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Sunny and the Syntax Errors of Doom: Chapter 1.1

by Spearmint


There were many ways Sunny had imagined her fantasy adventure starting. Perhaps a wizard would knock on her door, claiming that she was magical. Or maybe she’d touch an old artifact and accidentally awaken a great evil. She would’ve even settled for meeting a talking cat!

But no. Instead, it all started with a rock.

To be fair, it was a nice rock. It was smooth and white and somehow seemed to emit a calming presence from where it lay on Sunny’s doorstep. But still. When Sunny saw it, she didn’t get her hopes up, because what fantasy adventure worth its salt started with a rock? The note placed underneath it didn’t look particularly impressive either. It was a scrap of lined paper, seemingly torn out of a notebook. On it was scrawled,

When she finished reading the note, Sunny glanced at the rock skeptically. “So. Is your name Robert, or is there supposed to be some other human named Robert here?” She shook her head. That wasn’t even the most confusing part of the note. What in the world was all the stuff in curly braces? It looked almost like another language, except the words were in English. …Actually, on second thought, it reminded her of one of the snippets of code on her school’s computer science teacher’s window.

But why would someone leave snippets of code for her? Sunny had her whole life planned out already, and it had nothing to do with code. She’d spent her childhood devouring all the fantasy books she could find, compiling a list of tips in a little blue notebook for when her adventure finally arrived and basically training to be a hero. Because gods and monsters and magic had to exist, right? In Sunny’s experience, most stories were based on truth. There was no way all of those myths and novels were false.

She’d hoped to go on her adventure when she was twelve, seeing as that was the typical starting age for modern fantasy protagonists, but her thirteenth and fourteenth birthdays had come and gone. But she figured it wouldn’t make much of a difference if she adventured as a high schooler instead of a middle schooler, as long as she stuck to the recipe of finding questing buddies (three including herself worked best) and defeating an enemy and saving the world. Because she was destined to be a hero. She felt it in her bones. (Okay, fine, that wasn’t entirely true. Mostly what Sunny felt from her bones was a crackling sensation when she stretched and her joints popped. She knew she had to be special in some way, though!)

Sunny had her post-quest life planned out too. She’d gain leadership skills through the whole process of saving the world, and after said saving of the world, she’d go to some prestigious Ivy League college and major in communications or business and management. Then Sunny would graduate and found her own company and serve as its CEO until she retired and spent her days writing novels in a house with a nice view of the beach. What could go wrong? Actually, scratch that. Rule #9 in Sunny’s Top Tips for Quests notebook was, “Never say, ‘what could go wrong?’ because something will immediately proceed to go wrong.” She hoped, however, that her plan would be successful. If not, she had a couple of backups.

She’d had to deploy one of those backups already, when she’d failed to find any suitable best friends in middle school. Sunny would have preferred to go questing with two people she already knew, but it was fine. Surviving life-and-death situations on quests together was a great way to make new friends.

To sum it up, Sunny was absolutely prepared for the universe to grant her a fantasy adventure. Unfortunately, nothing in her questing notebook explained what to do when faced with an ordinary-looking rock and random lines of code.

Sunny picked up the pebble, hefting it in her palm. It was heavier than it looked, but that was about all that was notable about it. She sighed. Perhaps the rock and the note were a strange early birthday gift or something from one of her relatives, and she’d have to wait a little longer for her fantasy adventure. Sunny turned to go back into the house, rock and note in hand.

But the door was gone. In its place was a strange film over the entrance to the house, swirling with iridescent colors like the surface of a soap bubble. Sunny blinked at it for a moment, rubbed her eyes, and looked again. Then she grinned and let out a loud whoop. That had to be a sign of a portal, right? Oh, she would be so disappointed if this was a dream… Sunny ran through her mental checklist of pre-quest tasks. Get ahead on schoolwork? It was summer. Make sure her parents would be alright? Well, Sunny had always told them that if she disappeared, it’d be because she’d gone on a quest, not because she’d been kidnapped… Plus, she knew martial arts, so hopefully they wouldn’t worry too much. Get her notebook? Sunny felt in her pocket and grasped the corner of her trusty notebook. Satisfied that she’d taken care of everything for now, Sunny smiled and stepped through the portal.

Going through the portal wasn’t quite as exciting as Sunny had hoped it’d be. It felt simply like going into an air-conditioned store on a hot day, with the cold air whooshing around her. Sunny didn’t see any pretty colors or streaks of light either, just a blankness, and the whole thing lasted less than five seconds. But still. It was a portal! Sunny could feel a grin splitting her face. She was finally (finally!) going on a quest!


