Young Writers Society

Hi! So, I am going to attempt to finish your book this review day... it kind of amuses me. I usually review your chapters when it is either review day or I am sleep deprived... well, today is both! So hopefully I can make sense, lol.

"Okay, I don't think it's just pear, but it tastes amazing." The sauce was sweet and tangy with a hint of pear, but the parentheses were the real standout— they were flaky and complemented the pancakes perfectly. Sunny closed her eyes as she finished chewing the bite.

Okay, so this is going to sound bad, BUT. If Sunny is stuck here, she can totally make it as a food critic, lol.

This was what she was talking about! One of the great parts about questing was the opportunity to try things you wouldn't usually get to try, whether that be new foods or places.

... my characters are questing wrong, lol.

For an instant, Sunny even wondered if staying here would be so bad. Sure, she didn't really know anyone in Javaland, but here, she wouldn't have to go to school, and if she succeeded on her quest (as she surely would), the Javalandians would probably be grateful enough to allow her free food to last a lifetime.

I mean... since it seems like Sunny is kind of reflecting on things and being slightly sentimental, it might be nice for her to reflect on the people that she had met and how kind they were to her. She is such a happy person, I think she would love to kind of reflect on how grateful she is to have met these people. You know?

But then the faces of her family and friends swam into her mind, and Sunny shook her head. No. She had to get back.

When you flash this story out, you probably need to flesh out her backstory and who she left behind to increase the stakes of your story!

The pair had just started to walk towards the exit when the door swung open again. But this time, it didn't let in hungry customers.

Honestly, given the way that your story has gone this far, I was a bit confused. Like, how did Sunny know that these people weren't hungry? Was it that obvious? She didn't really describe how she came to that conclusion or any gut feeling or whatever. So I think you need to describe your villainous minions' entrance more and how Sunny came to the conclusion that she did.

Hello, world. Hello, world. Hello, world," the right one repeated. Streams of red text moved hypnotizingly over its face, like some kind of error-based helmet.

LOL. This... is just... perfect, lol! Love the reference...

Come with us," the left one commanded.

Sunny risked a glance back at Robert, but the robot just shook his head, keeping his eyes on the right one. In a blink, the right newcomer was standing right next to him, and with a single touch, the robot froze. "Error" flashed across his face.

Okay... first, why isn't Sunny looking at the patrons' reactions at this moment when they are basically coercing Sunny? Are they trying to hide? Ignore this whole confrontation because it doesn't have to do with them? Describe!

Next, you want to draw out this moment and fragment sentences a bit for dramatic effect. (Also, clarify your pronouns because right now they are a bit confusing.)

Like... this would be better...

Come with us," the left one commanded.

Sunny risked a glance back at Robert, but Robert just shook his head, keeping his eyes on the right one.

In a blink, the right newcomer was standing right next to Robert and touched him.

With a single touch, Robert froze. "Error" flashed across his face.

So something like that to draw out the moment!

Sunny breathed heavily. She looked at the rest of the café, who looked frozen as well, then lowered her head and stepped towards the doorway. There was no doubt about it; confrontation with the final boss was near.

Okay, yes it might be, but why is this the only inevitable conclusion??? Why is Sunny willing to follow these guys? Why isn't she demanding that they fix Robert now... or else? Why isn't she asking questions like her curious, bubbly self normally would??

More than that, I want to see her logic as to why these characters aren't the big bad guy. Because, for all Sunny knows, they could be the evil guy. I mean, they just disabled Robert! So what does she recognize in them that makes her think she has a worse foe ahead to face?

As Sunny left the café, the being who'd frozen Robert pushed the robot along, bringing him with them. That was some small comfort, at least— maybe the frozen thing was only temporary, and Robert could be fixed. He was an ambassador; the villain would want to keep him alive for useful information, right?

Wait! This seems to imply that Sunny's gut reaction was that the henchmen DESTROYED Robert!!! And she is only now thinking that maybe there might be a way out of this.

This is a very real important thing that you need to emphasize, because DRAMA!!

Sunny shuffled along between the two beings, who she now suspected were errors. That red text was unmistakable.

I probably would have her recognize them as errors when she first saw them... it would give us a better idea of who they were and give us a better mental image.

Well, at least that's where she'd been planning on going.

I would probably expand on this more... maybe have Sunny express more of her reactions and emotions of finding herself in this strange situation.

Sunny bit her lip and silently promised to do everything she could to fix him. Because she was a hero. And heroes could fix everything.

But like... does she have ideas off the top of her head? Is she slightly worried? Or is she just committed to stay positive because otherwise she should succumb to despair?

Sunny's only answer was, "Hello, world."

LOL.

At this point, Sunny was wondering if making her climb the mountain was a strategy to make sure she was too tired to effectively confront the villain.

Also, the annoyingly constant "hello world" would make me want to crack as well, LOL.

It seemed like they'd been walking for days when Sunny finally saw something that wasn't rocks or scraggly trees.

Wait... were they walking for days or was this an exaggeration? I can't tell...

Because there was no way there was an In-N-Out here.

LOL.

IN-N-OUT??? XD

I lived in California most of my life, and I must admit... I am amused. XD They are unmistakable, aren't they?

Hi mint! Lim here with a review.

General Impressions

Oh my – I hadn’t expected the arrival of the errors! Now it looks like the action is going to take off. Poor Robert. I hope Sunny will be able to get him fixed soon. Maybe after she’s figured out who is in charge of the errors? The last sentence of this chapter is intriguing. I don’t know what an In-and-Out is, but I’m suspecting it might be some kind of real world store, and if so, that’s pretty weird how it appeared in Javalandia too. Also, I like that the food descriptions I was wondering about appear right at the beginning of this chapter. Pear and parentheses pancakes sound really interesting. Just the kind of food that I’d expect to see in Javalandia.

Glows – What I liked

I like how there are two contrasting parts to this scene: the lighthearted one at the beginning where Sunny is trying the food makes me think that ‘oh, this will be another ordinary chapter where she finds out more about Javalandia’ but then the second half shows the first errors that seem to have a will of their own, actively dragging the protagonist towards Spaghetti Code Mountain. The surprise generated from that is really good for a dramatic start to the ‘third act’ of the story I think.

"Robert, do you think I'll need a sword?" She tried not to sound too eager.
Robert looked at her skeptically. "No. Here, the best weapon is your mind."

She knew Robert had said her mind would be her greatest weapon, but right now, she really could have used a sword.

^ Not sure if this is going to be a super big thing, but I like how Sunny’s thoughts echoed that little exchange she had with Robert. I like the idea of this opposition between what Sunny thinks questing is going to be (swords + fighting baddies) vs what it actually ends up being (code + puzzle solving). I also like that Sunny eventually decides not to attack, and does take Robert’s advice to use her mind at this critical moment.

Grows – Ideas to consider

I thought the sequence where the ‘Hello, World’ error made Robert’s program start bugging out went by a bit quickly. An action scene should go quickly, of course, but I kind of wished that this was separated into two paragraphs perhaps:

Sunny risked a glance back at Robert, but the robot just shook his head, keeping his eyes on the right one. <potential paragraph break> In a blink, the right newcomer was standing right next to him, and with a single touch, the robot froze. "Error" flashed across his face.

It kind of feels like it makes sense to have a separation between Robert’s action of shaking his head and the error’s action of poking him.
There were also a lot of good ideas in this chapter for Sunny’s character development. Her conflicting feelings about returning home, her thing about mind vs sword and then her guilt about Robert . . . It kind of makes it harder for each idea to ‘breathe’ if that makes sense? It’s not something that necessarily needs to be ‘fixed’ (and I wouldn’t know how to ‘fix’ it either) but just something to keep in mind when revising, methinks.

Overall

I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. I could feel for Sunny and her sort of innocent beliefs in what heroes are supposed to be able to do. I wonder what’s going to happen at the In-and-Out and how Sunny plans to defeat whoever is behind all this.

Hope this helps – let me know if you’d like more feedback on something specific!
-Lim

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: AHHHHH we've arrived at the conflict. (I can't help but feel I kind of sort of brought this on myself by being extra paranoid and waiting for it to appear) but now that its hear you hit us with some pretty powerful blows here I think.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Soon enough, the waitress returned with a plate of pear and parentheses pancakes. The pancakes looked like regular, fluffy pancakes, but some greenish-white sauce was drizzled on top, and inch-long, white curves were sprinkled on the pancakes as well. As the waitress left again, Sunny pointed at the curves and asked, "Robert, what are these parentheses made of?"

"Pear? Like it says in the name of the item? Just, you know, a guess," the robot responded.

Sunny poked at the parentheses and ignored his sarcasm. "Hm." She cautiously placed a forkful of pancake into her mouth, and her eyes widened. "Okay, I don't think it's just pear, but it tastes amazing." The sauce was sweet and tangy with a hint of pear, but the parentheses were the real standout— they were flaky and complemented the pancakes perfectly. Sunny closed her eyes as she finished chewing the bite.

Ahhhh well that sounds far too tasty to be allowed (me readings this at midnight). At the very least it looks like Sunny's little break is going pretty well for the moment and the food happens to be delicious so there's nothing to really be complaining about for the moment.

This was what she was talking about! One of the great parts about questing was the opportunity to try things you wouldn't usually get to try, whether that be new foods or places. For an instant, Sunny even wondered if staying here would be so bad. Sure, she didn't really know anyone in Javaland, but here, she wouldn't have to go to school, and if she succeeded on her quest (as she surely would), the Javalandians would probably be grateful enough to allow her free food to last a lifetime.

But then the faces of her family and friends swam into her mind, and Sunny shook her head. No. She had to get back. This wasn't a vacation— she'd figure out what was causing the errors' descriptions to disappear, and then get back to Earth somehow.

Welp there's one way for us to immediately come crashing down to Earth from the idea of delicious pancakes to how despite everything being so peachy (pun intended I am so sorry) there's still the looming threat of that just hanging over this whole thing like a shadow so that even if Sunny does pull this whole thing off without a hitch we're still going to have a problem to deal with, one that might not have a proper solution.

She shoveled in the rest of the pancakes determinedly. Then, as Robert left a few more pieces of currency on the table, Sunny started worrying about how she'd deal with the final boss. "Robert, do you think I'll need a sword?" She tried not to sound too eager.

Robert looked at her skeptically. "No. Here, the best weapon is your mind."

Sunny pouted, but she stood up obligingly when Robert nodded towards the door.

The pair had just started to walk towards the exit when the door swung open again. But this time, it didn't let in hungry customers.

Aww come on Robert, we all know that Sunny needs to wield a mighty sword of some sort, perhaps even one she ends up coding herself with the power of her mind. Also the way these two are setting out here, I have a feeling they are about to be interrupted. That seems like too much attention to a doorway for this to just be something innocous.

Instead, two tall beings dressed in red text were standing imposingly in the doorway. The patrons of the café nudged each other and stared at the newcomers, and in the space of a few seconds, the café turned silent.

"Stack overflow error," announced the left one. Its red-text armor glitched occasionally, as if it was lagging.

"Hello, world. Hello, world. Hello, world," the right one repeated. Streams of red text moved hypnotizingly over its face, like some kind of error-based helmet.

Oh no..no...oh dear. Red text is never a good sign and these two are perhaps the ones that look the meanest of the people we've met so far. Is this going to be something bad or are these two just intimidating security guards to someone else who isn't going to be quite so evil as this current situation appears.

Sunny gawked at the two. One of the waiters dropped a glass of water, but no one bothered to clean it up when it shattered.

After an appropriately long dramatic silence, the left one asked, "Is there an earthling here?"

The right one kept muttering, "Hello, world."

Sunny gasped. Were these minions sent by the evil one behind the errors' disappearance? "Me. Yes. I'm the hero," she stuttered. The other people in the café turned to stare at her.

Well judging from the waiter's reaction one can really only assume these are minions for the evil. The question asked is innocent enough but the very fact these are personified errors (and some truly terrifying loops at that) and the fact they seem to not be anywhere near as polite as other Javalandians is raising too many red flags here.

"Come with us," the left one commanded.

Sunny risked a glance back at Robert, but the robot just shook his head, keeping his eyes on the right one. In a blink, the right newcomer was standing right next to him, and with a single touch, the robot froze. "Error" flashed across his face.

Sunny staggered backwards, feeling as if someone had sucked all the air out of her. "R-robert?" she croaked.

"Hello, world," the minion said.

Nuuuu Robert....and Error like that seems like about the worst thing that can happen in this rather peaceful world here and I am terrified of what might happen here. Its pretty clear Sunny isn't going to be able to actually fight them off easily this time, she's either going to need to think on her feet really quickly or go along with these minions.

"What did you do to him?" Sunny glared at its red face. She knew Robert had said her mind would be her greatest weapon, but right now, she really could have used a sword. She clenched her fists, but she stopped short of attacking it, seeing as she'd be of no use if she was frozen too.

The other being was still standing in the doorway. "Come," it said impassively.

Sunny breathed heavily. She looked at the rest of the café, who looked frozen as well, then lowered her head and stepped towards the doorway. There was no doubt about it; confrontation with the final boss was near.

Ahhh well the confrontation is definitely nearing if we're already running into threats this powerful just outside the door here. I really hope Sunny can find some way out if. This is definitely the part where a sword would be lovely.

As Sunny left the café, the being who'd frozen Robert pushed the robot along, bringing him with them. That was some small comfort, at least— maybe the frozen thing was only temporary, and Robert could be fixed. He was an ambassador; the villain would want to keep him alive for useful information, right?

Sunny shuffled along between the two beings, who she now suspected were errors. That red text was unmistakable. But— was this where the error descriptions had been going, when they flew towards Spaghetti Code Mountain? Were they making up the armor of these beings?

Well that's a slight bit of comfort. It does certainly look like we're not about to completely lose poor Robert here. That has to be some sort of temporary stunning thing, not anything that would render Robert completely beyond saving.

"Excuse me? Is your armor made out of error descriptions?" Sunny bluntly asked. She directed the question towards the error that was in front of her— the one not repeating "Hello, world."

The error didn't respond. It just kept leading her out of Method City and in the general direction of Spaghetti Code Mountain. Well, at least that's where she'd been planning on going.

"Who are you taking me to?" she tried. "Like, I'm envisioning a big bad villain on a spiky dark throne, cackling as he does something villainous with the error descriptions. Oh yeah, and I bet he's really ugly. Because being evil ruins your looks, you know."

Love that Sunny is doing her best to eke out a direct answer from this lot even though it looks like these villains are employing the old silent treatment to good effect. Usually villains tend to monologue and give away things but these ones seem to be a bit smarter than that.

Sunny's attempts to get a reaction out of the errors was futile. So instead, she looked at poor Robert and tried not to feel like it was her fault. Maybe it hadn't been his choice to come on this quest, but he could've at least tried to run away, right? Right, right… Sunny bit her lip and silently promised to do everything she could to fix him. Because she was a hero. And heroes could fix everything.

The sun was high in the sky when Sunny and the errors left Method City. There was a short patch of barren land between the city and the mountain, and by the time they were at the foot of Spaghetti Code Mountain, Sunny's feet had started to feel a little sore.

"Couldn't you, like, teleport me to your evil lair or something? Your master must be pretty powerful, if they can make error guardians forget about their errors. So why are we walking?"

Ahhh this is honestly a little terrifying to see here. Sunny's continued cheerful attempts to try and make light of the situation a bit or at least her more innocent sounding attempts to figure out where they are being taken mixing with the absolute wall of silence is a surprisingly chilling effect.

Sunny's only answer was, "Hello, world."

"Not much for conversation, are you?" she grumbled.

The next few hours passed in silence (well, except for the constant, "Hello, world") as they picked their way up the mountain. At this point, Sunny was wondering if making her climb the mountain was a strategy to make sure she was too tired to effectively confront the villain.

It seemed like they'd been walking for days when Sunny finally saw something that wasn't rocks or scraggly trees. But it must have been a mirage, or something her tired brain was hallucinating, right? Because there was no way there was an In-N-Out here.

Never thought I'd say the day where that particular sentence would be a cliffhanger but AHHHH it is a cliffhanger and it is powerful despite sounding a little silly. It seems we've ended up running into that bit of tension I've been anticipating for quite a while now and ahh well I suppose one can't have a quest to save a world without at least one moment like this.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall perhaps our most powerful addition to this saga yet. Something about how these villains are perfectly cartoonish and perfectly adorable but at the same time come off so chilling has made for a really powerful moment here and I can't wait to see what happens next. *Scream*

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry