A/N: I plan to propose to my partner with this poem, and I want it absolutely perfect, so PLEASE tear this apart and help me make it better <3 This is a very early draft and I'm very open to suggestions ^^
A few relevant things:
1) "mi corazon y mi alma" is Spanish for "my heart and my soul" and is one of the things my partner says to me often.
2) "et l'amour de ma vie" is French for "and the love of my life" and is the language I'm learning and say back to her
3) there's a trope in queer relationships where the "scary black cat girlfriend" ends up with the "golden retriever masc" and absolutely sums our relationship up lol
4) "the koala to my Pikachu" is an inside joke between us and has too many layers of lore to explain here but basically means cuddly/lovey
5) "babre" is a pet name I use for her, not a typo (her name is Bre so it's a mix between "babe" and "Bre" ... Babre lol)
6) "for all eternity" verbatim needs to be in this poem somewhere, but if you're not vibing with it where it is, I'm more than open to suggestions on where to make it flow better!
7) my current plan is to print this on a canvas and have her read it and try to time it so that I'm on one knee when she gets to the last line. I'm not super thrilled with the current design, however, and am also open to stylistic suggestions on how to make it look more visually appealing ^^
~
text of the poem:
mi corazón y mi alma,
et l’amour de ma vie,
my heart beats only for you.
my empress, my queen, and every beautiful thing that is above.
you are the black cat to my golden retriever,
the koala to my pikachu,
and i would be lost without you.
you’re the one who heals the broken parts of me,
and turns my rainbow-tinted tears into a beautiful collage of
all the pieces i tried to snip away before i met you.
you turned my heart into an ocean and filled it
with the depth of love i only saw in fairytales
before you came along to complete my soul.
i love you more than fish love water
and more than crows love the sky.
your eyes hold my future,
my every hope and my dreams;
and in your love i find my home.
my one and only, my babre.
you make me want to get on one knee,
and swear to the goddesses and spirits above,
that i will always find you; in every lifetime and in every way.
as long as there’s stardust in the universe that
once held the shape of me, i will always search for the form of you.
and i will love you -- for all eternity.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
I never got around to writing a review for this but I reallllly like the edits you've made and I love the sentiment behind this. I am so happy for you and your partner <3
Hello, Hello First off can I just say this is the sweetest thing I've seen today? I can see the thought you put into and I enjoy the little nods you put in I wish you all the luck I hope they say yes.
Just to start since this a big moment perhaps you should capitalize the I's I do understand if it was done for style. After that, I only have a few small nitpicks that you could ignore. Perhaps you could add" my heart beats for you" after the "My Empress my Queen" line. I feel that might flow a little better. Lastly, when I see crows I think of their habit of finding shiny things not really the sky, I feel maybe you could add something about a ring. To both add a bit of foreshadowing and tie it in thematically.
Regardless this is so sweet and reminds me of my partner, I will wish you all the luck for a second time.
keep up the writing and an early congratulations.
Thanks so much for the feedback! I LOVE the idea of adding in something about crows loving shiny things rather than the sky, you're so right that would be nice foreshadowing and more applicable. I'll definitely play around with that! Thanks again for the feedback, it was super helpful and I appreciate the kind words!
No problem thank you for such a kind response.
Hi there Shady! This is Orabella (accompanied with some bunnies) to give you a review! ^^
This is absolutly the sweetest thing I think I've ever read. Correction: this is the sweetest thing I've ever read! I love the idea of a poem to propose to someone; I've actually never thought or heard of that before! Especially when it's so personally tied to the person you'd like to marry (like this is), it makes it even more spectacular and absolutly heartwarmingly beautiful!
On to the review!
I love the use of other languages here, especially since they have a deeper meaning between you and your partner! The amount of shared memories and thoughts in this poem is amazing, and I'm sure she'll love those aspects! The last line in this section, too, is beautiful, and is a sweet message to tell your partner. It's a very creative way to say "I love you," and I think it's great.
I'm not sure if this was intentional, but there's a small rhyming scheme in this stanza. It's really suttle, although I think it still helps the flow. (Queen and thing; pikachu and you) I also love the addition of the little inside jokes; again it makes it more personal and thoughtful. I actually didn't know about that trope, so that was interesting to learn! Now I'll forever be wondering what koala to my pikachu means, and I'm suddenly tempted to ask for all the lore behind it XD It sounds really cute though, and it fits so perfectly in the stanza.
This is definitely one of my favorite stanzas. I love the imagery that comes from these lines, and you somehow managed to fit so much meaning into so few words. The fact that you paint her as a kind of rescuer is lovely, and it just makes it seem all the more better and that you really want her in your life. It's always nice to feel wanted, and I'd assumed she'd very much appreciate that.
Hmm... fish... I wonder if that holds any secret significance?
I do agree with Snoink that you should be careful with the way you word some of those lines - you definitely want her to have a choice and not feel like she's forced to say yes, although I don't think it's necessary to delete them. I can't say how they should be worded (frankly because I don't know), but just be aware of that fact if you choose to go back and edit. Although in the moment she may not think of it that way, so it's hard to say. Just be aware, is what I'd say.
Okay but this is one of my absolute favorite lines of the poem. I love the sweet nickname, and comparing her to home and love is just so incredible and... I really can't find any words to describe how sweet it is.
Oh wait you said you were going to try to time it? This is the stanza you get on your knee, isn't it? Aww I love that so much! And again, the imagery and description is amazing here. I especially like the stardust and how even in your most simplest form, you'd still be looking for her, and in any other place in any other way.
What a fitting last line! I'm not even the one getting proposed to, and I can feel how amazing that last line is going to be!
Overall, since I know you really wanted suggestions to make it as good as it can be, I'd say making the lines flow a little more could help. Sometimes sentences continue to the next line, and that's personally something that throws me off, although I'm pretty sure that's just my own style choice. This isn't anything major, I just wanted to tell you in case that kind of flow is really important to you.
This whole thing is so sweet I feel like my heart's going to explode and I don't even know either of you in real life! Not something you can do easily with only a few words on a page.
And sorry also about being a tad late! I didn't manage my time very well today. XD But I'm so glad I came over to review this. Absolutely the highlight of my day. If there's something you'd like me to take a closer look at, or if you revise and you'd like to know if it's better, please let me know! I did rush through this a bit, although hopefully I could be of some help.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, and good luck with your proposal! Wishing the best for you and your partner.
Have an amazing day/night, and keep writing! ^^
Aww thanks so much for the lovely review Orabella (and bunnies!) -- it made me smile and was very helpful!
hahaha I tend to over-explain and didn't want to ramble too much in the A/N, but I'm happy to share the lore
So, the first layer to it is generally when we cuddle I am the "big spoon"/cuddler and she's the "little spoon"/cuddle-e. Part of the reason for that is that I'm about 6 inches taller than her with a bigger frame. Sometimes I like being the little spoon and it's almost comical how she just kinda clings to my back to cuddle me. One time I made the joke that she was like my little koala clinging to me like her tree, and it kinda stuck. So now her name in my phone has a little koala emoji and any time she cuddles me she goes "KOALA!" and it's very wholesome lol
The second layer to it is she's OBSESSED with Pokemon and a few months ago we saw a sleepy Pikachu plushie that's pretty big. I have to get up substantially earlier than she does because I work 7-3:30 and she works 10-6, so when I get up in the mornings I'll spritz Pikachu with my cologne then give it to her and still mostly asleep she'll cling to it and be all happy and cute.
So I decided to mix those two things -- her sleepily koala-clinging to both me and Pikachu.
ahaha it's actually kind of related to this, too
She'll go "I love you more than I love Pokemon" and I'll go "I love you more than I love batfish" but I couldn't figure out how to make "batfish" flow in this poem hahaha
I added some context in a reply to Snoink's review, but your/alliyah/Snoink's comments gave me a helpful different perspective and I do plan to go back and edit ^^
awww thank you so much this means so much <3333
Not at all!!!! You got here super quick and I very much appreciate all the help and the kind words. This made me smile so much to read and I really and truly appreciate it <33333
Aww, I love the lore behind everything! It's just too sweet! Thanks for explaining it.
And ahh, that makes sense. I guess we just like to over-worry, but looks like you're good!
I'm glad I could help! Thank you for being so kind in all our interactions. Reading this poem and talking with you made my day better. <33333
Shady this is so sweet, what a beautiful heart-felt poem to propose with! Having used a mini-poem to propose to my person, I especially find this heart-warming. (I found a typewriter to type up my proposal as a little keepsake for him. :] and I def love your idea you have of printing on a canvas so that your partner can keep it!)
I think the little inside references make this super duper sweet - because it's like a secret between the two of you, like little pet names and jokes and such. I agree with Snoink's little critique that those lines about losing them sounded a tad heavy?
This little chunk was my ultimate favorite:
I would maybe remove "the" before water and add a period at the end of "dreams" but the sentiments here are so so sweet. I think you hit a good length with this too - where hopefully they'll be able to read it quite quickly without there being a long awk pause.
As far as formatting - I would would suggest maybe seeing what it looks like with all the stanzas aligned left or centered? The going back and forth makes a real challenge for making things look even. You might try to make it a bit like this:
XXXX___________
_____XXXX______
><><><___XXXX
_____XXXX______
XXXX___________
Where the XXX are poetry stanzas, and the <>< fish, and the ___ space. You could play around a bit with having the page more rectangular than square too? Don't know!
Here's an idea because it's kind of hard to explain ...
(just quickly made in canva)
Really totally up to the aesthetic you're going for, just offering another idea there! I'm sure as you play around with where the words go you'll find just the write format for you!
Best of luck Shady! How exciting!
alliyah
Ooh an alliyah poetry review -- thank you!! I absolutely ADORE that design, thank you so much for the ideas! And thank you for the feedback and well wishes c:
I replied to Snoink's review with a bit more context about those lines, but ultimately I have reconsidered them and plan on editing. I appreciate the perspective and help!
also thank you so much for the Canva suggestion! I was using Adobe Spark which is my usual tool, but was struggling to come up with something as whimsical as this. Canva is getting me much closer to what I had in mind. Do you think this design is better than the draft you reviewed in terms of aesthetics? I also made the changes you suggested to the poem and I think it's better now
That little koala is sooo cute omgsh. No problem on the canva suggestion - I personally think what you've got now looks very balanced /clean! while still having those sentimental personal touches. I'm a fan of both the formatting & wording tweaks!