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Tue Sep 27, 2022 5:32 am
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lliyah wrote a review...



Mint!

What a likeable and enjoyable first chapter. I know... nothing about coding outside of like stuff we do on YWS :] but this is totally readable even without that info.

I like your opening paragraph a lot because it sets this light / adventurous / mysterious / humorous mood right off the bat.

I think you've made a really likeable narrator too.

Rule #9 in Sunny’s Top Tips for Quests notebook was, “Never say, ‘what could go wrong?

^ this is so funny and a great little character nugget - I hope you continue to corporate that sort of thing into the story.

A few more observations:

> You did a great job incorporating the coding images along with the story - that is very smooth and was a neat addition! I also like how you continue to use parenthesis throughout the prose as a sort of nod to the coding aspect in the background.

> You have an interesting narration style where it feels like the narrator is narrating to the reader rather than just describing the story take place; in other words the narrator seems to almost have a stake in the story with some of the asides like "the whole thing lasted less than five seconds. But still. It was a portal!" and "She felt it in her bones. (Okay, fine, that wasn’t entirely true." and "What could go wrong? Actually, scratch that."

I think that's a really unique way to narrate that way and I guess as a reader we're supposed to understand the narration as sort of extension of Sunny's thoughts maybe? I will be interested to see if you keep up that style - it doesn't certainly make the story more humorous and adds another little layer of personality into the story. Reminds me a bit of stories that are formatted as diary entries where they're almost told understanding that they will be read. It could be interesting to even address the reader at some points if you're going to continue this style.

> Another observation I notice in your writing style you begin a lot of sentences with "But" or "Because" not necessarily a bad thing; maybe a stylistic choice? -> but maybe something to watch that it doesn't become too frequent or distracting.

Overall, really excellent opening chapter and cool topic / premise too with Sunny off on an adventure spurred on by some coding. :)

Thanks for writing,

alliyah




Spearmint says...


Hiya alliyah, thanks for the fantastic review!! ^-^
I like your opening paragraph a lot because it sets this light / adventurous / mysterious / humorous mood right off the bat.

YES. I love all the adjectives you used-- that's exactly the mood I want this to have! :]

^ this is so funny and a great little character nugget - I hope you continue to corporate that sort of thing into the story.

I most definitely will! =P

I think that's a really unique way to narrate that way and I guess as a reader we're supposed to understand the narration as sort of extension of Sunny's thoughts maybe?

Oh interesting, I didn't even think about the narration style. You're right, though-- I meant for it to be like Sunny's thoughts. Also, addressing the reader is a neat idea! C:

Another observation I notice in your writing style you begin a lot of sentences with "But" or "Because" not necessarily a bad thing; maybe a stylistic choice? -> but maybe something to watch that it doesn't become too frequent or distracting.

Ooh thanks for catching that! I will keep an eye out for it in the future. ^^

Thanks again for the review!! <3



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Mea says...



I have returned from the land of adulthood to say I, working as a full-time software developer right now, absolutely love this. Especially combined with Sunny being super genre savvy and wanting a fantasy adventure.

My only question is, out of all the programming languages they could speak in, why Java?????? xD




Spearmint says...


I have returned from the land of adulthood to say I, working as a full-time software developer right now, absolutely love this.

Omg welcome back from the land of adulthood XDD
Also ahh thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it!! ^^

My only question is, out of all the programming languages they could speak in, why Java?????? xD

LOL that is a very valid question >.>
Java's just the first real programming language I learned, soooo... unfortunately, I've gotten used to it XD
Although, there is semicolon art (see Chapter 2.1). :3 Can't have semicolon art if you have no semicolons, right? (*coughs* Python >.> =P)



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Tue Sep 27, 2022 2:03 am
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Snoink wrote a review...



Hiiiiiiiii!

I loved this fantasy story so much. I showed it to my brother, who is an analyst who lives and breathes programming for a living and my sister, who is doing a Geophysics Ph.D. involving programming. We were all charmed (though my sister insists that programming is evil, lol). We used to write storybooks together, so even though we're all STEM nerds (I have my degree in Biochemical Engineering), we still love stories!

I love the fact that the language is... basic programming. Like it's such a cool idea which kind of combines sci fi and fantasy together in a lovely blend. Sometimes writers can't pull off this mix very well... but I am hopeful in this story! It's pretty fun so far. :)l

Anyway! Some thoughts...

She’d spent her childhood devouring all the fantasy books she could find, compiling a list of tips in a little blue notebook for when her adventure finally arrived and basically training to be a hero.


I want to see the list!

When she finished reading the note, Sunny glanced at the rock skeptically. “So. Is your name Robert, or is there supposed to be some other human named Robert here?”


I sort of wish you had her look down at the rock, as if to see if the rock had any expression or something. It would either be hilarious, if Robert did nothing, or surprising, if Robert did something. Either way, it would be amazing.

Sunny picked up the pebble, hefting it in her palm.


Is it... a pebble? Or a rock?

Satisfied that she’d taken care of everything for now, Sunny smiled and stepped through the portal.


Wait! When I read ahead (I know, I'm bad, lol) I think you mentioned that she forgot something?? Or maybe I misread something...

Going through the portal wasn’t quite as exciting as Sunny had hoped it’d be. It felt simply like going into an air-conditioned store on a hot day, with the cold air whooshing around her. Sunny didn’t see any pretty colors or streaks of light either, just a blankness, and the whole thing lasted less than five seconds. But still. It was a portal!


As someone who adoooores magic portal stories, yet can't seem to pull it off right in my own stories, mad propz for pulling it off here! Very nice!

Anyway! Very nice! I've read everything else you wrote, but... well... I'll comment on that soon, lol.

Keep writing! :)




Spearmint says...


Hiii Snoink, thank you for the fabulous review!! ^-^ (I am honored to receive one from such a reviewing legend XD)
We used to write storybooks together, so even though we're all STEM nerds (I have my degree in Biochemical Engineering), we still love stories!

Aww, I love that! STEM and stories are both awesome :]]

I want to see the list!

It'll be revealed throughout the story~ =P

I sort of wish you had her look down at the rock, as if to see if the rock had any expression or something.

Oooh, I like that! xD *adds to list of thoughts for edits*

Wait! When I read ahead (I know, I'm bad, lol) I think you mentioned that she forgot something?? Or maybe I misread something...

Oop yeah, she wasn't able to get her questing backpack from inside the house because the door turned into a portal. That was a detail I added later, so thanks for the catch! ^-^

I've read everything else you wrote, but... well... I'll comment on that soon, lol.

I look forward to it! Thanks again!! <3



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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay... well this is certainly not your normal quest here. We've got a title which promises a danger that us readers can relate to very strongly and then of course we've got a premise that I personally have never seen before and a very interesting character here. All in all, it sounds like a pretty solid start here, it does more than enough to get your attention as a reader and make you intrigued about what could come next.

Anyway let's get right to it,

There were many ways Sunny had imagined her fantasy adventure starting. Perhaps a wizard would knock on her door, claiming that she was magical. Or maybe she’d touch an old artifact and accidentally awaken a great evil. She would’ve even settled for meeting a talking cat!

But no. Instead, it all started with a rock.


Well...that's an understandable feeling there. I love this opening that you have here. It definitely gets your attention rather quickly there because it is a pretty unique sort of opening here and there's a nice bit of mystery there as well.

To be fair, it was a nice rock. It was smooth and white and somehow seemed to emit a calming presence from where it lay on Sunny’s doorstep. But still. When Sunny saw it, she didn’t get her hopes up, because what fantasy adventure worth its salt started with a rock? The note placed underneath it didn’t look particularly impressive either. It was a scrap of lined paper, seemingly torn out of a notebook. On it was scrawled,


Whoever wrote that note certainly knows the golden rule there. I love that P.S. Definitely gives you a few horrifying flashbacks if the reader happens to have done any coding themselves. Besides that particular detail I think this grabs the reader's attention pretty well here with the way its written. Its not exactly throwing one into the action, but there's a good amount of anticipation being built up here.

When she finished reading the note, Sunny glanced at the rock skeptically. “So. Is your name Robert, or is there supposed to be some other human named Robert here?” She shook her head. That wasn’t even the most confusing part of the note. What in the world was all the stuff in curly braces? It looked almost like another language, except the words were in English. …Actually, on second thought, it reminded her of one of the snippets of code on her school’s computer science teacher’s window.


