There were many ways Sunny had imagined her fantasy adventure starting. Perhaps a wizard would knock on her door, claiming that she was magical. Or maybe she’d touch an old artifact and accidentally awaken a great evil. She would’ve even settled for meeting a talking cat!
But no. Instead, it all started with a rock.
To be fair, it was a nice rock. It was smooth and white and somehow seemed to emit a calming presence from where it lay on Sunny’s doorstep. But still. When Sunny saw it, she didn’t get her hopes up, because what fantasy adventure worth its salt started with a rock? The note placed underneath it didn’t look particularly impressive either. It was a scrap of lined paper, seemingly torn out of a notebook. On it was scrawled,
When she finished reading the note, Sunny glanced at the rock skeptically. “So. Is your name Robert, or is there supposed to be some other human named Robert here?” She shook her head. That wasn’t even the most confusing part of the note. What in the world was all the stuff in curly braces? It looked almost like another language, except the words were in English. …Actually, on second thought, it reminded her of one of the snippets of code on her school’s computer science teacher’s window.
But why would someone leave snippets of code for her? Sunny had her whole life planned out already, and it had nothing to do with code. She’d spent her childhood devouring all the fantasy books she could find, compiling a list of tips in a little blue notebook for when her adventure finally arrived and basically training to be a hero. Because gods and monsters and magic had to exist, right? In Sunny’s experience, most stories were based on truth. There was no way all of those myths and novels were false.
She’d hoped to go on her adventure when she was twelve, seeing as that was the typical starting age for modern fantasy protagonists, but her thirteenth and fourteenth birthdays had come and gone. But she figured it wouldn’t make much of a difference if she adventured as a high schooler instead of a middle schooler, as long as she stuck to the recipe of finding questing buddies (three including herself worked best) and defeating an enemy and saving the world. Because she was destined to be a hero. She felt it in her bones. (Okay, fine, that wasn’t entirely true. Mostly what Sunny felt from her bones was a crackling sensation when she stretched and her joints popped. She knew she had to be special in some way, though!)
Sunny had her post-quest life planned out too. She’d gain leadership skills through the whole process of saving the world, and after said saving of the world, she’d go to some prestigious Ivy League college and major in communications or business and management. Then Sunny would graduate and found her own company and serve as its CEO until she retired and spent her days writing novels in a house with a nice view of the beach. What could go wrong? Actually, scratch that. Rule #9 in Sunny’s Top Tips for Quests notebook was, “Never say, ‘what could go wrong?’ because something will immediately proceed to go wrong.” She hoped, however, that her plan would be successful. If not, she had a couple of backups.
She’d had to deploy one of those backups already, when she’d failed to find any suitable best friends in middle school. Sunny would have preferred to go questing with two people she already knew, but it was fine. Surviving life-and-death situations on quests together was a great way to make new friends.
To sum it up, Sunny was absolutely prepared for the universe to grant her a fantasy adventure. Unfortunately, nothing in her questing notebook explained what to do when faced with an ordinary-looking rock and random lines of code.
Sunny picked up the pebble, hefting it in her palm. It was heavier than it looked, but that was about all that was notable about it. She sighed. Perhaps the rock and the note were a strange early birthday gift or something from one of her relatives, and she’d have to wait a little longer for her fantasy adventure. Sunny turned to go back into the house, rock and note in hand.
But the door was gone. In its place was a strange film over the entrance to the house, swirling with iridescent colors like the surface of a soap bubble. Sunny blinked at it for a moment, rubbed her eyes, and looked again. Then she grinned and let out a loud whoop. That had to be a sign of a portal, right? Oh, she would be so disappointed if this was a dream… Sunny ran through her mental checklist of pre-quest tasks. Get ahead on schoolwork? It was summer. Make sure her parents would be alright? Well, Sunny had always told them that if she disappeared, it’d be because she’d gone on a quest, not because she’d been kidnapped… Plus, she knew martial arts, so hopefully they wouldn’t worry too much. Get her notebook? Sunny felt in her pocket and grasped the corner of her trusty notebook. Satisfied that she’d taken care of everything for now, Sunny smiled and stepped through the portal.
Going through the portal wasn’t quite as exciting as Sunny had hoped it’d be. It felt simply like going into an air-conditioned store on a hot day, with the cold air whooshing around her. Sunny didn’t see any pretty colors or streaks of light either, just a blankness, and the whole thing lasted less than five seconds. But still. It was a portal! Sunny could feel a grin splitting her face. She was finally (finally!) going on a quest!
