Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
The months that came after the funeral were a blur to Michelle. She was hardly living during those days. Her mind was dulled with grief. She and her husband, Allan, ate Hamburger Helper every night because she couldn’t muster up the strength to cook. For the first few weeks, Samuel ate dinner with them, but then he started disappearing more and more often at night. He would stay out late and sometimes not come back home until early in the morning. Michelle would find him lying on the couch in the morning, and he wouldn’t wake up until noon or later. His college classes were completely neglected. Whenever Samuel woke up, he would have a terrible headache, and after a while, Michelle was forced to admit that he was out drinking every night. When she tried bringing up the subject to him, he snapped at her, then apologized dully and wandered up to his room.
As the memory of Jason’s death began to soften a little, Michelle worried more and more about Samuel. She cried every night—not sure whether it was for Jason or Samuel—and though Allan tried to comfort her, he couldn’t do much because he was struggling with the same things. Samuel only grew more distant. He started going to the bar earlier and staying there later.
One morning, he didn’t come home at all.
Panicking, Michelle called the police and gave them Samuel’s license plate number, saying he was missing, and begging them to find him. In a few hours, a policeman showed up at her doorstep. He was the same policeman who had been there at Jason’s death, and he looked like he didn’t want to say what he had to tell her.
“I’m sorry, Ma’am,” he began painfully, “But…your son Samuel is dead. Best we can tell, he died from alcohol consumption. His blood alcohol content was .45.”
Michelle felt like she had been stabbed in the heart. She wanted to beg the policeman to tell her she was only having a nightmare. Stumbling back away from the door, she turned and ran to the living room. She cried on the couch for a whole hour before she was able to call Allan and tell him what happened. They scheduled the funeral for Saturday.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hello yet again! Holographic Ladybug (why do I keep referring to myself in the third person?) here yet again for another review of your awesome story!
) nightmare. You have made her situation totally relatable, which is great for readers. Awesome, yet again.
Can't wait to see what happens next!
How many times can I say 'oh my gosh' until I can make a whole review out of them alone? I'm not sure, but I am sure of the stakes: THEY'RE HIGHTENING! Seriously, awesome, awesome, awesome job yet again. Couldn't get any better.
[Insert first paragraph here]
You show the time passing without flaw and as meaningfully as possible. Life isn't so good for them, is it?
You show the emotion for both Michelle and Samuel as awesomely as possible. Yet again (I'm probably going to say this as much as possible), you show it very realistically. I'm also feeling the emotion as well, which is a good sign. (Not so much for me, but for you it's great!)
'As the memory of Jason’s death began to soften a little, Michelle worried more and more about Samuel.'
Shocking memories do soften and I love how you included this! I've read stories where the main character just keeps obsessing over their memories and it doesn't seem to soften at all and their mindset stayed the same. (Yes, book on the shelf next to me. I'm looking at you!) It's great how you did this, especially with some new emotions. That happens, too.
'One morning, he didn’t come home at all.'
At this point I was starting to expect the worst.
'“I’m sorry, Ma’am,” he began painfully, “But…your son Samuel is dead. Best we can tell, he died from alcohol consumption. His blood alcohol content was .45.”'
Ouch! I don't usually feel sorry for main characters, but now I'm starting to feel really bad for Michelle. (This is also a good sign for you!) How much are you going to make her go through?! Talk about a series of unfortunate events. (Take that, Lemony Snicket!)
'She wanted to beg the policeman to tell her she was only having a nightmare.'
I, too, have experienced events that I wished were a simple (or complicated
(Not so much for Michelle, but you get the point.)
If you keep exciting me with your works, I swear I'll explode of too much excitement! You are truly a great writer, Songmorning.
~Holographic Ladybug
Alright, another short chapter! Not complaining about that, I'm a fan of shorter chapters in general, heheh. Wasn't expecting a time skip so soon, I expected we'd get the reaction from the father.
WAIT WHAT! You killed off Samuel? Wow, you have no heart at all, poor Michelle. That's something so torpid and twisted that really describes you well as a writer. This tale is just overtly sorrowful as it gets, but to the point where I'm sad, just amused. I just want to know how Michelle is even going to cope. And at this point, we still haven't met Allan, so huh.
Not anything to correct here, you captured the grief Michelle felt absolutely perfectly, conveying this massive whirlpool of sympathy from the reader. When you want the reader to react in a certain way, you don't hold back, you show no boundaries, and that's something that I really appreciate. Getting us attached to a character just to kill them off is evil, but it's evil in a way that shows your capabilities as a writer. Maybe you could've expanded this further if you wanted, instead of a timeskip you could've shown the longwinded version of Samuel's downward spiral. That might've given it a greater impact; like I mentioned, I wasn't as sad at Samuel's passing as I was amused, and rather shocked. But it's your decision if you didn't want to write that, I also appreciate a quick pace in stories, this is only seven parts if I'm looking at the sidebar correctly.
That about covers it, looking forward to reading part four.
"That really describes you well as a writer"...Ouch.
It describes my fanfiction writing, more like. I promise that my own stories are mostly not nearly this heartless, but when I write fanfiction, I try to write it as much in the spirit of the original as possible. Jigoku Shoujo is a pretty heartless but deeply profound anime, and I appreciate it for its profundity. When I want to work through my thoughts on some of the greatest injustices of the world, that's when I write a Jigoku Shoujo fanfic. In my own stories, I tend to be a bit nicer to my characters.
As for the pacing, you'll notice I called these "parts" and not "chapters". That's because "Insult to Injury" and "Mother and Father" are each meant to be short stories--I just broke them up here to make them easier to read. They can be read in approximately the same amount of time it takes to watch a Jigoku Shoujo episode, and they're paced in about the same way. If I added more detail, I might have a more in-depth story, but it wouldn't be quite as much like watching an episode of Jigoku Shoujo. In my third, full Jigoku Shoujo story--"Dirty Streets"--I didn't worry about making the pacing match the show, and I wrote it at my own pace. I really consider "Dirty Streets" to be one of my best stories (even though it's a fanfiction), and certainly my best short story. Perhaps freeing myself to add more detail helped with that.
aaaaah dont take it as deragatory, Ive been enjoying this story, its good when a writer is able to let go of characters when the story calls for it. Its also easy for me to forget its fanfiction because the quality is higher than the ones im used to reading.
That's quite a compliment!
Now, my "own" stories are all talking teddy bears, and sprightly wanderers, and fairies and elves, and philosophically-inclined tyrants massacring entire races...yeah, they can get dark sometimes too. :/
Hey, I'm here to continue my mission!
As usual, the suggestions;
Spoiler
"... struggling with the same thing" sounds better. There's no need to make thing plural.
Remove the "later" as it is unnecessary. We know it's later without the word.
If you go with this dialogue tag, the second part should start with a small letter. Here, it's "but" instead of "But".
About the plot and characters;
Wow, another death! Anyway, I don't mind it but then again, you want to give impact to your readers. One death is enough further on when Michelle contacts the Hell Girl, but an important event like deaths should be make meaningful. Anyway, the plot is progressing. I'm going to tell you what is off with the death in character section.
Okay, so character. Sam dies, and how do you want us to feel about that? Sad, mad? If that's so, you have to build this Sam character. You have to make us relate to him. Also, he dies because of his brother, right? Show us why he's so close with his brother that his brother's death brings a toll to him. Right now, I see the death is just there to surprise us, nothing more.
About settings; nothing much to say, although I think you can incorporate the setting to show more Michelle's house and how it can relate to her emotion, like the dull curtain reflects to her tired emotion and whatnot. Settings aren't just to describe the place, the whereabout, but also as a tool to effectively show more about a character.
Anyway, that's all! Keep up the good job!
Thanks for the suggestions! I do want to add impact to Jason's and Sam's deaths, but the reason that there isn't much detail is this: Originally, I was keeping these as short as possible, so that the amount of time it would take to read one "episode" would be equal to the amount of time it would take to watch a Jigoku Shoujo "episode". I relaxed that a bit in "Dirty Streets", which I'll be posting later. I'll start thinking of ways to give my readers more sympathy for Jason and Sam while still keeping within the time limit I've set--"Jigoku Shoujo" itself does well at creating sympathy in a short time.
By the way, when I said "staying there later", I actually meant, "staying there longer".
Forget the Gamma Police; Zenith will come out on top, and we'll leave 'em in the dust.