Well that's an interesting one. Given how she didn't seem immediately aware of what this was it seems a little unlikely that she'd jump immediately to the conclusion of the code in the window. Its sort ofa case of how if someone can't immediately even vaguely guess at code can't really just immediately remember this one random thing and remember its a piece of code. So just a bit of a nitpick there on that.

But why would someone leave snippets of code for her? Sunny had her whole life planned out already, and it had nothing to do with code. She’d spent her childhood devouring all the fantasy books she could find, compiling a list of tips in a little blue notebook for when her adventure finally arrived and basically training to be a hero. Because gods and monsters and magic had to exist, right? In Sunny’s experience, most stories were based on truth. There was no way all of those myths and novels were false.

She’d hoped to go on her adventure when she was twelve, seeing as that was the typical starting age for modern fantasy protagonists, but her thirteenth and fourteenth birthdays had come and gone. But she figured it wouldn’t make much of a difference if she adventured as a high schooler instead of a middle schooler, as long as she stuck to the recipe of finding questing buddies (three including herself worked best) and defeating an enemy and saving the world. Because she was destined to be a hero. She felt it in her bones. (Okay, fine, that wasn’t entirely true. Mostly what Sunny felt from her bones was a crackling sensation when she stretched and her joints popped. She knew she had to be special in some way, though!)


Well this is a lovely little reflection moment there. I'm loving the vibe you manage to create around here. Its creates such a lovely little undercurrent of humor while also developing a boatload of tension and I'm loving it so far. I can't wait to see where this ends up going.

Sunny had her post-quest life planned out too. She’d gain leadership skills through the whole process of saving the world, and after said saving of the world, she’d go to some prestigious Ivy League college and major in communications or business and management. Then Sunny would graduate and found her own company and serve as its CEO until she retired and spent her days writing novels in a house with a nice view of the beach. What could go wrong? Actually, scratch that. Rule #9 in Sunny’s Top Tips for Quests notebook was, “Never say, ‘what could go wrong?’ because something will immediately proceed to go wrong.” She hoped, however, that her plan would be successful. If not, she had a couple of backups.

She’d had to deploy one of those backups already, when she’d failed to find any suitable best friends in middle school. Sunny would have preferred to go questing with two people she already knew, but it was fine. Surviving life-and-death situations on quests together was a great way to make new friends.


Well... this just continues that wonderful touch of humor just slowly ripping apart the ideas behind most fantasy novels in the best way possible. Of course naturally the more we see this the more curious it becomes as to how this particular story is going to end up being told here.

But the door was gone. In its place was a strange film over the entrance to the house, swirling with iridescent colors like the surface of a soap bubble. Sunny blinked at it for a moment, rubbed her eyes, and looked again. Then she grinned and let out a loud whoop. That had to be a sign of a portal, right? Oh, she would be so disappointed if this was a dream… Sunny ran through her mental checklist of pre-quest tasks. Get ahead on schoolwork? It was summer. Make sure her parents would be alright? Well, Sunny had always told them that if she disappeared, it’d be because she’d gone on a quest, not because she’d been kidnapped… Plus, she knew martial arts, so hopefully they wouldn’t worry too much. Get her notebook? Sunny felt in her pocket and grasped the corner of her trusty notebook. Satisfied that she’d taken care of everything for now, Sunny smiled and stepped through the portal.


Well... that was the calmest way I've seen someone not superpowered react to a situation like that. I'm loving this. I think you ran through just about the perfect amount of build up there, maybe a tiny bit too much, but nothing too restrictive on the pacing and now we're diving into the actual mystery and wonder of this world and I'm loving it.

Going through the portal wasn’t quite as exciting as Sunny had hoped it’d be. It felt simply like going into an air-conditioned store on a hot day, with the cold air whooshing around her. Sunny didn’t see any pretty colors or streaks of light either, just a blankness, and the whole thing lasted less than five seconds. But still. It was a portal! Sunny could feel a grin splitting her face. She was finally (finally!) going on a quest!


Hmm Sunny trust me this is one of the better portal variants. Much better to have a boring one that one that tosses you flat on your face covered in sand. On a more serious note, I love the idea of the portal, the description there matches the tone you've been setting so far perfectly and of course this is a nice point to split this chapter up here. You definitely have to go and read the next part now.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think you have a wonderful piece right here. It definitely manages to do the job of a first part to a first chapter. I can't wait to see what Sunny gets upto in the next part to come.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Spearmint says...


Hi Harry, thanks for the wonderful review!! ^-^
We've got a title which promises a danger that us readers can relate to very strongly

LOL for certain readers, yess XD

Given how she didn't seem immediately aware of what this was it seems a little unlikely that she'd jump immediately to the conclusion of the code in the window.

Yep, thanks for pointing that out! I'm planning on editing that part so Sunny's confused for longer, as would probably make more sense. :]

Well... that was the calmest way I've seen someone not superpowered react to a situation like that.

Hahaha I mean, Sunny's been preparing for this her whole life xDD

Overall I think you have a wonderful piece right here. It definitely manages to do the job of a first part to a first chapter.

Ah I'm glad! Thanks again for the review, and have a fantastic day/night!! <3



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Omni wrote a review...



Minty mint mint! I saw this when doing the tallying for LMS and it seems like a very fun read; I am super excited to get into this!

She would’ve even settled for meeting a talking cat!


Hey! Talking to a magical cat would be the top of my list, thank you very much >:c

hen Sunny saw it, she didn’t get her hopes up, because what fantasy adventure worth its salt started with a rock?


Hmm, interesting. So, Sunny knew that this rock was a call to adventure the moment they saw it? How so?

Okay, love love love the idea of using programming language as a form of magic xD so unique! It's a cool twist to the "fancy fantasy language in which magic and fantasy stuff is done" -- it's also one of those things where some logic to magic systems is that it's just science that we don't understand yet; aka there's a type of logic to it. Funnily enough, I've been taking courses for programming and coding, but I've done HTML and CSS so I am completely not used to this type of language. Is this actually language or just programming gibberish? It looks like Java? I am very new to programming xD

What in the world was all the stuff in curly braces? It looked almost like another language, except the words were in English. …Actually, on second thought, it reminded her of one of the snippets of code on her school’s computer science teacher’s window.


Did you mean to say curly brackets?

Also, hmmm this seems like convenient logic to me. I know this is a comedy and in comedy we can kinda break the rules of literary logic, but stilll I figured I would point it out. I think it would be more compelling to have Sunny kind of confused on the language a bit longer.

Because gods and monsters and magic had to exist, right? In Sunny’s experience, most stories were based on truth. There was no way all of those myths and novels were false.


Hmm so this seems to be modern, so why does Sunny think fantasies and call to adventures are real? Based on her experience, but what experience? It seems like a false equivalency to meeeee, like "I have 100 bucks in my hand, so obviously unicorns are real"

Sunny had her post-quest life planned out too. She’d gain leadership skills through the whole process of saving the world, and after said saving of the world, she’d go to some prestigious Ivy League college and major in communications or business and management. Then Sunny would graduate and found her own company and serve as its CEO until she retired and spent her days writing novels in a house with a nice view of the beach. What could go wrong? Actually, scratch that. Rule #9 in Sunny’s Top Tips for Quests notebook was, “Never say, ‘what could go wrong?’ because something will immediately proceed to go wrong.” She hoped, however, that her plan would be successful. If not, she had a couple of backups.


Lol love this! Also, what could go wrong, it's in writing Sunny! XD

Love this already XD what a fun story to write for LMS! This reminds me of my brother with Hogwarts, no joke. Like, he was fully convinced he would get a letter to Hogwarts when he was younger. I like the vibe of this and look forward to reading and reviewing more! I hope that this helped ^^ Good luck with LMS!




Spearmint says...


Eyy, thanks for the super helpful review, Omni!! :]

Hey! Talking to a magical cat would be the top of my list, thank you very much >:c

XD okay, honestly, valid

Is this actually language or just programming gibberish? It looks like Java?

Yep, it's Java! =P That's the first real programming language I learned, so that's what this book will use. xD

I think it would be more compelling to have Sunny kind of confused on the language a bit longer.

Ooh alright, thanks for the feedback! Yeah, something I struggled with was how confused to have Sunny be... Like, how much can a decently intelligent person infer without knowing coding? xD So feedback like this is fantastic. Thanks! ^^

Based on her experience, but what experience?

>.> I should probably edit that line, lol. Honestly, it's probably more of a really wanting to believe in magic thing than a particular experience... although maybe a line about how Sunny was sure that her middle school janitor was a wizard would be funny-- like, how else could he clean up barf so quickly? I'll have to workshop that. =P

Like, he was fully convinced he would get a letter to Hogwarts when he was younger.

Omg :') *sigh* Unfortunately, I didn't receive a letter either. Tragic. xD

Thanks again for the review!! <3



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Fri Sep 09, 2022 2:43 pm
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there mint!

