there once was a boy
and he liked the rain
he would write his best stories
to the footsteps above his head
there were many clouds in his brainstorms
thunder led to light that illuminated thoughts
there were rare droughts
and everyone enjoyed his twist on life
of a better world than what we have
*
there once was a girl
and she liked the night
she would write her best poems
by fingertips alone
feeling her heart through the dark
she would ignore earthly callings
and explore the lands unknown
the rhymes and rhythm of insomnia
she would tap out her own tune
and enlightened herself
*
but in the morning
the emotions were gone
and in the sunlight
the ideas were dry
*
where average people thrive,
in the dark and in the rain
we writers survive
creating, dreaming, and hoping
to fabricate worlds
better than our own.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
The opening line was one of those rare ones-- It was so common, so inconspicuous and so effortless that it caught my attention straight away. Kudos for that.
Your imagery was stunning, the way you described the lightning illuminating thoughts and even feeling for the thoughts though you cannot see them, reminded me of the diversity of brainstorming sessions. Some times the plot is shown to you in bright flashes of inspiration. And other times stumbling around in the darkness is the only way to find these ideas. The four liner smack dab in the middle hits you hard. In the bright light of the world, we find our ideas fruitless, our words obsolete in the wide open. We all know this feeling, writers or no. And the grand finale. Grand indeed. It was brilliant. "To fabricate worlds better than our own." Just... Just give me a minute. The awesomeness stole away my breath. All around a wonderful poem.
Now for the technical information:
The rhythm is perfect
The lack of periods in this case is fine, because it aids the flow of the words.
I do not know whether you make a habit of asterisks in between sections and plan to keep it in your final manuscript , but I would just put an extra space and remove this punctuation particle. It cuts off the sections with too much emphasis.
Finally I leave you with a question:
Does the rain and darkness represent physical, literal rain and darkness? Or rather, is it symbolic of the flawed world they live in, and thus the environment that they write in causes them to write of a perfected world, free from the rain and darkness?
Keep writing and God bless!
Thanks for the great review! I'm honored. ^-^
The asterisks are simply because the formatting on YWS is difficult, and I didn't want to mess with it too much. I didn't want all the stanzas running together though.
And it's really up to the reader on how they interpret it! I was personally writing about physical rain and darkness, because that is when I write the best, but it is also completely symbolic! Your choice. ^-^
God bless you too! Thanks again.
This is awesome! So true of us writers! What some people find normal, others can take and find inspiration and stories of great depth and feeling. Good job capturing this.
Thank you!
I....I don't even know what to say.
Uhhhhhhm. PERFECT!!!!!
I read over the title and I guessed it would be about some sort of relationship turmoil. But the first line was just so peculiar. "There once was a boy..."
It sets your whole poem up to seem like a...a fairytale story; or something along those lines. It sort of sets an imaginative atmosphere (as if I should expect this to be a fable and nothing more). But reading further, I got more interested. Your use of imagery was just superb. I applaud you for that! I love poetic prices that are full of imagery but what I like about your poem is that your style doesn't overwhelm the message of the poem itself.
Those final lines shot me dead haha!! I seriously was just looking at the poem as a story then you cleverly brought the focus back to the excitement and value of being a writer. Makes me feel pretty damn special(;
This poem was perfect! Perfect! Perfect!!!
I can see why this poem made it into the spotlight! Wonderful job, keep writing!!!
Danke! What a lovely review.
Wow! This. Was. Really. Good.
Hi there, Laughmaster here to review your poem!
So this isn't the best of starts for any poem. I thought it was quite a cliched idea. But the fact that you had a twist for it did justify your stand. Though it was a cliched idea I really love how it fits into the poem seemlessly.
The highlighted stanza was epic! Standing ovations. It was also my favorite. In particular I really love the line "to fabricate worlds better than our own" You deserve claps for that line.
I'm sorry if my review was more of fanboying than a serious critique. Sorry, but this was damn good!
Laughmaster's Rating: 9.5/10
Thank you!
Congrats on feature! I love this poem, nothing I can say except keep it up, its awesome.
Danke!
Excellent poem! Your lack of punctuation is perfect--I think punctuation would distract from the language and meaning of this poem. I only have two suggestions.
These lines just seem a little cliche. I feel like it'd be better to take them out or revise those lines. But that's just my preference, of course.
I noticed that the verb "create" is used twice in two lines. This is not horrible, but if you can think of a way to not use the words "creating" and "create" so close to each other, that might be good.
I really like this poem, with its quietly dramatic but not overly dramatic language, its metaphors, and clear imagery. Nice work!
~ jessiethought ~
Thank you jessie!
I predict this will be featured!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XD Thanks. I guess we'll see.
And don't forget to like. Increases chances. XPTrue, trueYou win. ^-^
Getting tired of strikethroughs? xPWait, was I right and this was featured???
Yeah, for like five days. XD
I KNEW IT!!!!!!
DOES PIROUETTE LIKE THINGY AND FALLS ON FACE WITH TRIUMPHANTNACE WHICH SHOULD BE A WORDI KNEW IT!!!!!!
DOES PIROUETTE LIKE THINGY AND FALLS ON FACE WITH TRIUMPHANTNACE WHICH SHOULD BE A WORDI KNEW IT!!!!!!
DOES PIROUETTE LIKE THINGY AND FALLS ON FACE WITH TRIUMPHANTNACE WHICH SHOULD BE A WORDI KNEW IT!!!!!!
DOES PIROUETTE LIKE THINGY AND FALLS ON FACE WITH TRIUMPHANTNACE WHICH SHOULD BE A WORDI KNEW IT!!!!!!
DOES PIROUETTE LIKE THINGY AND FALLS ON FACE WITH TRIUMPHANTNACE WHICH SHOULD BE A WORDI KNEW IT!!!!!!
DOES PIROUETTE LIKE THINGY AND FALLS ON FACE WITH TRIUMPHANTNACE WHICH SHOULD BE A WORDI KNEW IT!!!!!!
DOES PIROUETTE LIKE THINGY AND FALLS ON FACE WITH TRIUMPHANTNACE WHICH SHOULD BE A WORDOuch, my notifications. XD
Ouch, glitch -_- Why on Earth did it do that XP?