Hi!
A quick suggestion...
What if you delete these lines?
When you're making a marriage proposal, there is a chance that the person is going to say no. And, if that happens, you have to let them go. So, in giving them a marriage proposal, you need to give them a fair chance to say no, which would naturally end in you losing them... or for you waiting for them if they say they need more time, which occasionally happens.
By saying so decisively "if my journey on this path leads to losing you, then this path is not my path" it almost makes it seem like you're removing that chance of saying no, which is not very good. It seems overly aggressive and not very romantic. Always give an out! That way, the yes is that much more sweeter.
Valid point, thank you for the perspective! At this point, the proposal is more of a formality than anything. We picked out rings together and refer to each other as our "fiancee" already, have a vague plan for the wedding, reading marriage preparation books together, etc. we've just been waiting until we can afford the rings to "make it official"
buuuuut I definitely see how lacking that context this seems weird and controlling and I have reconsidered these lines. So, thank you for that perspective I hadn't considered <3
This is so adorable!!
First off, I love the idea of proposing with a poem. It's so romantic, especially if you're really into literature.
Second, it made me realize how lonely I am which is what all good romantic literature does to me. (It might not be a good thing to others, but it's really good in my opinion.)
Third, I LOVE how you incorporated all the different sayings and things into the poem that you're proposing to her with; it's sooooo cute! The inside jokes, the pet names, all the little details like these.
I love the part about how she turns your tears into something beautiful, and how filled you with the depth of love that you thought only existed in fairy tales. That whole stanza really hit me with how sweet this poem is!
I love the metaphor with the fish. I also like how you put the fish in the design. The design is really cute and it suits the poem. I really love the fonts since I'm a really big font nerd. I love it!
The title is also really cute. It caught my eye really quickly, and the whole poem was very intriguing.
My only suggestions would be just fixing grammatical issues. Capitalizing the beginning of each line, capitalizing the 'I's, just small things like that to make it more impressive to her. You seem to have put a lot of time and effort into this! As for the design, I would personally add a few more hearts around it randomly where they might fit. It might make it a bit cuter or more visually pleasing to her. Either way, it's a good poem, and it's really cute!!
Good luck; you're doing great!
Have an amazing day/night!
Ah, this is great!
I mean, I'm a single lass, so I'm not good at judging romance but I want to try and help lol.
I feel like all the personal notes, like the inside jokes, are perfect for a proposal poem! I can really see the love you're expressing for your partner in these lines, and honestly, I wouldn't recommend changing a thing in that regard ~
Putting on my reviewer cap though, I could recommend -if your plan is to have her read this- just touching up on a few grammatical details, like capitalizing the Is and new lines.
As far as style, it's not bad at all! It's also hard to critique things like that because it can quickly become personal and subjective. All I could recommend, advice free to take or leave, is symbolism to spice things up. For example, the background color; blue traditionally symbolizes integrity and calmness, and in a lot of European traditions, it's a color representing royalty. So it works great for your queen ~ Red (or purple) symbolizes passion, pink romance, orange warmth, and yellow cheer and sunniness. Perhaps you find one of those fits her or your relationship. The same goes for flowers; roses are a classic (or a cliche) for romance, but there's a whole language of flower symbolism that could amp up a love poem, like white carnation for feminine love and baby's breath for everlasting love (tulips and camellias have especially fiery meanings lol). But of course, if your partner doesn't like a certain color or doesn't like flowers, that becomes redundant.
My point being, as far as that matter goes, do what you feel is best and most appropriate. Make it traditional or totally your own ~
Overall, you wrote an incredible poem and I hope all goes well with you and your partner. Nicely done!
Ooh that%u2019s a really good idea! I didn%u2019t think of looking up symbolism at all, I%u2019ll definitely play around with that more I love that idea! And thank you so much for the review and kind words
it made me smile to read this and was very helpful!
No problem, glad I could help!!
Do you think this design is better? I though about it a bit more and remembered her favorite color is green, so our bed sheets and curtains in the bedroom are green and if she wanted to hang this up in our room it would coordinate best if it was green so I chose a similar tint to the sheets. Also Google says it can represent "new beginnings and hope" which seems applicable to taking the next step in our relationship haha
And then I also started thinking about it and her favorite flower is forget me nots and my favorite animal are fishies so figured this would pull both of those aspects in without overcrowding it like the last draft.
Still playing around with capitalization and such, but is it more aesthetically appealing now do you think? Or was it better before?
That looks incredible!! That's a very nice shade of green, and the symbolism is adorable! Nice work!
*on another note, I remember that forget-me-nots represent memories of true love. With green representing new beginnings, there's a sort of past-future dichotomy going on there. That's really cool ~