First Impressions
I love the start to this story! The narrative voice is very fun and cheerful, reflective of Sunny’s personality and the genre. The thing that stood out to me was all the references to common tropes in fantasy stories. Those were pretty chuckle-worthy, and I like that it feels natural to the story to have those references because Sunny is a big fantasy fan.

Characterisation
From this chapter I can tell Sunny is an optimistic person. She’s also a planner and a dreamer, writing down not just her questing dreams but her post-quest plans. The rock with the code seems to be not in her plans, but nonetheless she hopes for the best with it. I think the narration style carries over Sunny’s personality pretty well because it feels consistent throughout.

What could go wrong? Actually, scratch that.

Lines like this are funny and also convey Sunny’s thought processes really well. I found that I could sympathise with her and her desire to go on adventures just like in her books.

Plot and Structure
Something I wonder about after reading the chapter is what Sunny’s objective will be once she enters Javaland. If her goal is to go have an adventure, well, there’s a lot of different ways she could take that. There’s also not very much information at this point about this rock and what ‘story’ it’s leading her into, since all it says is how to communicate with Javaland denizens. I’m curious to see how these points will be expanded on in the next chapter. c: Does she have to help the denizens with her coding skills? Why will she want to help them? Or is there a piece of treasure to get that she really wants, and why?

Humor
I thought the intro to this chapter was really solid. I like the rule of three there: wizard, artifact and talking cat! I can definitely think of some fantasy stories that would fit each of these :D
To be fair, it was a nice rock.

This line made me laugh because “nice” and “rock” don’t usually go together (not that rocks aren’t nice, but we don’t usually feel the need to compliment them). I also love that even though it’s a bit of witty narration, it also blends well and helps to convey story/plot info, which is the description of the rock and a hint that it is magical somehow, with its “calming presence”.
When Sunny saw it, she didn’t get her hopes up, because what fantasy adventure worth its salt started with a rock?
I mean, there is rock salt <.<
“So. Is your name Robert, or is there supposed to be some other human named Robert here?” She shook her head.

I wonder if it would be funny to pause here and have her look around the garden/ front porch for a person called Robert.

Overall

This looks like a promising start! Although at times the narration feels a bit rambly and I’m at the moment not 100% certain where the story is going, (normal for first chapters, I think!) there’s still a good bit that happens to get the story moving, namely Sunny is introduced and she enters the portal into Javaland. I really like how the character is portrayed through the narration as well as the fun, genre-savvy lines.

Hope some of this helps, and feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim




Spearmint says...


Hiya, Lim! Thanks for the great review!! =D

I%u2019m curious to see how these points will be expanded on in the next chapter. c: Does she have to help the denizens with her coding skills? Why will she want to help them? Or is there a piece of treasure to get that she really wants, and why?

I do have something planned for the next parts of this chapter... hopefully it clears things up! ^^ I'll make sure to keep Sunny's motivations in mind, too, though!

I wonder if it would be funny to pause here and have her look around the garden/ front porch for a person called Robert.

Ooh, good idea C:

This looks like a promising start! Although at times the narration feels a bit rambly and I%u2019m at the moment not 100% certain where the story is going, (normal for first chapters, I think!) there%u2019s still a good bit that happens to get the story moving

Yep, it's definitely a bit rambly. XD But I'm glad you liked the way Sunny was portrayed through narration and the references to tropes! =P

Thanks for the review!! <3



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WeepingWisteria wrote a review...



Hello, Mint! I promised I'd do this, so here I am. XD
I adore this little introductory chapter that you’ve written here. You’ve managed to create a relatable main character and very intriguing plot that isn’t standard for fantasy. I’ve seen my fair share of code-based fantasy stories (Okay, mostly the Matrix >.>), but this is a take that comes off as very fresh to me with a lot of fun potential. Here is my favourite part:

She’d hoped to go on her adventure when she was twelve, seeing as that was the typical starting age for modern fantasy protagonists, but her thirteenth and fourteenth birthdays had come and gone. But she figured it wouldn’t make much of a difference if she adventured as a high schooler instead of a middle schooler, as long as she stuck to the recipe of finding questing buddies (three including herself worked best) and defeating an enemy and saving the world. Because she was destined to be a hero. She felt it in her bones. (Okay, fine, that wasn’t entirely true. Mostly what Sunny felt from her bones was a crackling sensation when she stretched, and her joints popped. She knew she had to be special in some way, though!)


