Young Writers Society

...are you tired of reading these generic hello messages yet??? XD

ONTO THE REVIEW.

Jasper stared at Sunny and her thick reference book. Then, maybe sensing that she was serious about potentially throwing it at him, he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Look here, hero. I’m doing this for both of our benefits. How else do you expect to get home? Or do you want to stay here”– he waved his arms around– “forever, eating knockoff burgers and hearing code all day, every day?”

Sunny’s arm wobbled a little. “I mean, no, not really. But there’s got to be a better way to leave than tampering with the ambassadors.” She stepped forwards, towards Robert.

Jasper made no attempt to block her. So far, so good. Robert’s screen was displaying lines of text (code?), although Sunny couldn’t make out what they said yet.

The ex-hero just shifted his sitting position and blinked his tired eyes at her. “Trust me, I’ve tried everything in the thirty or so years I’ve been stuck here.”

I actually feel quite sorry for Jasper here. Like, I know that you kind of set up him as the villain, but I'm not really feeling it. Like, now that we understand what he was doing, I feel like he is perfectly justified in taking away the errors and trying to make a home for himself that reminds him of the home that he had before he was ripped away from it and then not allowed to return home, even after he had accomplished his task, due to some minor technicalities. Like, that would SUCK. Why not try to tear apart the world that ignored him?

But even then, the fact that he only has built an In-N-Out also makes me totally sympathetic. Like, I remember living in Japan for several months (I am not Japanese nor speak/read the language, haha, so I was really a fish out of water) and I remember being very homesick. Like, I would just wander around the city looking for burger places just to eat SOMETHING that reminded me of America. So then I would find a burger place and it would have carrots on the burgers, and it would just make me even more homesick, lol. But like... at least there were burger places. But sandwiches?? Do you know how hard it is to find a sandwich place in Japan??? Almost impossible! I had to go to several cities and walk around a bit before I finally found a Hawaiian place that sold club sandwiches. So I **get** it. Being homesick sucks.

So anyway. I don't really feel like he's the villain anymore, lol. He's not acting villainous, really, and is incredibly reasonable.

Jasper turned back to the ambassador and considered him for a moment. Then he let out a long-suffering sigh and drooped against the red-and-white tiled floor. “Sure. What does it matter, anyway? We’ll be stuck here forever.”

See??? If he was the villain, then would he let Robert go this easily?? I don't think so! (Though, I do think that he does give up a little too easily...)

“No…” the boy said, lolling his head back onto the seat.

...head lolling back in the seat??? This sounds frightening...

Sunny breathed a sigh of relief– she had no idea how she’d fix any tampering to complex code like this– and rummaged around in her backpack for the extra batteries Professor Polly had packed. She plugged Robert in and watched as the screen brightened, noting the 10% battery warning in the bottom corner.

YAY FOR PROFESSOR POLLY! Also, how did Jasper manage to tamper with any code when Robert's battery was so low? I don't get it...

Sunny grimaced. Did every single line have some kind of method call? And what did “execute ending sequence” mean? Or “continue as usual”? She turned to Jasper for an explanation, but it looked like he’d dozed off, still slumped against the side of the booth. He was frowning even in his sleep.

Not a huge fan that Jasper just kind of gives up and falls asleep. It seems pretty anticlimatic. Even if he refused to answer Sunny's questions, it would heighten the drama nicely.

Just as she was turning to leave, a flash of white in the corner caught her eye. Sunny swiveled back to the room and bent down. Was that…? She cleared away a few boxes and blew the dust off of a floating rock. Wait– no– not a rock; an ambassador! Sunny’s eyes widened. The robot looked like Robert had when he’d first revealed himself in Javaland– a smooth white oval hovering in the air.

AHA!!!!

Hi again mint!

General Impressions

I was a bit surprised Jasper gave in so easily, but it does match up with the idea that he’s just really tired. Another thing that was unexpected was Sunny finding Jasper’s old ambassador in the back of the In-N-Out! That’s really neat and makes me curious what she’ll be able to find out. The scene where she was looking at the code in Robert has a mysterious atmosphere.

Did every single line have some kind of method call? And what did “execute ending sequence” mean? Or “continue as usual”?

Execute ending sequence makes me think of either a video game or the exit to a time loop <.<

Voice

I like the balance between seriousness and humour in the writing. There were a few moments this chapter where I smiled, even though Sunny is dealing with a more sombre situation. Aside from humour, I think you’re good at creating the lighter tone to balance out the darker parts by adding a more optimistic outlook, for instance:

Despite her relief that Jasper would let Robert go, Sunny couldn’t help but feel a hint of pity for the weary hero as well. She vowed to try her hardest to get them both back home.

It’s kind of nice that Sunny manages to sympathise with Jasper here.

Sunny huffed. This boy looked hardly older than her, but his persistent pessimism ruined the illusion of youth.

^Also this line and the dialogue before it somehow made me smile despite being kind of dark. It kind of feels like Sunny is bickering with Robert again, even though it’s a different character and with a slightly more serious tone xD

Continuity

The beginning felt a bit odd – would it hurt that much if Sunny managed to land a hit with that reference book? I thought with all his determination to crack Robert’s code for secrets, Jasper wouldn’t be deterred by Sunny’s threats.
The conversation after that made sense though, since Jasper’s main thing is he wants to go back home. I like that Sunny is trying to look for a better way out while Jasper has given up – matches their characters so far; Sunny’s confidence also shines through.

Characters

The slower pace of this chapter compared to the previous ones allows for more character development. I think Sunny becomes more admirable as a hero when she copes with the changing situation here.

It was unfathomable that they wouldn’t succeed.

I wonder if she’s deceiving herself a bit with this thought – after all, she doesn’t know for sure that there is a way back to Earth.

“No…” the boy said, lolling his head back onto the seat. “I didn’t do anything yet. Probably just its battery.”

I thought it was interesting that Jasper shows another side of himself here. Now he’s less intense, and more hopeless and cynical. This line also shows that he’s familiar with how the ambassadors work, which is a nice touch.

Overall

I enjoyed reading this chapter and am left curious about how the story will proceed from here. I have a feeling they’ll succeed in getting back to Earth – the question is just ‘how’. From the code it looks like there might be an option in the ambassador’s code to send them back to Earth? Or will there be something else unexpected?

Hope this helps – and keep writing!
-Lim

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well its good to see that Sunny's very valid threat with those books although I am still looking forward to Jasper getting smacked over the head with one of those. He deserves at least one whack. I love the little reveal at the end too. It looks like we're headed for some interesting times here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Jasper stared at Sunny and her thick reference book. Then, maybe sensing that she was serious about potentially throwing it at him, he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Look here, hero. I’m doing this for both of our benefits. How else do you expect to get home? Or do you want to stay here”– he waved his arms around– “forever, eating knockoff burgers and hearing code all day, every day?”

Sunny’s arm wobbled a little. “I mean, no, not really. But there’s got to be a better way to leave than tampering with the ambassadors.” She stepped forwards, towards Robert.

Hmm that's a very intelligent move there by Jasper to try and use that particular scenario to target Sunny with. That makes him look much less like a villain even though of course neither the readers nor Sunny is going to be fooled given his evil methods are still lying right there to be seen.

Jasper made no attempt to block her. So far, so good. Robert’s screen was displaying lines of text (code?), although Sunny couldn’t make out what they said yet.

The ex-hero just shifted his sitting position and blinked his tired eyes at her. “Trust me, I’ve tried everything in the thirty or so years I’ve been stuck here.”

“Maybe everything you could think of. But I could bring a fresh perspective to things, don’t you think?” Sunny lowered the book completely, eyes fixed intently on Jasper and Robert. Even if Jasper’s story hadn’t immediately had a happy ending, with two heroes here, they were guaranteed some kind of reward, weren’t they? Not that she went questing for the reward, of course… But returning home was the natural end to these travel-to-another-world stories, wasn’t it? It was unfathomable that they wouldn’t succeed.

Well Sunny.... sometimes things don't play out as well as you would like them to but I'm sure you can find your way out. You're clearly much less evil than Jasper is so you will be able to find the secret way out. Of course Jasper being there for thirty years means maybe he wasn't so evil to begin with but then his monologue from the previous chapter said otherwise about how much he really cared for the citizens here.

Jasper looked at Sunny dubiously. “I mean. If you want to bang your head repeatedly against walls that I banged my own head against thirty years ago, I won’t stop you.”

Sunny huffed. This boy looked hardly older than her, but his persistent pessimism ruined the illusion of youth. “Fine, then. But I’ll need Robert.”

Jasper turned back to the ambassador and considered him for a moment. Then he let out a long-suffering sigh and drooped against the red-and-white tiled floor. “Sure. What does it matter, anyway? We’ll be stuck here forever.”

Well that's good. It seems either the book threat worked or Jasper thinks that Sunny has no chance of figuring out an alternate method so is letting her go and hit that brick wall so that he can go ahead and convince her to join him later. He seems the type of villain to play that sort of move, especially under threat.