This is one exceptional story that you have here, Songmorning. I'm surprised at how many emotions you're able to convey in so few words. I don't know many writers who are able to do what you just did. Well done! Furthermore, I love the sense of despair and misery that you communicate throughout your entire work. Michelle slowly falls apart at the loss of her son, unable to cook anything and despairing over the state of her other son, who slowly becomes more and more unstable and turns to drinking as an escape before dying. I like more so the way that you bring about such feelings. By this, I mean the way that you so skillfully provide descriptions does a wonderful job of poking at the family's troubles, such as Samuel's strange habits, and his mother's realization that he has turned to drinking. I can envision his slipping grades, his hangovers, his slow mental and emotional collapse, and the snapping at his mother. I can imagine Michelle's surprise at his death.
However, what I liked most was the stunning realization at the end of the story. It was beginning to be obvious, from Samuel's vanishing each and every day, that he was one day just going to vanish and never be seen alive again. Nonetheless, I was hoping ever more that such a thing wouldn't happen. The story's sense of despair was so powerful and so intense that I wondered if it would change, if something would happen to bring respite to the family. However, such was not the case. A BAC of .45? O_O Yeah, that's lethal. I don't know any human being who can survive that amount of alcohol in the bloodstream. I can certainly imagine the horror of the mother as she realized this, and how much she cried afterwards; it truly is a tragic event, and one that caps off the entirety of this dramatic, and exceptional story.
Well done, songmorning! The story is excellent, from start to finish, and I deeply enjoyed reading it. Your characters were fascinating, the emotions you communicated were powerful and stunning, and the plot was exceptionally crafted! Great job!
Thanks so much, SilverFox! You might be in for a surprise at the direction this story will take, although the "Jigoku Shoujo" series itself is always exploring unexpected happenings with the straw doll. Do you think .45 blood alcohol content is overdoing it at all? I've questioned it, though I definitely want it to be high enough.
No problem; this chapter is awesome.
Surprising, eh? Well, I'm interesting in seeing what kind of direction the story can go. Considering the stories surrounding "Jigoku Shoujo" in the later chapters of this story, I can only imagine a surprise up ahead, that's for sure. XD
And no, .45 BAC isn't overdoing it. It isn't common to have a BAC like that, but it definitely isn't overkill. I've heard plenty of cases of people who've died from higher BAC amounts. Therefore, yes, it's certainly high enough, but you're not overdoing it.
I'm here again to review for the Gamma Police! All hail the Gamma Police! Ok and now for the review:
First off, yet gain this was a good work, but you still have a tendency to make your sentences run on a bit too long. For example 'Whenever Samuel woke up, he would have a terrible headache, and after a while, Michelle was forced to admit that he was out drinking every night.' Is too long a sentence and would be better said as ' Whenever Samuel woke up, he would have a terrible headache. After a while, Michelle was forced to admit that he was out drinking every night.'. Another example is 'She cried every night—not sure whether it was for Jason or Samuel—and though Allan tried to comfort her, he couldn’t do much because he was struggling with the same things.' is also too long and would be bettter said as 'She cried every nigh, not sure whether it was for Jason or Samuel. Though Allan tried to comfort her, he couldn’t do much because he was struggling with the same things.' Splitting up your sentences is important, and something you need to focus on. You need to help the reader in understanding what you are saying by giving him information in small pieces. Also, smaller sentences makes a story easier to read. Also, 'She wanted to beg the policeman to tell her she was only having a nightmare.' just doesn't make much sense to me, and would make more sense as 'She wanted the policeman to tell her she was only having a nightmare.'
Apart from the above, you've done an overall good job. I hope to see more from you soon! Keep writing!
-Zeus
Hi, Zeus! Thanks for all the constructive criticism! I just wanted to let you know that, in posting my Jigoku Shoujo stories, I'm posting completed works. So don't feel like I'm not listening to you when you find more overly-long sentences in future parts of the story. After I've posted the whole thing and gotten a few reviews, I'll go back and edit the whole thing, then re-post it. However, also realize that I don't agree with all your suggestions. I'm not always just bumbling when I make long sentences--some of this is part of my style. If I disagree that a sentence sounds better the way you wrote it, I'll leave it as it is--or find a way to write it that I like more. I do agree with some of your re-writes, though.