This entire chunk somehow manages to be a fun parody of the YA Fantasy genre and painfully relatable. The humour in this paragraph is beautifully punctuated with the tang of “been there, done that.” The best humour has layers to it, and you succeeded right here! ^^

There were two minor critiques that I found in the next to last paragraph and the last paragraph that I’d just like to point out here. :)

Get her notebook?


I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be “got” because get is present tense, which results in a tense change. Very easy to fix, though. ^^

She was finally (finally!) going on a quest!


This one is much more minor ad returns to your use of parenthesis. Most of the time, parenthesises are better when replaced with stronger punctuation that conveys the flow you were aiming for. In this case, a stronger sense of punctuation would probably be the em-dash, resulting in this:

She was finally—finally!—going on a quest!

But that tends to be a more stylistic preference, so it’s really up to you. :)

All in all, you’ve written a fresh piece that I’m very excited to see more of as LMS continues. Your humour is light-hearted, your character is relatable, and your enticing incident is just out of left-field enough to be memorable without being cheesy. Great job!

Happy writing!
Wisteria <3




Spearmint says...


Aww, thanks so much for the fantastic review, Wist!! ^-^

I%u2019ve seen my fair share of code-based fantasy stories (Okay, mostly the Matrix >.>), but this is a take that comes off as very fresh to me with a lot of fun potential.

It makes me so happy you said that! I was aiming for this to be original and fun, so I'm glad it succeeded. :] Also, I loved the Matrix, hehe :3

She was finally%u2014finally!%u2014going on a quest!

Hmm, I like that! Thanks for the tip! C:

Happy writing to you too! <33

P.S. You didn't come across as mean at all XD No know-it-allness either (although I'm mildly impressed that you know the name of and how to properly use an em-dash xD), and the review was in fact very encouraging and helpful!! =P <3





Okay, yay, I'm glad!!! And yesss, the em-dash. My favourite punctuation because it's so dramatic. XD



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Thu Sep 08, 2022 7:10 pm
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BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations, Spearmint!

The technical side of your writing is on point, so I'll mostly be talking about impressions and the like! I'll start with the title: it's hilarious, and since this reads like middle-grade fiction (despite the protagonist being a high schooler), it also strikes me as perfectly appropriate!

Your story starts by setting an expectation and then using a paragraph break to subvert that expectation. Brilliant. I would argue that a rock as smooth as this one is actually more of a stone than a "rock" per se, but that's me being pedantic. Although, you do call it a "pebble" later, so establishing its size at the start would be useful for visualising it.

I don't know Javascript, but I had a short course in Python in my third year at university, so the prospect of being transported to a world where you have to code to communicate is yikes. The semicolon reminder is so true. ":)

Sunny's thoughts perfectly establish her character and naivety, so though she may not be twelve or thirteen anymore, she definitely still has the personality for a middle-grade novel. Since she hasn't caught on that novels are written for entertainment, she might even be younger than that in terms of emotional maturity. Robert is her rock, but if he ends up being her rock in the metaphorical sense too, that'd be great! He might already be my favourite character. XD

I like that she's prepared! For all her naivety, she at least didn't let this development catch her by surprised, and I do enjoy the foresight of having informed her parents. Naturally, they'll still be worried to death, thinking she went off on an adventure on her own somewhere, but given the genre time might not pass at all and the silly adults will remain blissfully unaware of the true goings-on.

You have a clear style that fits 100% with the genre, so you seem to be on track! You've given the readers all the information they need, and it was presented in an entertaining manner, so I'm sure you'll fare just fine. I wonder what Javaworld will look like…

All the best with LMS VI!

~Hunter




Spearmint says...


Ahh, thank you so much for the kind review, Hunter!! =D

Robert is her rock, but if he ends up being her rock in the metaphorical sense too, that'd be great!

Omg, I didn%u2019t even think about it that way, but it%u2019s perfect! XDD May I steal this idea? =P

but given the genre time might not pass at all and the silly adults will remain blissfully unaware of the true goings-on.

LOL so true though%u2026 we%u2019ll see if things do indeed turn out that way ;)

All the best with LMS VI!

You too! ^-^ Thanks again for the review!! <3



BrumalHunter says...


You're very welcome! And steal away. ;P




The true adventurer goes forth aimless and uncalculating to meet and greet unknown fate.
— O. Henry (William Sydney Porter)