Chapter 1
Louise looked at the large school in front of her. It was a large grey building, with rose bushes either side or it, and thorns climbing up the front of the building. It was pretty if you gave it a chance, but Louise guessed people didn't even give it a second glance. The Gravel driveway was dull, more dull then the sky at that point, but the Gravel was now in 2nd place. The sky overhead was almost as grey as the school, but the white clouds shone, and it gave Louise a boost of confidence.
Louise crossed the large driveway up to the wooden doors of the school.
There were small engravings all over it, marking people's names and initials.
There were a few swear words, some so bad, it made Louise blush a little.
Louise suddenly plucked up the courage to open the door.
Three... Two...
" One" she spoke under her breath, and she pushed open the wooden doors.
She gasped as her eyes settled in front of her.
The place was more spectacular than she'd imagined.
The floors weren't manky carpets, it was a shiny floor, so shiny, you could see your reflection.
The furniture was practically brand new,
and the staircase was marble!
It was almost as if Louise had entered a palace...
that she'd be able to live in for the next 6 weeks!
End of chapter
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140,636 Literary Works • 673,573 Reviews
Thank You for the comments.
I will try to take this all on board, but remeber, I am only 12...
First, don't use the same word twice. Check a thesaurus if you need another word for large! Or try enormous, grand, huge, imposing, towering, or palatial. Even better, you could make a simile. "It was the same size and atmosphere as the Bastille, that infamous French prison". Same goes with "gray". Use words like "beige", "stone", or "ashy".
Secondly, don't use boring words like "pretty", "small", or "bad". Replace "small" with "miniscule", "microscopic", or "tiny". The swear words, instead of "bad", could be "scandalous", "shocking", or "vulgar".
Thrid, no careless spelling and grammar errors! In the second line, you wrote "or" instead of "of". There should be no comma between the "it" and the "and thorns climbing...". "Gravel" should not be capitalized in the fourth sentence, and the correct phrase is "duller", not "more dull". In the last few sentences, stop using exclamation points. Using an exclamation point is like making the sentence a holiday. If everyday were a holiday, no work would ever get done, and we'd get tired of partying and celebrating. Exclamation marks are only appropriate for special occasions, so use them sparingly and hoard them miserly. Besides this, it is also not proper English to write "6" or "45". You are supposed to write "six" or "forty-five", unless the number looks like this: 1,327,783,081,235. Because I don't even how to say that, and I'll give anyone a high five (not 5) who can.
Also, vary your sentence structure. Instead of starting every sentence with "There were" in paragraph two, spice it up with switching around the word order. Sometimes start with the subject, other times with an adjective or verbal. Also, make some sentences long and wordy, with many commas, colons, and semicolons; it gives the reader a maze of words to step through, each step or word drawing the reader deeper and deeper into your work, like a slow seduction, but hopefully not boring them. And make other sentences short. (See what I did there!)
Besides all this technical stuff, I liked the story and wonder what will happen next. I encourage you to keep writing. And the title "Do You Believe" hooked me. Yes, I do believe, I believe I've been long-winded enough and this review has come to an end.
Hehe. Thanks. I am only 12 btw...
I really appreciate your vivid description. It also allowed a little bit of the main character's personality to shine through. Your layout and flow was flawless, your conventions too.
A little more background info would be nice. Like why she gets to stay there for the next 6 weeks. But that was the only problem I noticed.
My rating:5*s
hope to hear more!
w&w
Thank You
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