Despite her relief that Jasper would let Robert go, Sunny couldn’t help but feel a hint of pity for the weary hero as well. She vowed to try her hardest to get them both back home.

As Sunny knelt down in front of Robert, Jasper sagged against a nearby booth, not even making the effort to sit up properly. He just watched her with half-open eyes, as if he’d seen this movie five times already and knew every line of dialogue by heart. Sunny tried not to let it bother her.

“Robert? Are you there?” Sunny tentatively placed her hands on the keyboard.

Oh dear. Well let's see what Sunny can do to save Robert and then perhaps use Robert's help here to try and find them a way out. It does look like that's pretty much all that is left. Freeing all the errors seems like it would be a simple enough task once that's figured and Jasper is dealt with.

There was no response, so Sunny turned her attention to the screen. It did indeed contain lines of code, although she couldn’t tell what half of them did. “Jasper, did you do something that would prevent Robert from talking?”

“No…” the boy said, lolling his head back onto the seat. “I didn’t do anything yet. Probably just its battery.”

Sunny breathed a sigh of relief– she had no idea how she’d fix any tampering to complex code like this– and rummaged around in her backpack for the extra batteries Professor Polly had packed. She plugged Robert in and watched as the screen brightened, noting the 10% battery warning in the bottom corner.

Well thankfully it looks like nothing too bad has happened to Robert so far and there shouldn't be too too much of a hassle related to actually bringing Robert back to life although there's no telling if things will end up going well from there.

Sunny grimaced. Did every single line have some kind of method call? And what did “execute ending sequence” mean? Or “continue as usual”? She turned to Jasper for an explanation, but it looked like he’d dozed off, still slumped against the side of the booth. He was frowning even in his sleep.

Sunny sighed and scrolled through the code, hoping to see if she could find anything else, but she quickly gave up– there looked to be thousands of lines. She looked at Jasper again and wondered whether she ought to take a break too. Perhaps Robert could explain when he recharged enough.

So she stood up and stretched, then decided to explore the In-N-Out some more. Maybe Jasper had collected some clues or something that she could make sense out of… or if not, it’d be more interesting than staring at endless lines of code, at least.

Well this looks like we're about to run into a few difficulties. That definitely is code a lot more complex that normal. Jasper just going right to sleep is hilarious but it does mean Sunny is going to be left to her own devices for a while to try and figure something out.

Sunny made a quick pass-through of the dining area of the restaurant, but she found nothing except clean tables and a soda station. She eyed the errors still in the kitchen with distaste, then looked back at the still-silent Robert and rolled up her sleeves. “Might as well debug the easier ones,” she muttered.

A couple minutes later, Sunny had cleared a path to the back of the kitchen. Past the grills and fryers, there was a storage area. Sunny wandered into the cramped space and gazed up at the cardboard boxes on the shelves.

Out of curiosity, she took one down. Inside were books– mostly reference manuals, although there were a couple that looked like fiction… “The Adventures of Semika the Semicolon,” she read. “Huh. Looks like Javaland has its fair share of book-writers too, and not just code-writers. And what’s this one? A Guide to Dark Coding Magicks?” She admired the gold lettering on the textured black cover, but put it back on the shelf– it might have been her imagination, but the book was giving off hostile vibes.

AHHHH... well dark magicks looks like we're about to run into some rather powerful spells there although I have a feeling it might also be where this secret lies. The rest of the books from that list don't seem to have the potential to cause nearly enough mayhem just quite yet.

Just as she was turning to leave, a flash of white in the corner caught her eye. Sunny swiveled back to the room and bent down. Was that…? She cleared away a few boxes and blew the dust off of a floating rock. Wait– no– not a rock; an ambassador! Sunny’s eyes widened. The robot looked like Robert had when he’d first revealed himself in Javaland– a smooth white oval hovering in the air.

“Are… are you Jasper’s ambassador?” she asked.

The robot gave no answer. It stayed there, inert and seemingly lifeless.

Sunny made a snap decision and pulled the ambassador out of the room. “Come on. Let’s get you charged up.”

OOOoooh is Sunny going to save this mysterious ambassador. This is quite exciting. Just maybe the power of two ambassadors will be enough for them to try and figure something out, assuming of course that Jasper hasn't gone and done anything that will have permanently caused damage.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think this is a another lovely chapter. It's good to see Sunny trying to solve problems again and it seems like this one is going to be the hardest one yet. Hopefully with some extra help from both ambassadors and those books Sunny will manage to pull it off. I believe in her.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate