sharp pain in my heart
(it’s so red...)
wakes me up in this
cage bed
i stare at ceiling
(sky gray)
wonder if i am...
“oh, ‘kay.”
.
then i stop
and my stomach drops
and i finally realize
that it’s no surprise
that none of this is
real at all.
.
scalpels and knives are
raised high
i wish tears would come so
i could cry
this banner of mine isn’t yours
to hold
and i can feel my chest starting to
unfold...
.
i feel the colors pulse
and my heart convulse
when i ultimately hear
just what i feared:
the music finally just
went and died.
.
i mull it over in this
cell head
in this mind that feels as if it’s
made of lead
thoughts that flutter like
butterfly wings
and eyes that see such
beautiful, terrible things.
.
i stand upon an island of trash
(treasures that do sparkle and flash)
and i just don’t know
quite what’s for show
when all i’ve ever known is
fake...
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141,265 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Great job!
This was very inciteful, and I love the interesting way that you put it together.
"i stand upon an island of trash
(treasures that do sparkle and flash)
and i just don’t know
quite what’s for show
when all i’ve ever known is
fake..."
I have to say that you've hit the bulls eye on this one, sad to say.To bad it's the world we live in, but then, what would we have to write about?
I don't have much criticism for you, though I haven't had much for the last twenty reviews, so I guess you get off easy this time.
In any case, like I said, I like that you put it together the way you did, with the broken thoughts and seemingly unattached meanings that almost don't flow, but make enough sense to tie it all together. Very good piece of work!
Thank you GriffinClaw!
Thanks again!
*tips hat* Hey there, Griff. Subtle here for a review!
Having read some of your other works, I'm not surprised that this one conveyed a pretty deep and realistic message of this feeling of carelessness, of like giving up everything and just let it all go, and see wherever it takes you because the person simply don't care anymore. And hence the last word...
However, one thing that really baffled me was your not capitalized 'i's, I know from your past poems that you're almost flawless at grammar, so I don't believe you would make a mistake as simple as this. So now, I will assume that is intentional but the thing is I don't know if it actually works that well. It kinda put me off a little bit, no offence.
Now, onto the flow and the rhythm. I love the flow of this poem, is beautiful and especially all those crossed-out words. They are one of my favourite formats because it seems much much more realistic that one. Saying something but cross it out because you don't want them to be seen. And as I have said before, I love this poem because is different, is unique.
So, great work and keep on writing!
-S.s
Thanks Subtle! Like I said before, I know my grammar well XD and I didn't capitalize anything because I felt it added to the feeling of the person not caring anymore. Do you feel I should change it?
Thanks again!
Go with what you feel is right, Griff. I can't tell you anything because I didn't write this poem.
Okay...well now I feel self-conscious. XD
Hey there, rhiasofia here to review.
I'm going to start with my one nitpick. You've got to capitalize I's in poetry. I'm all about leaving out capitalization intentionally, but not with the I's.
All of the rest, I loved. It is very original, very different from most of what is read here. I lovedthe concept of the scratched out words, it made it feel very personal, and added to the originality. It had a very nice beat to it, and it all flowed very fluidly.
i stand upon an island of trash
(treasures that do sparkle and flash)
I really like this bit, the way you compared trash to treasures.
All of it has really great, very vivid imagery. All in all, I really liked this piece. Keep it up!
Thank you! I know my grammar, but I do not have to capitalize the I's if I don;t want to. I thought it added more character (like the person doesn't care) , and it looked strange to have capitalized I's when everything else wasn't.
Thanks again!
~GC