the stars are too sharp tonight
i told my parents so
they laughed and ruffled my hair
“you are silly” they stated
but the light hurt my eyes
and their smiles stitched up my own
and my eyes were wide
but i didn’t understand
*
the music is cinnamon tonight
i told my teacher so
and she tilted her head
and lifted my chin
“are you feeling alright?”
i liked the music
but the flavor was too loud
and her nails stabbed my jaw
and my eyes were wide
but i didn’t understand
*
the wind is Beethoven tonight
i told my sister so
and she looked around and asked
“where?”
i stopped and listened
but it was going too fast
and i couldn’t sing along
the notes ripped the air from my lungs
and my eyes were wide
but i didn’t understand
*
the silence is crimson tonight
i told the blank walls so
and they told me to keep listening
so i did
*
and it was beautiful.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
The thoughts were conveyed beautifully.
All the stanzas were beautifully built, but in the last stanza when you say
"i told the blank walls so
and they told me to keep listening"
it seemed to be usual, you have done well when you conveyed relating it to parents,sister,teacher but when it came to walls you lacked something.I hope you will see into that.
The poem was extremely good, totally nailed it.
The repetition was good:)
keeping writing and keep improving.
Thank you, though this poem is very old and I have since improved.
i'm sorry i did not check the date:)
Hey Minty here
repetition, because it makes the messge you are conveying much stronger.First off, I just wanted to say that I actually said "wow" after reading this poem, outloud. I stopped, took a second, then read it again. And then I though about the hundreds of different meaning that I could take from it.
Content:
I love, love, love the repetition of dialogue, (which I actually nomally hate in poems) and the
This poem flows so beautifully, and I read every single word (then again and again)
I love the contrasting of emotions in every stanza,
which almost sounds cheerful, and then comes the pain
I took from this poem a lot, and it touched me personally. Was that you objective when writing this? I hope so
Thanks for this amazing poem
Thanks for the lovely review!
I'm so glad you took a lot from this. This poem was based off of Sensory Processing Disorder, an issue that my younger brother had, when your brain misinterprets your various senses. It scrambles everything up, and I wanted to convey the confusion. Thanks again! 
Hey there! Stor here to review for Royal Navy. Okay, so this was a really good poem. But you forgot about grammar like the capital letters at the beginning of the sentence and the punctuations. Over all, this was a really good piece. I really liked the idea of the poem. It makes me feel like I am in the poem. And there was no spelling error, which is good. Sorry if my review is too short. But you get a like from me. Keep writing.
-stor
Hi Story. Thanks for the review. I actually didn't forget about grammar, I chose not to use it to get my point across. Freestyle poetry doesn't have to use grammar if the author doesn't think it is necessary. Thanks again!
Hey Griffin!
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem, it's well written and very interesting and it creates awesome pictures in the reader's mind.
Okay, so in this poem I really like your imagery. It's powerful and effective in getting the message across. It's fun to imagine all these things actually being real. I love your uniqueness in this piece, too. I'm guessing the lack of grammar is intentional, so I won't hate you for that this time. It actually added a nice effect.
Keep it up,
IAmMe
Thank you. Yes, lack of grammar was intentional, thanks for not hating me.
Hey!
I'm here to review for you.
So, let's get down to business.
What I loved about this poem was the way in which you described each event or object.
The music being cinnamon and the wind as being like Beethoven was beautiful. The whole relation to music and the senses was really wonderful and the imagery you used was great.
I also loved the repetition of the last two lines in each stanza except the last.
A few little nitpicks. Like alliyah said, if you can eliminate certain conjunctions such as so, and, it etc. do so. For example
You don't need so. Just write.
"I told the blank walls
And they told me to keep listening."
See, how by getting rid of so, it gets the point across better, because you aren't fussing about with extra, unnecessary words.
I honestly love this poem, and love the way you conveyed the message of being alone and reflection and how not everything has to be busy all the time.
Good job and please keep writing
Nargles xxx
Thanks Nargles! I will definitely look into that.
Hey Griffin! Alliyah is here to review your poem!
So, I have to say the first stanza was a little confusing, but after the 2nd and 3rd I got the concept. I like the choice to not use capital letters, and I also like how some of the sentences have strange sentence order like the title "on goes life".
On to structure and word choice:
The 3rd stanza has a few too many lines, maybe you could group "'where?'" on to the line above, I think it'd just look neater and flow better if the stanzas all were more consistent. I'm not sure the last line needs to be in a stanza of it's own, the statement is dramatic without the added emphasis. There are a few filler words that I would work to eliminate like there are a lot of "and", "but" , and "it" although some of them are going to be necessary with such a short poem you should try to see if a few more of them can be taken out. Remember poetry isn't grammar school and you've already made the stylistic choice to not capitalize, so leaving out a few conjunctions isn't going to hurt anyone's feelings.
Last nitpick: in the first stanza, I think you should change "stated" to "said", because using words other than "said" for no reason is distracting and add emphasis simply to fact that the character is saying something, which really isn't normally a good reason to add emphasis. So, unless it's being used for an extra syllable or rhyme it's a bit unnecessary.
Overall I liked the idea of the poem, it was unique and not something I'd read anything like before. My favorite line was "the notes ripped the air from my lungs"... great figurative language there.
Thanks for posting, and I look forward to reading more of your work!!
~alliyah~
Thanks for the review!
Hi! there GriffinClaw
..
On goes life reiterates the beauty of being alone because it allows us to appreciate what we have. Our personal time, as they call it, because it is often neglected. That, we seldom go with the flow, we don't stand for what we believe is right and, comes a moment when we don't understand and know ourselves anymore. We forget to believe and listen to the voice inside us-- GOD's voice. Which permits us to develop faith for ourselves that enables us to be stronger and not easily affected by the negative opinions of other's around us.
Thanks for sharing your poem..
Keep on writing