Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
When Michelle had told Allan about their appointment the next day, he had assured her that such a lawsuit could never be approved by any judge in his right mind, and it probably wouldn’t even make it to court. Yet now, as Michelle lay in bed next to him, the only thing she could think of was the article she had read earlier that day.
I wonder if Jigoku Shoujo actually could be real, she thought. It was a silly idea, but she couldn’t stop thinking about it. People like Janet Coleman deserve to go to Hell, she thought, Jigoku Shoujo could ferry her straight to Hell.
Looking at the red numbers of the clock on her bedside table, Michelle saw that it was only five minutes until midnight. Remembering from the article that the website could only be accessed at midnight, she had the wild idea to try searching for it to see what would happen. Slipping carefully out of bed, she went over to her laptop and opened it. The blue log-in screen shone palely on her face in the dark, enhancing the few wrinkles that had begun to form in it. She attributed those wrinkles to the deaths of her sons.
Hurriedly, Michelle opened an internet window and typed, “Jigoku Tsuushin” into the Google search box. As the clock turned midnight, she clicked on the first link that was listed. The window that opened was completely black for an instant, but then a flame appeared in the top center. The flame turned into a text box with the phrase, “I will release your hatred” above it and an “enter” button beneath it.
Michelle’s heart began to beat faster. Was this it? If she typed Janet’s name into that box, would Jigoku Shoujo ferry that woman to Hell? Still, it probably wasn’t real.
Her fingers shaking, Michelle typed “Janet Coleman” into the text box. It couldn’t hurt just to type it. For a few seconds, she sat staring at the page. She felt like it would probably turn 12:01 soon. Would the website disappear as soon as midnight passed? With a sudden surge of something like panic, she took her mouse and clicked the “enter” button.
As soon as she pressed the button, she became afraid. What happened? she wondered, Did I actually send that woman to Hell? She hadn’t actually meant to do it. She had just wanted to see if the website was real. But then, this was superstition—an urban myth. She couldn’t have really sent Janet to Hell.
At that moment, her cell phone vibrated from her bedside table. Running over to it, she hurriedly pressed two buttons to unlock the screen and saw that she had a text message. Wondering who would text her at this time of night, she opened the message. She almost screamed when she saw it. Red light glowed from the screen, surrounding a simple text: “Accepted. Jigoku Shoujo.”
When Michelle looked up from her phone, she really did scream, dropping the phone in the red grass under her feet. She was no longer in her bedroom, but rather up on a hill with mountains in the distance. The mountains were silhouetted against a sunset which cast deep red light across the whole countryside. The sky was also a deep shade of red. In front of Michelle, there was a tall tree, and standing under the tree, there was a young girl. The girl had an extremely pale face, and her hair was long, straight, and pitch black. Her outfit looked like a school uniform, with a black blouse, a white collar, a red bow at the neck, and a black skirt. What was most striking about her, however, were her eyes, which were wide and staring, intensely red.
Standing around the girl were three other people: a young man in a hoodie with a yellow eye and black hair cut to cover the other, an old man in a brown yukata with a red scarf and a wide-brimmed hat, and an elegant woman with black hair and a long, low-necked dress.
Yet it was the girl who drew Michelle’s eyes, and fear mixed with wonder filled her heart. “Are you…Jigoku Shoujo?” she asked in a voice that was almost a whisper.
The girl nodded. “My name is Enma Ai,” she said, “You called me.” Her voice was soft and low.
“Do you really hate that woman?” the young man asked from where he was leaning against the tree trunk.
Michelle lowered her head. “Yes…” she replied, “I do.”
“Enough to kill her?” the beautiful woman added.
Michelle’s reply stuck in her throat, and she found that she couldn’t answer this directly. “She killed my son!” she cried instead, “And then—and then my other son died from drinking because he couldn’t handle the death of his brother! Both of their deaths were all her fault! But now…now she wants to sue us just because she suffered trauma from killing Jason! It’s as if she thinks their deaths are all my fault! Will she stop at nothing? Is it not enough for her just to kill my children that she also wants to ruin my husband and me financially? How can we afford to pay for this lawsuit? We just paid for two funerals!” By the time Michelle came to the end of her tirade, she found she was screaming, and there were tears running down her cheeks.
“Wanyuudo,” Enma Ai said.
“Yes, Young Miss,” the old man responded. He threw his red scarf over his shoulder and suddenly changed into a black straw doll with a red string around its neck.
Enma Ai picked up the straw doll from the ground and held it out to Michelle. “Take this,” she said, and Michelle obeyed.
“If you really wish to take revenge, you may pull the red string,” Enma Ai continued, “You make a covenant with me when you pull the string. The recipient of your revenge will be ferried straight to Hell.”
Michelle stared down at the doll, her heart trembling, uncertain.
“However,” Enma Ai said, “Once the revenge has been dealt, you will be required to pay the compensation. Two holes appear when you curse a person: when you die, your soul will fall into Hell too. You will not be able to go to Heaven. You will be plunged into pain and suffering and left to wander for all eternity.”
Michelle held the black doll more tightly, her hands shaking. “But she’s the one who’s evil,” she protested, “I’m not like her. Why should I go to Hell too?” Yet even as she was speaking, the landscape was fading away, and she soon found herself back in her own room. For a few seconds, Jigoku Shoujo’s face appeared in the mirror as she said, “The rest…is for you to decide,” and then she disappeared.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
[Insert my greeting here]
Yep, it happened. (Sighs) I'm coming to a point where I'm starting to feel super sorry for Michelle. Will she do it? Will she not? Hmmmm....... It could go both ways. I wouldn't do it, but I'm not Michelle...
'I wonder if Jigoku Shoujo actually could be real, she thought. It was a silly idea, but she couldn’t stop thinking about it. People like Janet Coleman deserve to go to Hell, she thought, Jigoku Shoujo could ferry her straight to Hell.'
And I wonder if Michelle could benefit from counselling. I wouldn't really think that Janet would deserve to go there, but she's under a lot of stress and sadness. If I managed to come up with all that, you are seriously making me feel some emotion. Well done. You are really moving the story along at a steady pace.
'Her fingers shaking, Michelle typed “Janet Coleman” into the text box. It couldn’t hurt just to type it. For a few seconds, she sat staring at the page.'
Don't do it! No!!!!!!!!!!!! (And yes, it could actually hurt, Michelle!)
You are showing her emotion super well (surprisingly in ways that moves the story along). You're making me feel it, which is great. You want that. Like I've said a million times before, the emotion has a really realistic feel, which adds to the intensity.
'Michelle’s reply stuck in her throat, and she found that she couldn’t answer this directly. “She killed my son!” she cried instead, “And then—and then my other son died from drinking because he couldn’t handle the death of his brother! Both of their deaths were all her fault! But now…now she wants to sue us just because she suffered trauma from killing Jason! It’s as if she thinks their deaths are all my fault! Will she stop at nothing? Is it not enough for her just to kill my children that she also wants to ruin my husband and me financially? How can we afford to pay for this lawsuit? We just paid for two funerals!” By the time Michelle came to the end of her tirade, she found she was screaming, and there were tears running down her cheeks.'
So much emotion happening here. I can totally see it, which is great, which is making me want to read it so much more! (I really think she can benefit from counselling at this time.) When she is speaking, it feels like she is saying it in a kind of overwhelmed way. Her breaths are kind of sob-ish and she wants to punch someone in the face and cry for hours at the same time. That's how I'm seeing it, which proves how well you wrote her line. If you intended that, it was seriously awesome. If you didn't, still seriously awesome. I can't see how it can get any awesomer. (Not a word, I know.)
'Michelle held the black doll more tightly, her hands shaking. “But she’s the one who’s evil,” she protested, “I’m not like her. Why should I go to Hell too?”
Again with another well-written line. But this time I'm getting the feeling that she wants to scream her head off about all of the injustice and cry for twice as long at the same time.
YOU CANNOT CONTAIN THE AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CANNOT CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT!!!!!!! What else will you put her through? I'm feeling nervous for her, yet very excited. Mixed emotionsssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!
Stay awesome!
~Holographic Ladybug
(No ironic quote this time!)
Yeah, so I sort of figured where this was headed, but I didn't see Michelle getting the decision. With this story ending up as tragic as it has been, I can't see this ending happy for her, but you would be throwing the dog a bone. This woman completely ruined her life, and now she has a chance to send both of them with her; very precarious spot we're in now, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it ends...again, I don't imagine it ending well with Michelle...get the feeling Allan's going to end up a widower. Hope I'm wrong though, as I do like her, heh.
Your writing is consistent with the rest of the narrative, so there isn't much else to say. Just a couple minor things to point out:
You could probably change one instance of midnight to "twelve A.M.", I'm just not a fan of the same noun being used back to back when you can describe it in a different way the other time.
I already mentioned this before, but the "something like" isn't necessary, as it's quite clear she is panicking, and since the narrator isn't a character, they should know exactly what she's feeling.
That covers it, see you for part six ^^
Heya, Song~ it's cool to see anime fanfiction around here. I hope I'll be of help, since I watch the show too. Before I start though, I have to say that this is the first thing I read of this series, but I'm assuming this is done Jigoku Shoujo style, wherein each chapter (or part of a chapter) is a story of a different person. If I'm wrong though and this is connected to the previous part, then I'm sorry if I make mistakes. Now, on to the review!
I like how you have a solid grasp of the show: the introduction of the customer, their victim and reasons, and the whole Hell Girl Service. It really showed here in your writing. If anything, I only have a few nitpicks which I'll get to later. I also appreciate how you can get the hesitation and fear of Michelle across to me, the reader. Even though I'm just observing what's happening, I can really feel and visualize what's happening to her, which is awesome! I think that even folks who haven't seen the anime would be able to get the imagery, thanks to your descriptions.
As for the nitpicks I was talking about earlier, I spotted two, which are actually very debatable even. First off is Ren's eye color (the one with black hair). Wasn't it more of a light green? Then again, it is olive so either way could work. Second, Enma's world isn't that red, is it? If I remember correctly, as it's been a while since I watched an episode, isn't the sunset (sky and the light cast) more of an orange/dark orange than red hue? Yes, the whole hill scene pretty much uses warm colors, but I don't recall red having been used that much. Anyway, that's pretty much it.
I really enjoyed reading this. I'll likely check the following chapters just to see how Michelle's story ends. Good luck and keep writing!
Oh, am I glad I stuck around.
I'm actually astounded by how perfectly you portrayed Jigoku Shoujo. Sure, I have no idea what the source material is like, but even this was amazing. The way she and her disciples talk to Michelle is equal parts creepy and mystifying. Although, you could make the scene a bit less static; try adding more movement or description. It might amplify any dream-like effect you want to insert.
As for the plot, it's amazing. It's exceptionally driven by fear, confusion, wrath and all sorts of human traits. I enjoyed the part where she pressed "enter" out of fear, rather than typical anger. It really made for a three-dimensional character. And that capturing of the human essence is what most writers strive for in their work.
And now Michelle is left with a Faust-type deal. It'll be interesting to see what she chooses, especially since she's meeting Janet tomorrow. Could you bring that up again? It might very well increase the dread and suspense that's been building for a while now.
As for your style, I will say in this one to have some variety in descriptions. Color words, especially, could have easy replacements. Red is crimson, black is ebony, blue is cerulean. Or you could just toss in some literary devices to encompass the details. It's your choice, how to go about it.
The flow works smoothly once again, and the mood is, again, as effective as last time.
Overall, this is turning out to be an exciting read. But this places even more pressure on the final chapters. We'll see how that goes. Cheers!
-Chaser