Chapter 1.
When parents say something on your first day of High School, it's usually something like "Good luck" or " You'll do great, sweetie".
Well, my parents said the complete opposite.
" No point going, you'll get your self in even more trouble".
" If you ask me, you are too bad to even get in".
Mom and dad wished they'd never had me. Their always telling me this.
" But mom, one mistake in Junior School, doesn't mean it's going to ruin the whole of my High School years!".
My mother's glare corrected me, and I sighed annoyingly.
My parents were the opposite to normal parents.
They didn't give me hugs, or a kiss good night.
They hurt my feelings nearly the whole time I'm there, or hit my round the face when I do the slightest thing wrong.
Just because I got excluded twice, and hit Hannah three times every year, doesn't mean I'll make the same mistake!
I have decided to create a new me.
Most people would have got a face change, or commit suicide, but, I'm not like that.
If I applied some make-up, and corrected my hair, I'd look a little pretty, but it's the fact that people think I'm tough. They rely on me to do something funny, or hit someone, or answer back.
But I'm not going back to that.
So, I've decided to give it my all...
I looked at my new School helplessly.
Just because I wanted a new me, didn't mean I wanted to be here.
I adjusted my bag and sighed.
People bustled past me busily, and a few people from my old school patted me on my back.
" Erin, do something bad".
I ignored Callie.
She wanted me too do anything, so she could step her stupid feet in and do something about it.
I carried on walking up the steps, and stared at the big brown doors.
" Erin?".
I kept my focus and the door, and after a few seconds, pushed it open.
" So were playing ' Ignore Callie' now are we?".
I hurried down the corridor, as she yelled after me.
" Your pathetic, Erin! No wonder your parents want rid of you!".
I stopped in my tracks.
Now people were staring at Callie.
I spun round and pointed at her.
I knew this wasn't going to go down well.
" What the hell?" I shrugged.
She smirked.
" You have no friends. Parents who don't want you. I have all that, and more. Your pathetic" she repeated, and I lost it.
I couldn't help it.
" Callie, you like to put your foot in things that are none of your business. Like this. Is it your business that my parents don't want me? Do I care if you have the latest thing? No".
She laughed.
" But you do care, though. That's why you hit Hannah all the time though, right? What you gonna do to me? Hit me? Stupid".
I lost it more than ever...
I chased her down the corridor, and around my new school. Her shrieks filled every hallway and classroom, and finally, I grabbed her back. I threw her to the floor, and slapped her round the face. Her whole cheek grew red.
I carried on until someone practically pulled me off her.
I defiantly gave it my all, not.
End of chapter
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This a review. DUN Dun dun.
Hi Tazmania! Now, I see you have many 'Chapter ones' so I do hope you stick with this one. Honestly, I've never finished a novel myself.
I do like your main character. She seems easy to relate to, but her parents don't seem realistic. I know there are some pretty abusive parents out there. At the same time though, 'they never wanted me' isn't really a good explanation of this. There are many parents who didn't plan to have a kid, but still love them and care for them in the end. Abuse is much more complicated. I don't think a main character who as been abused would talk about it in such a nonchalant way... I know her character is tough, but it just doesn't seem right. She has to show some pain...
Besides that I just have a few nitpicks! : )
1. You need to hit enter more on the keyboard. As in, double spacing is nice! Also, indenting your paragraphs (do you even have paragraphs in this?) would be much appreciated. Though I thank you for separating your dialogue correctly.
2. They hurt my feelings nearly the whole time I'm there (Do you mean 'here'? 'There' makes it sound like she doesn't live at home.), or hit my (you want to say me) round the face when I do the slightest thing wrong.
3. There are many places in this piece where you use too many commas. For example, "Most people would have got a face change, (this can be taken out) or commit suicide, but, I'm not like that.
If I applied some make-up, (this can be taken out) and corrected my hair, I'd look a little pretty, but it's the fact that people think I'm tough."
You don't need commas between to things in a list. You only need commas between lists with three things.
4. Just because I wanted a new me, didn't mean I wanted to be here. (In this instance I feel like you should use there...)
I did like this and I think you should continue!
Thanks for the good read,
Calli
Now I have seen some glitches in the story that I would like to point out that would help you, but you refuse to take advice. I loved it, please continue and when you write the next part, post it on my wall.
Thank you for understanding, and I will!
And Also, this is not the full chapter, I just wanted to write a bit and get some comments to see wheter it's good or not.
Thank You.
Hi, and Thank You for reading.
I would like too say something, so please, listen up.
I have decided I don't want ANYONE to REVIEW IT BECAUSE all people do is tell me what I've done wrong.
I don't like being told I've done something wrong, unless, of course, ti's a teacher.
So please, DO NOT REVIEW.
If you want to comment, please do not be rude.
I may sound very self-centered, but it hurts my feelings, and if my parents see, they'll want to report you.
SO PLEASE DO NOT REVIEW, OR BE RUDE.
Thank You.
Why should I not be able to review? I just want to see you improve.
I have changed my mind, don't worry. You can review is you want