In reality, I think a lot more people would behave like Sunny
Hello! Quill here to write a little review!
First off:I LOVE THIS the idea is such a creative take on classic fantasy and the title alone has made me want to read it for such a long time and I am happy to get a chance.l!
Second: I would like to know how I can help you the most with my reviews. Since you have a lot of reviews already I think my normal style of review may not be helpful. So maybe commentary might be helpful, something else??? Let me know!
Right now I'll start with a little of my thoughts:
Wow, I never thought I'd find any one else who understands that thing were you kida hope you're gonna be sucked into a fantasy, and I have to say, they way your write that feeling is excellent! And no best friends<3 I feel her there.
Wait, did not expect there to be an actual portal! So I'm really excited to read chapter two, this seems like a really interesting story! Let me know if there's more or different things you'd like to hear about from my reviews! Keep on writing
~ Quill
I LOVE THIS the idea is such a creative take on classic fantasy and the title alone has made me want to read it for such a long time and I am happy to get a chance.l!
I would like to know how I can help you the most with my reviews.
Chapter one was very good. when you write
"There were many ways Sunny imagined her fantasy adventure starting." I can totally relate to that. Believe me, I feel the EXACT same way.
"'Never say, 'what could go wrong?'" is very true with most of the books I have read. (a lot.)
"But no. Instead, it all started with a rock."
That is a very unusual way to start a story! Most stories do start the other ways you mentioned. Great way to start originally! I very much like the character you made. Sunny is very compelling and likeable. Although I am unfamiliar with code, you make it sound cool and I would maybe want to learn more.
"Sunny had always told them that if she disappeared, she would be gone on a quest and not kidnapped."
That is great. It really shows how Sunny is not afraid to let other people know about her questing hopes and not keep t to herself. In total, great job! keep up the good work! And, please read my new story, "The Accidental Magic."
I can totally relate to that. Believe me, I feel the EXACT same way.
Although I am unfamiliar with code, you make it sound cool and I would maybe want to learn more.
please read my new story, "The Accidental Magic."
Heya Mint! Happy New Year!
I would like to preface this review by thanking you once again for your wonderful holiday avvies! I'm sorry I couldn't put up the ones made by you (yet) since I can't seem to find the way to change my avatar.
That apart, let's get into SATSEOD. I have already become one of the biggest fans of your Totally Not Evil Bakesale series, as well as your short story with the semi-evil sorceress and the duck stew. Your style of humor makes me laugh every time. And this time is no different.
I love learning about Comp Sci even though I have zero knowledge about coding besides Scratch, basic game design and Python stuff. So, I was really interested to see this merging of Comp Sci and fantasy. I tried to run the code in a code tester but was unfortunately unsuccessful at doing so.
Well, I was pleasantly surprised. When I was eleven, I obviously became obssesed with going on a fantasy quest adventure and well, I was disappointed. No owl, no talking cat, no falling doors.
I really loved Sunny's character and how she has her whole life basically planned to perfection. It was kinda funny seeing her rant about how her quest didn't start, and even if it did, it did with this paper. And that she didn't get the group of three she wanted.
Overalll, it was very fun.. and I have no complains.
Please keep going!
I would like to preface this review by thanking you once again for your wonderful holiday avvies! I'm sorry I couldn't put up the ones made by you (yet) since I can't seem to find the way to change my avatar.
Your style of humor makes me laugh every time. And this time is no different.
I tried to run the code in a code tester but was unfortunately unsuccessful at doing so.
When I was eleven, I obviously became obssesed with going on a fantasy quest adventure and well, I was disappointed. No owl, no talking cat, no falling doors.
Please keep going!
Mint!
What a likeable and enjoyable first chapter. I know... nothing about coding outside of like stuff we do on YWS :] but this is totally readable even without that info.
I like your opening paragraph a lot because it sets this light / adventurous / mysterious / humorous mood right off the bat.
I think you've made a really likeable narrator too.
Rule #9 in Sunny’s Top Tips for Quests notebook was, “Never say, ‘what could go wrong?
I like your opening paragraph a lot because it sets this light / adventurous / mysterious / humorous mood right off the bat.
^ this is so funny and a great little character nugget - I hope you continue to corporate that sort of thing into the story.
I think that's a really unique way to narrate that way and I guess as a reader we're supposed to understand the narration as sort of extension of Sunny's thoughts maybe?
Another observation I notice in your writing style you begin a lot of sentences with "But" or "Because" not necessarily a bad thing; maybe a stylistic choice? -> but maybe something to watch that it doesn't become too frequent or distracting.
I have returned from the land of adulthood to say I, working as a full-time software developer right now, absolutely love this. Especially combined with Sunny being super genre savvy and wanting a fantasy adventure.
My only question is, out of all the programming languages they could speak in, why Java?????? xD
I have returned from the land of adulthood to say I, working as a full-time software developer right now, absolutely love this.
My only question is, out of all the programming languages they could speak in, why Java?????? xD
Hiiiiiiiii!
I loved this fantasy story so much. I showed it to my brother, who is an analyst who lives and breathes programming for a living and my sister, who is doing a Geophysics Ph.D. involving programming. We were all charmed (though my sister insists that programming is evil, lol). We used to write storybooks together, so even though we're all STEM nerds (I have my degree in Biochemical Engineering), we still love stories!
I love the fact that the language is... basic programming. Like it's such a cool idea which kind of combines sci fi and fantasy together in a lovely blend. Sometimes writers can't pull off this mix very well... but I am hopeful in this story! It's pretty fun so far. l
Anyway! Some thoughts...
She’d spent her childhood devouring all the fantasy books she could find, compiling a list of tips in a little blue notebook for when her adventure finally arrived and basically training to be a hero.
When she finished reading the note, Sunny glanced at the rock skeptically. “So. Is your name Robert, or is there supposed to be some other human named Robert here?”
Sunny picked up the pebble, hefting it in her palm.
Satisfied that she’d taken care of everything for now, Sunny smiled and stepped through the portal.
Going through the portal wasn’t quite as exciting as Sunny had hoped it’d be. It felt simply like going into an air-conditioned store on a hot day, with the cold air whooshing around her. Sunny didn’t see any pretty colors or streaks of light either, just a blankness, and the whole thing lasted less than five seconds. But still. It was a portal!
We used to write storybooks together, so even though we're all STEM nerds (I have my degree in Biochemical Engineering), we still love stories!
I want to see the list!
I sort of wish you had her look down at the rock, as if to see if the rock had any expression or something.
Wait! When I read ahead (I know, I'm bad, lol) I think you mentioned that she forgot something?? Or maybe I misread something...
I've read everything else you wrote, but... well... I'll comment on that soon, lol.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay... well this is certainly not your normal quest here. We've got a title which promises a danger that us readers can relate to very strongly and then of course we've got a premise that I personally have never seen before and a very interesting character here. All in all, it sounds like a pretty solid start here, it does more than enough to get your attention as a reader and make you intrigued about what could come next.
Anyway let's get right to it,
There were many ways Sunny had imagined her fantasy adventure starting. Perhaps a wizard would knock on her door, claiming that she was magical. Or maybe she’d touch an old artifact and accidentally awaken a great evil. She would’ve even settled for meeting a talking cat!
But no. Instead, it all started with a rock.
To be fair, it was a nice rock. It was smooth and white and somehow seemed to emit a calming presence from where it lay on Sunny’s doorstep. But still. When Sunny saw it, she didn’t get her hopes up, because what fantasy adventure worth its salt started with a rock? The note placed underneath it didn’t look particularly impressive either. It was a scrap of lined paper, seemingly torn out of a notebook. On it was scrawled,
When she finished reading the note, Sunny glanced at the rock skeptically. “So. Is your name Robert, or is there supposed to be some other human named Robert here?” She shook her head. That wasn’t even the most confusing part of the note. What in the world was all the stuff in curly braces? It looked almost like another language, except the words were in English. …Actually, on second thought, it reminded her of one of the snippets of code on her school’s computer science teacher’s window.
But why would someone leave snippets of code for her? Sunny had her whole life planned out already, and it had nothing to do with code. She’d spent her childhood devouring all the fantasy books she could find, compiling a list of tips in a little blue notebook for when her adventure finally arrived and basically training to be a hero. Because gods and monsters and magic had to exist, right? In Sunny’s experience, most stories were based on truth. There was no way all of those myths and novels were false.
She’d hoped to go on her adventure when she was twelve, seeing as that was the typical starting age for modern fantasy protagonists, but her thirteenth and fourteenth birthdays had come and gone. But she figured it wouldn’t make much of a difference if she adventured as a high schooler instead of a middle schooler, as long as she stuck to the recipe of finding questing buddies (three including herself worked best) and defeating an enemy and saving the world. Because she was destined to be a hero. She felt it in her bones. (Okay, fine, that wasn’t entirely true. Mostly what Sunny felt from her bones was a crackling sensation when she stretched and her joints popped. She knew she had to be special in some way, though!)
Sunny had her post-quest life planned out too. She’d gain leadership skills through the whole process of saving the world, and after said saving of the world, she’d go to some prestigious Ivy League college and major in communications or business and management. Then Sunny would graduate and found her own company and serve as its CEO until she retired and spent her days writing novels in a house with a nice view of the beach. What could go wrong? Actually, scratch that. Rule #9 in Sunny’s Top Tips for Quests notebook was, “Never say, ‘what could go wrong?’ because something will immediately proceed to go wrong.” She hoped, however, that her plan would be successful. If not, she had a couple of backups.
She’d had to deploy one of those backups already, when she’d failed to find any suitable best friends in middle school. Sunny would have preferred to go questing with two people she already knew, but it was fine. Surviving life-and-death situations on quests together was a great way to make new friends.
But the door was gone. In its place was a strange film over the entrance to the house, swirling with iridescent colors like the surface of a soap bubble. Sunny blinked at it for a moment, rubbed her eyes, and looked again. Then she grinned and let out a loud whoop. That had to be a sign of a portal, right? Oh, she would be so disappointed if this was a dream… Sunny ran through her mental checklist of pre-quest tasks. Get ahead on schoolwork? It was summer. Make sure her parents would be alright? Well, Sunny had always told them that if she disappeared, it’d be because she’d gone on a quest, not because she’d been kidnapped… Plus, she knew martial arts, so hopefully they wouldn’t worry too much. Get her notebook? Sunny felt in her pocket and grasped the corner of her trusty notebook. Satisfied that she’d taken care of everything for now, Sunny smiled and stepped through the portal.
Going through the portal wasn’t quite as exciting as Sunny had hoped it’d be. It felt simply like going into an air-conditioned store on a hot day, with the cold air whooshing around her. Sunny didn’t see any pretty colors or streaks of light either, just a blankness, and the whole thing lasted less than five seconds. But still. It was a portal! Sunny could feel a grin splitting her face. She was finally (finally!) going on a quest!
We've got a title which promises a danger that us readers can relate to very strongly
Given how she didn't seem immediately aware of what this was it seems a little unlikely that she'd jump immediately to the conclusion of the code in the window.
Well... that was the calmest way I've seen someone not superpowered react to a situation like that.
Overall I think you have a wonderful piece right here. It definitely manages to do the job of a first part to a first chapter.
Minty mint mint! I saw this when doing the tallying for LMS and it seems like a very fun read; I am super excited to get into this!
She would’ve even settled for meeting a talking cat!
hen Sunny saw it, she didn’t get her hopes up, because what fantasy adventure worth its salt started with a rock?
What in the world was all the stuff in curly braces? It looked almost like another language, except the words were in English. …Actually, on second thought, it reminded her of one of the snippets of code on her school’s computer science teacher’s window.
Because gods and monsters and magic had to exist, right? In Sunny’s experience, most stories were based on truth. There was no way all of those myths and novels were false.
Sunny had her post-quest life planned out too. She’d gain leadership skills through the whole process of saving the world, and after said saving of the world, she’d go to some prestigious Ivy League college and major in communications or business and management. Then Sunny would graduate and found her own company and serve as its CEO until she retired and spent her days writing novels in a house with a nice view of the beach. What could go wrong? Actually, scratch that. Rule #9 in Sunny’s Top Tips for Quests notebook was, “Never say, ‘what could go wrong?’ because something will immediately proceed to go wrong.” She hoped, however, that her plan would be successful. If not, she had a couple of backups.
Hey! Talking to a magical cat would be the top of my list, thank you very much >:c
Is this actually language or just programming gibberish? It looks like Java?
I think it would be more compelling to have Sunny kind of confused on the language a bit longer.
Based on her experience, but what experience?
Like, he was fully convinced he would get a letter to Hogwarts when he was younger.
Hi there mint!
