Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Jason Alders realized that the last drop of sun had just disappeared over the horizon. He sometimes lost track of time while he was riding his bike. I’d better head home, he thought. Stopping at an intersection of the bike trail and the highway, he considered his options.
I could probably make it back sooner if I took the highway, he thought. It was late fall so the sun set early. His mom had told him to be home in time for supper, and he had completely forgotten until now, but he still had a chance to avoid being late. The highway was a more direct route, and it was a downhill ride most of the way—not like the constant up-and-down of the bike trail. He would probably cut off twenty to thirty minutes of biking time if he took the highway.
Pushing off the ground, Jason made a left turn onto the highway and started skimming down a hill on the road’s shoulder, picking up speed as he went. The cold air, full of the scent of dry leaves, nipped at his face. As he reached the bottom of the hill, he accidentally drifted a little too far to the left and started driving on the shoulder’s rumble bars.
As the sudden, uncomfortable vibration shocked his body, his glasses filled with a car’s headlights, momentarily blinding him. Instinctively—to get off the rumble bars—he jerked his bike to the left, coming out right in front of the car.
The middle-aged lady in the car shrieked and stomped on the breaks, but she was going 63 miles per hour and couldn’t stop the car in time. The car struck the teenage boy in the back, and he flew into the windshield and shattered it while the bike was crushed under the wheels.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
So now that I've realized this is part of "insult to injury" and not "mother and father," you can probably ignore that review I left on part 2 of mother and father where I said this could be part of the prologue. It would appear I read the list of related works too hastily and read part 1 of "insult to injury" and have yet to read part 1 of "mother and father." I feel a bit silly now, but oh, well.
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Greetings again Songmorning! Holographic Ladybug back for yet another review!
Oh. My. Gosh. Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! What an intense ending! So cliff-hanger-y! Really intense. I wish I could write this review automatically so I can read the next chapter right now! But I can't because reviews take time. (Ugh!)
I was just waiting for something to mess up with your story... But it didn't! (Though I'm not surprised.) It's very perfect! I couldn't find a single thing wrong with this! Good for you.
You explained Jason's predicament very well and without flaw. You even explained how he got hit at the ending super well.
Yet again, great job.
Happy holidays!
~Holographic Ladybug
hello (again). So I see we're switching to a new character, okay. I guess I'm supposed to know what this anime is and already know who Jason is, so don't worry that I'm not introduced to him, heheh.
We start off at a bit of a slower pace then the prologue was, but it's still quite an interesting hook, with the simple statement of "consider his options", as that branches off rather quickly without touching the climax yet.
eh, why the probably? I just think if the narrator isn't an actual character in the story, they should know. You could take it out and put an "about" in front of twenty or thirty for more clarity.
Awesome description!
Wow, when things start out that slow, they're bound to get dark fast. Introducing a character just to kill them shows just how heartless the narration is, but that also makes it that much more interesting to read, because you never know what will happen. Then again, maybe he survived, you never said he was dead yet :p
"63 miles per hour" is too exact for me, even though I just said the narrator should know. We don't need to know exactly how fast she was going, just a rough estimate would be fine. But again, I'm nitpicking because this is a really good piece and I can't find much to correct despite wanting to review with more than just niceties and congratulations :p
Bahaha! When I read "'63 miles per hour' is too exact for me", I burst out laughing and looked back at the quote to see if I'd actually written that. Yeah, I'll change that, perhaps to "over the speed limit". I think I know what was in my head at the time... I meant to express that she was over the speed limit but not so much over the speed limit that she'd get pulled over. When I'm driving, drivers like that annoy me like crazy (even though that's most drivers) because I go at exactly the speed limit and they're constantly tailgating me as though two or three miles per hour will make a difference in how long it takes for them to get where they're going. That's probably why I wrote "63 miles per hour", but as far as the story is concerned, I see no reason to keep that phrase.
I also laughed when you picked out my "probably" because that's a remnant of a bad habit I had in my early writing: I'd put "probably" or "almost" before all kinds of things that didn't need any uncertainty added to them. I'll certainly fix that.
Hey, I'm here to review this interesting fanfiction! I've read all the chapters, by the way.
First, the suggestions;
Spoiler
"... the time ..."
This sentence doesn't sound complete. "...completely forgotten about it..."
There's "highway", so to refer to that, you just need to use "it" and not "way" to avoid redundancy.
Okay, so this vibration did appear suddenly. Since you use "as", it gives us the indication that the vibration has appeared before which is not the case. This is a simple fix - paraphrase to "out of a sudden, an uncomfortable vibration shocked his body..."
Hmm, the number "63" is distracting. Change it to "sixty-three" to get more flow and make the sentence stable.
For the plot, characters, and settings;
The plot takes a suspenseful turn and ends with a death of a poor boy. The depiction of the death is nicely done but there's something missing that makes it not as impactful as you want it to be. The reason would be discussed later. Overall, I can see how it would be the trigger point to this Hell Girl fanfiction. The plot moves forward and that's good.
Now, for characters, I can't say much about Jason. He seems to be a plot device use as someone who is just unfortunate to encounter that kind of tragic death. But I couldn't feel anything for him. If only you make the chapter longer - this one is pretty short - to put in scenes that show his personality, his death would be more meaningful and impactful.
Perhaps before his death he sees someone being bullied and helps that someone. And then there are cats meowing for food and he helps feeding them. This examples would build our connection to Jason and once it is cut off by his death, we would feel the sadness that we should feel.
For the setting, there's nothing much to say here. You've done a good job to portray it, and I can imagine the place Jason ride at and the consequences of his death. Overall, this chapter just needs some character building to make it more impactful. Keep up the good job!
Hi, its Zeus here to review! I have to say, this is a great story! I like how you show what your protagonist is thinking, and how you spaced out everything. However, your sentences seem a little long to me. Like For example, I think 'Pushing off the ground, Jason made a left turn onto the highway and started skimming down a hill on the road’s shoulder, picking up speed as he went.' is long and would be better said as 'Pushing of the ground, Jason made a left turn onto the highway. he started skimming down a hill on the road's shoulder, picking up speed as he went." as i think that would divide it up and make it easier to read. There were other sentences that could do with division too. All in all, this was a good story, and I will read the parts that come after this soon. Keep writing!
-Zeus
I loved this show. I wasn't planning on doing any reviews today, but this grabbed me by the neck and dragged me into it. Curse you, curiosity!
Watch your and's and but's. Some of those sentences seem a little long, and that last paragraph starts off good, then starts reading like a police report. I think you could drag it out a little more, add some suspense, and then deliver the crushing blow.
Other than that, you're pretty golden. BUT just so you know, as I started reading these, Que Sera Sera by Pink Martini came on and I about jumped out of my skin. It really set an eerie tone. XD
Keep being awesome.
Oh, and you should probably translate the Japanese for those not in the know.
Thanks! I know I've had a long-standing problem with run-on sentences, probably because I was reading a lot of Dostoyevsky when I first started writing. Talk about run-ons! I'll keep working at that.
As for translating the Japanese, I added a translation in the folder description, but I'm not sure how often people look at it, so I might try it somewhere else...