bronte, I heard you were getting excluded again? What for?".
I ignored Monica.
She just wanted to be like me. She wanted to be tough. I couldn't stand that. I didn't like her getting into trouble. I wanted to be a Lone Ranger.
" Bronte, I'm speaking to you".
" SHUT UP, Monica!".
She rolled her eyes, and sat on the edge of the sinks.
" Anyway, Bronte..-"
" Girls, get too class now!".
Uh, Mrs.Hall.
" Miss, you can't force us" Monica answered back.
Mrs. Hall frowned.
" Monica, I can do what I like. Get out of here now, before I exclude you. Don't think I'm not putting this on you, either, Bronte.
I surrendered, and creeped past her, out into the corridor. Monica sighed, and slunk out behind me.
" Good. Now off to class, both of you" she warned, and stalked off down the corridor. Her heels were the only thing making sound.
Monica growled at me.
" Why'd you give in?" she hissed.
I ignored her again.
She could be SOOO annoying.
" Oi, I'm talking to you".
" Monica, quit trying to act all tough. It's stupid. Go back to being a Goody-two-shoes".
She slapped me hard around the face.
" I'm not going back to that life. I didn't even have a life then. Who the hell are you to judge me?".
I placed my hand on my cheek, and I swear I felt a burn.
" Mean Girl" I muttered, and slunk off to class.
I sat in my Stool, staring out the classroom window. I watched the clouds float by slowly, and imagined dancing through them.
I felt a tap on my shoulder.
" Bronte, what's the answer?".
I snapped my eyes to the front.
" Uh..."
" Not paying attention!" he growled, and I rolled my eyes.
" What have I said REPEATEDLY about the rolling eyes?".
I sighed.
" Sorry sir".
" Better. Now, the Periodic Table is full of elements like Hydrogen..."
I was lost at Hydrogen, as I continued to stare out the window, before I was rudely interrupted.
Thoughts danced around my mind, things such as Homework, and making friends...
Wait, that wasn't my mind!
I looked at the girl next to me, I couldn't remember her name.
She was doodling over her science book, and drawing people I didn't recognize. I listened harder.
I wish I could please Bronte, I do sit next to her after all...
Is that what people really thought...?
End of chapter
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140,636 Literary Works • 673,573 Reviews
OK, I guess I should face the music. Please review
This community's main aim is to help writers so if you don't need help then what are you doing here?
Next, you write such great Teen Fiction, I love it! A job well done!
Okay, TanzmanianGirl. If you don't want reveiws, please don't post this on this website. Making your writing better is the soul reason for this entire site, so please don't ask for us to not review though.
Though, I must say that Master_Yoda was quite harsh. Master_Yoda, if you generate reviews for others, please be courteous to them. Using phrases like "You have spat your work out into a public forum" and "The first is that you think that you are better than we are and that we cannot help you. The second is that you don't want to face the music that your writing needs improvement." Even if it's true, what you said is very rude.
Ok. I get it. Write a review.
I said NO REVIEWS.
Hi TazmaniaGirl,
If you don't want criticism, the only bit of advice I can tell you is to keep your writing to yourself. If all you want from me is to tell you what a great writer you are, you are about to be sorely disappointed.
You have spat your work out into a public forum, and so I am going to treat it as such. I am not doing this because I am upset with you. Nor because I believe you are a hopeless writer. The world is a brutal and cold place, and I hope that this review will be your first lesson in survival.
Point 1: You are a part of a writers community. Now, there are two reasons that you might not want our help. The first is that you think that you are better than we are and that we cannot help you. The second is that you don't want to face the music that your writing needs improvement. Let me let you in on a couple of secrets. Firstly, many people on this website are better writers than you and will offer valuable insight. Secondly, if you hope to be respected as a writer at any point in your life, you are going to need to grit your teeth and accept the harsh reality that you still have a lot to learn.
Listen to what other people have to say. It might just help you become a good writer.
Point 2: If you want to be taken seriously by your readers, you need to start taking your craft seriously.
This means learning the laws of grammar. Like the use of punctuation in dialogue, like the fact that defiantly has an entirely different meaning to definitely, and like the fact that "to" and "too" are different words to be used in different contexts.
Beyond learning the laws of grammar, taking your craft seriously means learning writer ethics. A writer is a wordsmith, who does not need to rely upon the gimmicks of capslock and the overuse of exclamation marks and question marks and ellipses. Your job is to make the words themselves sing. Using simple periods, commas and words, you should be able to tell a really magical story. And if you adhere to these ethics, if you do need an occasional exclamation point, it will become far more potent.
Point 3: A writer needs to learn rhythm. Your sentence structure is repetitive. Simple short choppy sentences cannot tell an entire story. Stories are made up of a set of rhythms that their writer sets down to dictate their pace and tone. Description and powerful variances of sentence and paragraph length enable a writer to develop depth in a scene. Your treatment of this introduction is very cold and makes me feel nothing. Your sentences are all too short, and your tone is too choppy, and you describe far too little for me to build any sort of connection with your characters on any sort of level.
What to do:
You need to grit your teeth, and realize that this review was harsh. You then need to realize that it is intended to help you. Once you've done that, you need to take out your favorite book: Harry Potter, or Twilight, or the Hunger Games, or Eragon, or any other piece of writing that you admire. You need to find the parts that make you emotional, and you need to read them aloud. Gage their rhythm, sentence length, dialogue nature, and keep an eye out for grammatical trends.
Then you need to apply this to your own writing.
You have the potential to be a great writer, but only if you begin to embrace criticism.
Good luck.
I told you I didn't want a review. This is kinda hurtful!
I don't care, I want to write it on here, and this is why I don't like getting reviews. Yur hurtful, face it.
I agree, when you embrace criticism it helps!
You would agree though...
Please do not review, or say anyhting mean or rude.
I don't mind general coments though!
Okay, TanzmanianGirl. If you don't want reveiws, please don't post this on this website. Making your writing better is the soul reason for this entire site, so please don't ask for us to not review though.
Though, I must say that Master_Yoda was quite harsh. Master_Yoda, if you generate reviews for others, please be courteous to them. Using phrases like "You have spat your work out into a public forum" and "The first is that you think that you are better than we are and that we cannot help you. The second is that you don't want to face the music that your writing needs improvement." Even if it's true, what you said is very rude.