Young Writers Society

Hi! Okay, let's just dive into the review, shall we???

As Sunny approached the In-N-Out, she half-expected it to keep moving away from her like some strangely complex mirage. But as the errors kept escorting her up the mountain and closer to the building, it stayed right where it was, nestled between a pile of rocks and some scraggly trees. There was even the classic arrow sign raised on a pole nearby.

What about the palm trees???

Also, I am still cackling. An In-N-Out??? XD

A burst of air conditioning greeted Sunny as she stepped into the fast-food building. She looked around in awe, confronting the villain forgotten for a moment as she marveled at the red-and-white booths and glowing menu and palm tree icons, exactly like the In-N-Outs she'd been to on Earth.

But does it SMELL like an In-N-Out?? I need to know... (Goodness, I am starting to feel hungry... maybe I shouldn't have moved to New York, lol. It's way too faraway from In-N-Out!)

"You'd be surprised how much a determined human and some hard-working errors can do," answered an unfamiliar voice.

LOL. I LOVE IT. A VILLAIN WHO EXPRESSES HIS VILLAINY BY MAKING AN IN-N-OUT WITH THE HELP OF HIS ERROR MINIONS.

Also, can I please remark that bad guys usually have all the hustle?? Like, sure, good is good, etc., etc. But, in order to be evil, you have to have HUSTLE. It's actually quite good and I admire most villains for their hustling skills, honestly. If I had to hustle as much as they did, I would get burnt out...

"That's funny," the person said, "because I was considered a hero for the first few years I was here." The bright lights of the building illuminated the face of a boy not much older than Sunny. He had floppy brown hair and tired eyes, and was dressed in a sweatshirt and shorts.

Again, I would probably fragment this a little for the dramatic effect. And I would also have Sunny peer closer at him and realize that this villain really didn't fit her vision of what a villain ought to look like, according to all her hero books.

So something more like...

"That's funny," the person said bitterly. "Because, for the first few years that I was here, I was considered a hero."

At those words, Sunny blinked. Then, as he stepped closer to him, she peered at him closely. The bright lights of the building illuminated the face of a boy not much older than Sunny. He had floppy brown hair and tired eyes, and was dressed in a sweatshirt and shorts.

In short: he didn't look like a villain at all.

Or like... something like that!

Sunny reached an arm out and held onto a wall for support. "No way… Your clothes… And saying you're a hero…"

I sort of wish she held onto a booth for support, LOL. Or a ketchup stand?? I don't know, something quintessentially In-N-Out...

Also, I am not quite understanding what Sunny is trying to say in her dialogue. Jasper's next line of dialogue doesn't seem to mesh very well and I just can't figure it out...

Sunny reached an arm out and held onto a wall for support. "No way… Your clothes… And saying you're a hero…"

"So you've heard of me? Jasper, the legendary hero sent from Earth to end the Great War." A corner of his mouth turned upwards in a sarcastic smirk.

It... feels like you're missing something?? So maybe like...

Sunny reached an arm out and held onto a wall for support. "No way… Your clothes… And saying you're a hero… are you Jasper?"

"So you've heard of me? Jasper, the legendary hero sent from Earth to end the Great War." A corner of his mouth turned upwards in a sarcastic smirk.

Even that would be better. As it is, it's missing something...

Jasper sighed. "I'll be honest. That was a last-ditch attempt to get whatever summoning magics called me here to do their thing again and bring another hero to this world."

I feel like Sunny ought to say something like, "So you're not a ruthless, evil villain who wants to destroy the world?" at this point. With Jasper responding something like, "Only if wanting to go back home makes me a villain."

Or... something like that that.

So like, instead of writing this:

Jasper sighed. "I'll be honest. That was a last-ditch attempt to get whatever summoning magics called me here to do their thing again and bring another hero to this world." He walked over to Robert and knelt down in front of the robot, who was still displaying "Error." Jasper reached around to the back of the robot's head and pressed something for a moment, and Robert's screen went blank.

"Wait! What did you do?" Sunny's eyes went wide as she stepped closer.

Then the words, "Restarting… Please wait." appeared over a progress bar.

"Relax, it's just a restart to make it functional again. Anyways, every hero is assigned an ambassador, and that ambassador holds the key to going home."

...you would write this.

Jasper sighed. "I'll be honest. That was a last-ditch attempt to get whatever summoning magics called me here to do their thing again and bring another hero to this world."

