Chapter 1 ( Part 1 of 2).
The winter wind wrapped around me, as I struggled home in the cold. Ash , struggling with me, walked along with me most days, and I was extremely glad today was one of them.
I mean, who'd wanna be left alone in the freezing cold, (literally freezing) , having to walk half a mile home?
Certainly not me.
My black and white stripy gloves made no difference to my hands, and my scarf continued to flap in my face.
Ash didn't look like he was a bit bothered about gloves and a scarf, but he wore both of them, all the same.
The woods was to the left of us, as rain dripped from the very edges' of the branches, and onto my head.
It actually hurt.
Ash didn't care about that, either, but he still stood on the opposite side of me.
" So, uh , Jade , I heard that we were gonna have a storm tomorrow. You know, a Tornado?".
I shook my head.
" Stupid rumor. Joe said that to get everyone jittery. He says ' I like a thrill' " I replied.
" Oh, uh , right. Oh well".
I felt my hair freeze.
Like mini ice-icles.
Ash rubbed his hands together and blew into them.
" Does that really make you hands warmer?" I asked, watching him rub and repeat.
He shook his head.
" Not really, but it's worth a couple more goes" he shrugged, letting his arms drop back down to his side.
" Ah, well , didn't think it did. How about putting them in this thing, called a 'pocket'?" I replied, sarcastically.
He shrugged.
" Well, what if I said, I didn't have a pocket?"
" Didn't think of that".
He faced me, a smile creeping onto his face.
" What?"
" You!"
" You what?" I asked, a smile popping onto my face too.
" Nothing. Ah, here's my house" he spoke, shaking his head.
" No , Ash, that's where your Gran lives" I laughed, as he slapped my arm.
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140,638 Literary Works • 673,575 Reviews
Ehhhh well based upon the first chapter I'm not sure if I would read this. All though it sounds sort of interesting, I'm not sure on exactly what is going on unless I reread it. I prefer to be able to just read it once. I like some of your word choice though, just maybe not the way the story is set up, like organization wise. Not to be picky, but I will deffinately need to read more to base a solid oppinion. Over all though not too bad.
Hey TazmaniaGirl! I'm Sky, ready to review this work for you c:
Don't be frightened because I attacked your first sentence already. In here, I marked some commas red because I think they aren't needed. Reading it out loud with those commas makes the reader take too many pauses, which makes the story become boring.
Just be careful where you place them c:
In here, I just changed 'stripy' to 'stripped'. If Stripped was not what you were referring to, then by all means, keep it as it is. However, the sentence "made no difference to my hands" is a little...awkward. I'm guessing you're trying to express that the character is still cold, even if she has gloves on.
Here is an example of how you an rephrase it.
Example:
Though I wore black and white stripped gloves, my hands were still numb from the cold(...)
Overall:
The story so far is pretty good. There are a few things you should keep in mind.
1. Commas.
Throughout the story you're adding commas in unnecessary places. It is difficult to know where to place commas, but here's a tip. When using linking words such as "and" or "as", there is no need for commas.
Example:
The woods were to the left of us as rain dripped from the very edges of the branches and onto my head.
2. Dialogue.
Your dialogue between the characters is a tad weak, but I won't pick on that much since it's only part one. When putting quotation marks to start your dialogue, there is no need to space (" Does he..."). Also, when a character is finished talking, remember to end it with a period, comma, question mark, etc.
Example:
"Well, what if I said I didn't have a pocket?"
"Didn't think of that."
I hope this review helped you some. Good luck writing part two!
Keep writing,
Sky.
Thank You xx
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