Young Writers Society

Hi again Songmornig! Holographic Ladybug back for yet another review of another one of your fantastic works!

I am slightly.......mortified. Th-that's good, right? I'm pretty sure it is. You've written this so fantastically, after all, especially if you're making me feel like this. Heh heh...

'Her husband would be driving home from work around this time, and Jason had gone out on a bike ride. But it couldn’t have been Jason, could it? He would have been on the bike trail. And it might not be her husband either. It could be a friend, or even someone she didn’t know.'
Foreshadowing! I love it! But I feel so cruel to consider this good. It is, but it just feels that way! So cruel to be loving this story right now. Ugh! Mixed emotions! But the use of foreshadowing was fantastic.
You've even demonstrated the anxiety of it all amazingly well. I could almost feel it. Really realistic again. That's the core for emotion in writing, right?

'Jason’s spine was broken at the waist and at the neck.'
This is another fine reason why I love your writing! It just hurts to imagine this! (Arrrggh! Why? Why do people have to get hurt?) Yet again, you've written so realistically and beautifully. Just.... Ow.

'“No, you shut up!” the woman screamed back at him, “You don’t know what it’s like—to see a boy fly into your windshield and die right in front of you!”'
More of the emotion! LOVE IT! Yet again, very realistic emotion. I wouldn't ever change it.

Wow, yet again. Still fantastic as ever.

Happy holidays!
~Holographic Ladybug!

hello. Overall, I found this chapter really great. You portrayed the closeness of the family very well, and you avoid a problem with most fan-fiction where it's filled with references to the story and alienates people who haven't read it. It feels like a legitimate story, if that makes any sense. The characters come to life very well, their emotions and interaction with each other are great for the most part.

Michelle Alders was just finishing setting the table when she heard the doorbell ring. She was about to go answer it, but her 21-year-old son Samuel told her not to bother and went to answer it for her. Samuel was taking college classes online and staying at home while he finished his studies. Michelle had always been proud of him, but Jason was secretly her favorite because he was the baby of her small family.

Suddenly, Samuel burst back into the room. The anxious edge in his voice made his mother look up quickly. She was suddenly afraid.

“Mom,” Samuel said, “There’s a cop at the door. He wants us to come with him. He says there’s been an accident and wants to know if…if we can identify the body.”

Michelle immediately followed him to the door, growing more terrified every second. She took her phone out of her jeans pocket as if to call Jason or her husband, but stopped. Either of them could be the “body” the policeman wanted her to identify. Her husband would be driving home from work around this time, and Jason had gone out on a bike ride. But it couldn’t have been Jason, could it? He would have been on the bike trail. And it might not be her husband either. It could be a friend, or even someone she didn’t know.

“Why didn’t you teach your son not to ride his damn bike in the middle of the road?!” the middle-aged woman screamed at her.

“You shut up!” Samuel shouted furiously, taking a step forward like he was going to punch her.

“No, you shut up!” the woman screamed back at him, “You don’t know what it’s like—to see a boy fly into your windshield and die right in front of you!”

Hey, I'm here to review again! Hopefully I can review all the chapters.

Suggestions;

Hey its Zeus here to review for the Gamma Police! All hail the Gamma Police! OK and now for the review.
I have to say, it was a good story, but I felt that a few things could have been said a little better. For example, I think in 'She was about to go answer it, but her 21-year-old son Samuel told her not to bother and went to answer it for her.', what Samuel said should have been in direct speech, like 'She was about to go answer it, but then her 21-year-old son Samuel said "Don't bother, Mom. I'll answer it." And he went to answer it for her.' I think that would give more life to your characters, and make it easier for the reader to imagine it actually happening. Also, in 'Suddenly, Samuel burst back into the room. The anxious edge in his voice made his mother look up quickly. She was suddenly afraid.“Mom,” Samuel said, “There’s a cop at the door. He wants us to come with him. He says there’s been an accident and wants to know if…if we can identify the body.”'
You said that Samuel had an anxious edge in his voice before he said anything. I think that you should have put the dialogue before saying that he had an anxious edge in his voice, as in 'Suddenly, Samuel burst back into the room. “Mom,” Samuel said, with an anxious edge in his voice that made his mother look up quickly. She was suddenly afraid. “There’s a cop at the door. He wants us to come with him. He says there’s been an accident and wants to know if…if we can identify the body.”' I think this would be better as it shows what he siad with an anxious edge in his voice. Also, as I sated in my last review of your work, you have a tendency of making your sentences run on. For example, 'Mechanically, her mind full of unwelcome thoughts, Michelle got into her minivan with Samuel, started the engine, and followed the cop car to the scene of the accident.' Is too long and would be better said as 'Mechanically, her mind full of unwelcome thoughts, Michelle got into her minivan with Samuel. She started the engine, and followed the cop car to the scene of the accident.'
There were other sentences like this too. Please try to change that. Anyway, apart from the above, good work, and please keep writing!
-Zeus