First Impressions
I love the start to this story! The narrative voice is very fun and cheerful, reflective of Sunny’s personality and the genre. The thing that stood out to me was all the references to common tropes in fantasy stories. Those were pretty chuckle-worthy, and I like that it feels natural to the story to have those references because Sunny is a big fantasy fan.
Characterisation
From this chapter I can tell Sunny is an optimistic person. She’s also a planner and a dreamer, writing down not just her questing dreams but her post-quest plans. The rock with the code seems to be not in her plans, but nonetheless she hopes for the best with it. I think the narration style carries over Sunny’s personality pretty well because it feels consistent throughout.
What could go wrong? Actually, scratch that.
To be fair, it was a nice rock.
I mean, there is rock salt <.<When Sunny saw it, she didn’t get her hopes up, because what fantasy adventure worth its salt started with a rock?
“So. Is your name Robert, or is there supposed to be some other human named Robert here?” She shook her head.
I%u2019m curious to see how these points will be expanded on in the next chapter. c: Does she have to help the denizens with her coding skills? Why will she want to help them? Or is there a piece of treasure to get that she really wants, and why?
I wonder if it would be funny to pause here and have her look around the garden/ front porch for a person called Robert.
This looks like a promising start! Although at times the narration feels a bit rambly and I%u2019m at the moment not 100% certain where the story is going, (normal for first chapters, I think!) there%u2019s still a good bit that happens to get the story moving
Hello, Mint! I promised I'd do this, so here I am. XD
I adore this little introductory chapter that you’ve written here. You’ve managed to create a relatable main character and very intriguing plot that isn’t standard for fantasy. I’ve seen my fair share of code-based fantasy stories (Okay, mostly the Matrix >.>), but this is a take that comes off as very fresh to me with a lot of fun potential. Here is my favourite part:
She’d hoped to go on her adventure when she was twelve, seeing as that was the typical starting age for modern fantasy protagonists, but her thirteenth and fourteenth birthdays had come and gone. But she figured it wouldn’t make much of a difference if she adventured as a high schooler instead of a middle schooler, as long as she stuck to the recipe of finding questing buddies (three including herself worked best) and defeating an enemy and saving the world. Because she was destined to be a hero. She felt it in her bones. (Okay, fine, that wasn’t entirely true. Mostly what Sunny felt from her bones was a crackling sensation when she stretched, and her joints popped. She knew she had to be special in some way, though!)
Get her notebook?
She was finally (finally!) going on a quest!
I%u2019ve seen my fair share of code-based fantasy stories (Okay, mostly the Matrix >.>), but this is a take that comes off as very fresh to me with a lot of fun potential.
She was finally%u2014finally!%u2014going on a quest!
Salutations, Spearmint!
The technical side of your writing is on point, so I'll mostly be talking about impressions and the like! I'll start with the title: it's hilarious, and since this reads like middle-grade fiction (despite the protagonist being a high schooler), it also strikes me as perfectly appropriate!
Your story starts by setting an expectation and then using a paragraph break to subvert that expectation. Brilliant. I would argue that a rock as smooth as this one is actually more of a stone than a "rock" per se, but that's me being pedantic. Although, you do call it a "pebble" later, so establishing its size at the start would be useful for visualising it.
I don't know Javascript, but I had a short course in Python in my third year at university, so the prospect of being transported to a world where you have to code to communicate is yikes. The semicolon reminder is so true. ":)
Sunny's thoughts perfectly establish her character and naivety, so though she may not be twelve or thirteen anymore, she definitely still has the personality for a middle-grade novel. Since she hasn't caught on that novels are written for entertainment, she might even be younger than that in terms of emotional maturity. Robert is her rock, but if he ends up being her rock in the metaphorical sense too, that'd be great! He might already be my favourite character. XD
I like that she's prepared! For all her naivety, she at least didn't let this development catch her by surprised, and I do enjoy the foresight of having informed her parents. Naturally, they'll still be worried to death, thinking she went off on an adventure on her own somewhere, but given the genre time might not pass at all and the silly adults will remain blissfully unaware of the true goings-on.
You have a clear style that fits 100% with the genre, so you seem to be on track! You've given the readers all the information they need, and it was presented in an entertaining manner, so I'm sure you'll fare just fine. I wonder what Javaworld will look like…
All the best with LMS VI!
~Hunter
Robert is her rock, but if he ends up being her rock in the metaphorical sense too, that'd be great!
but given the genre time might not pass at all and the silly adults will remain blissfully unaware of the true goings-on.
All the best with LMS VI!
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