Sunny narrowed her eyes. "So you're not a ruthless, evil villain who wants to destroy the world?"

"Only if wanting to go back home makes me a villain," Jasper replied.

He walked over to Robert and knelt down in front of the robot, who was still displaying "Error." Jasper reached around to the back of the robot's head and pressed something for a moment, and Robert's screen went blank.

"Wait! What did you do?" Sunny's eyes went wide as she stepped closer.

"Relax, it's just a restart to make it functional again," Jasper said quickly.

As if to confirm his words, the words, "Restarting… Please wait." appeared over a progress bar on Robert.

"Every hero is assigned an ambassador, and that ambassador holds the key to going home," Jasper continued explaining.

...so it's probably subtle what I'm doing, but also hopefully it shows you that you can edit it so that it flows better?

Like, ending a story is TOUGH because you, the writer, want to rush it because you're SO CLOSE, but honestly you need to stretch it out and just enjoy the drama a bit. So just slow down and have fun with it!

Nope, long story, also long story, and because bracket burgers and curly braces fries just aren't the same."

This... is a bit confusing to read. You might want Jasper to repeat her questions, or ask her to not to rapid-fire him questions or something else.

This past hero was not particularly inspiring her confidence right now.

I mean... no, but he did learn how to reconstruct an In‐N-Out using code, so he has probably gotten better!

It wasn't like they could escape Jasper forever, if he came looking for Robert again.

I mean. She did voluntarily go with them, lol.

Now she really, really wished she had a sword.

I love this cliffhanger, lol...

Hey mint!

General Impressions

Wow, more twists and turns in this chapter! I’m really worried for Robert now – it’s scary that Jasper is meddling around with his circuitry (?) like that. Speaking of which, I was so shocked to see the former hero Jasper turn out to be the antagonist! Shocked in a good way of course, because I could not have predicted that, yet his explanation and linking it to all the details previously discussed (the ambassador being missing, him not going back to Earth, etc.) makes it make sense.

Plot

I thought the pacing was good in this chapter. Even though there were a few dramatic reveals, I didn’t feel like it was too overwhelming – I was quite hooked to the chapter from start to end. The extra immediate danger in the ending does make me wonder if the next scene will be an action sequence or is Sunny going to have to figure out how to resolve all those errors at a lightning pace. I think it probably won’t be the second one, since so far all of her puzzle solving has happened in a pretty peaceful environment? But who knows c:
Another thing I liked was the foreshadowing of Jasper’s reveals with the description of the In-N-Out. The first part of the chapter conveys a few key details about how the place seems a bit otherworldly and Sunny’s musings on the possibility of a “portal” make Jasper’s claims later on a sensible progression.

As a side note, I’m happy that you mentioned the In-N-Out was a fast-food restaurant. I Googled that reference before reading this part, but it’s nice to have that info there for people who’ve never been to one before (like me).

Characters

Something I was wondering about with Sunny was her change of thoughts in this line:

"Hold on." Sunny looked at Jasper. "Even if this works, won't you go back to a world that's years ahead of where you left it? And it doesn't look like you've aged at all." She remembered that Professor Polly had said the previous hero had come a generation ago, but Jasper still looked like a teenager.

It kind of felt a bit out of the blue for me, because before her thoughts were just revolving around what was going to happen to Robert and also whether Jasper was trustworthy/ knew what he was doing in opening the portal. So in this quote, is it that she wants to figure out where Jasper’s motivations lie? I’m not sure.

"You… You've been summoning errors?" Her voice squeaked a little on the last word.

This is a small thing, but it kind of felt to me that the voice squeak or change should have been on the “You”, since Sunny is surprised that the big bad looks like a kid?

As for Jasper, he still seems pretty mysterious, though there are some nice hints at what he’s like. The comment about the food in Javalandia does make me think he genuinely wants to go home. But it is still kind of nasty of him to drag another person from Earth here so that he could go home, without being sure it would work (if I’m interpreting his explanation correctly of course). His comments about the ambassadors are pretty dark! He seems to see them as less sentient than they actually are, and perhaps he might be doing that on purpose to avoid the guilt from whatever slip-up he did to his ambassador?

Overall

I really like how this chapter thickens the conflict and develops what seems to be the ‘third act’ of the story. I thought there was a pretty good balance between the serious stuff and the humor.

Sunny was conflicted between asking for his signature and screaming for him to explain himself.

^The signature bit made me laugh!
I just had those hmm moments with Sunny’s train of thought in that paragraph, which might be good to look over if other reviewers bring up something similar.

Hope this helps – keep writing!
-Lim

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: AHhhh well things are getting serious and we are definitely heading towards an ending here. I love our newly revealed villain here. Love the motivations and the way he goes about reaching them. I am also terrified of what might happen to poor Sunny here. Not that she'd lose but the potential for injuries is making me go AHHHHHH.

Anyway let's get right to it,

As Sunny approached the In-N-Out, she half-expected it to keep moving away from her like some strangely complex mirage. But as the errors kept escorting her up the mountain and closer to the building, it stayed right where it was, nestled between a pile of rocks and some scraggly trees. There was even the classic arrow sign raised on a pole nearby.

"Is that– Really– Huh?" Sunny lapsed into silence, at least until she remembered rule #7 again: don't waste time being surprised. "Okay, so there's some strange piece of Earth here," she murmured under her breath. "What could that possibly mean? Is this a passageway between the two worlds or something? Did a portal open up and deposit this In-N-Out here one day?"

Love that Sunny manages to recover from that so fast because of all of her rules. That set of rules are really coming in handy now when things have gotten just ever so slightly serious. I also love her theory for how that store would have gotten there. Now the question is will that be foreshadowing for how she leaves? :eyes:

Sunny didn't have long to wonder, however, because the errors soon herded her and the frozen Robert through the glass double doors.

A burst of air conditioning greeted Sunny as she stepped into the fast-food building. She looked around in awe, confronting the villain forgotten for a moment as she marveled at the red-and-white booths and glowing menu and palm tree icons, exactly like the In-N-Outs she'd been to on Earth. "How is this possible?"

"You'd be surprised how much a determined human and some hard-working errors can do," answered an unfamiliar voice.

Oooh okay that sounds very much like not only is our villain a human but also somehow this whole place was just built by someone to be a replica. I wonder if google and things exist or if this person just happened to have all of this down to the perfect detail just in their memory.

Sunny jerked her head upwards. A figure stood up from one of the booths and strolled towards her. She gasped. "You! You're the villain!"

"That's funny," the person said, "because I was considered a hero for the first few years I was here." The bright lights of the building illuminated the face of a boy not much older than Sunny. He had floppy brown hair and tired eyes, and was dressed in a sweatshirt and shorts.

Sunny reached an arm out and held onto a wall for support. "No way… Your clothes… And saying you're a hero…"

"So you've heard of me? Jasper, the legendary hero sent from Earth to end the Great War." A corner of his mouth turned upwards in a sarcastic smirk.

AHhh lovely. A classic case of being a hero long enough to see yourself become the villain. Well this is honestly currently just quite hilarious to have to imagine this one as the all powerful villain lord. Not nearly as terrifying as those errors looked in the earlier scene. I am very intrigued though by what this evil plan was actually. At the very least we have the answer for what happened to Jasper.

Sunny was conflicted between asking for his signature and screaming for him to explain himself. She cleared her throat. "You… You've been summoning errors?" Her voice squeaked a little on the last word. It had been much easier to imagine defeating the one behind it all when she'd imagined them as a faceless villain.

Jasper sighed. "I'll be honest. That was a last-ditch attempt to get whatever summoning magics called me here to do their thing again and bring another hero to this world." He walked over to Robert and knelt down in front of the robot, who was still displaying "Error." Jasper reached around to the back of the robot's head and pressed something for a moment, and Robert's screen went blank.

AHHHHH that better not be any damage to Robert or I will have your head!! *Clears throat* Anyway so love this motive. That checks out so much better than the vague ideas I had for what the reason could be and its lovely. It all makes so much sense. Definitely puts an interesting spin on how much of a hero this one ever was and what's going to happen next. This is definitely more powerful than the faceless villain ever was.

"Wait! What did you do?" Sunny's eyes went wide as she stepped closer.

Then the words, "Restarting… Please wait." appeared over a progress bar.

"Relax, it's just a restart to make it functional again. Anyways, every hero is assigned an ambassador, and that ambassador holds the key to going home."

Alright, well, hopefully the restart meant Robert wouldn't be crippled by the error anymore. If Jasper was telling the truth, that is. Sunny blurted out, "So you didn't choose to stay here on purpose? And if that's so, where is your ambassador? What exactly happened after the peace treaty? And why in the world have you made your headquarters look like an In-N-Out?"

Well this is a lot of important questions. I love how these are definitely exactly the questions that I wanted to ask. Also phew Robert is safe but the way that Jasper here is referring to Robert as it and just sort of treating him as a tool is making me quite nervous for what might be coming up here and for the ambassador that Jasper once had.

"Nope, long story, also long story, and because bracket burgers and curly braces fries just aren't the same." Jasper continued staring at Robert's screen, watching the progress bar as it ticked past forty percent.

"What are you going to do to him after the restart?" Sunny clenched her fists nervously.

"I'll need to dive into its code to find the portal."

"What?" Sunny shook her head. "How are you so sure there'll be a portal? Will diving into Robert's code hurt him?" She still unsure on Jasper's villain status, but she knew she had to protect Robert at all costs, because though he was grumpy, he'd stuck by her, hadn't he? Despite herself, Sunny had gotten rather fond of the robot.

Ahhh this is all happening very fast and I love it. Its very realistic to see how focused Jasper is one this objective instead of stopping for a grand villain monologue which honestly we would have accepted quite happily in this more cartoonish setting. And I love how Sunny is having the exact opposite question as me on the hero/villain situation. You can see she very much is conflicted between the epic tails of heroics and Jasper's current situation and of course I adore that we can see some great proof of these two really being fond of each other.

Jasper sighed heavily, then snapped, "I'm sure because I tried it on my own ambassador, okay? And I– I failed last time, but this time will be different." He glared at the screen. "It will."

Sunny fell quiet. Was that why Robert had said the previous hero's ambassador had disappeared? Had Jasper tried something that had gone terribly wrong? This past hero was not particularly inspiring her confidence right now. Sunny eyed the two errors who had brought her here. One was still repeating, "Hello, world," while the other stood quietly. Perhaps she could overpower them using the reference manual in her backpack, grab Robert and run, and then– then what? It wasn't like they could escape Jasper forever, if he came looking for Robert again.

YES SUNNY SMACK THEM WITH THE BOOK. Also love the building tension here. Despite the craziness and the cartoony behavior of the lot we still very much get a very real sense of danger building in the background of this and I love that.

Sunny glanced at the bar as it passed eighty percent. Did she even want them to escape Jasper? Because if he knew some way to get home, that could solve everything. With Jasper gone, presumably whatever spell he was casting to summon the errors would also dissipate, meaning the completion of her quest. And then both of them could go back to their normal lives. But…

"Hold on." Sunny looked at Jasper. "Even if this works, won't you go back to a world that's years ahead of where you left it? And it doesn't look like you've aged at all." She remembered that Professor Polly had said the previous hero had come a generation ago, but Jasper still looked like a teenager.

Jasper was silent for a moment, and then he snapped his fingers. "Your chatter is quite distracting. Stack Overflow, please escort this young hero to the kitchen."

Oh well it looks like Jasper has decided to act a little more villainy there and have Sunny escorted away. This is good timing though right as Sunny is realizing the stakes and thinking of something to dissuade Jasper's plans and when we're in the dark about what might end up going down with poor Robert over there.

The error silently stepped over to Sunny and grasped her arm, pulling her away. "No! Wait! I'll be quiet! Just–"

It shoved her behind the counter. Sunny lost her balance and landed on her back, the air rushing out of her. As the error returned to Jasper, Sunny winced and caught her breath, then pushed herself up again. But before she could return as well, she saw an ominous spot of red from the corner of her eye.

Sunny whirled around and nearly toppled over again. There was a whole army of errors clustered around the kitchen, dressed in varying patterns of red text. As she stood there, a couple edged behind her and hemmed her in, cutting off any means of escape.

She gulped and said, "H-hello there." Now she really, really wished she had a sword.

AHHHHHHHHH. This is the part where that sword would really have been useful indeed. I believe in Sunny enough to hope she makes it out with the power of her mind but this is a terrifying little cliffhanger to end on, arguably the most terrifying yet and now I don't know how you expect me to wait another full week.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall love the direction we're going in here. All the buildup that we had so far has been answered beautifully I think. I'm definitely not disappointed. I look forward to seeing how this gets resolved here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry