The way you express this is perfect in so many ways. I love especially the part about the small closet, that’s a really excellent touch. I also like the font change.
The way you express this is perfect in so many ways. I love especially the part about the small closet, that’s a really excellent touch. I also like the font change.
Hi hi again Shady!
(apologies in advance but you published this on April 1st and I forgot to write a review yesterday so I think it's fair game to write a review for you in this horrendous yellow colour today)
I don't know what it is about your poems but whenever I spy one lurking in the publishing centre I always feel the sTROnGEST urge to review it, and when I'm done reviewing it, I always feel super hyped to write some snazzy poetry. Your poetry do be magical c: (side effect of this being that as long as you keep writing magical poetry you'll be plagued by whatcha reviews so hopefully you like whatcha reviews xD)
Okay, so first off, something I noticed as I was reading at the start (and which stygian commented on) is that yellow background and white text is kinda hard to read. ironic coming from an unnecessarily pale yellow review but ya know, what can I say.
It's not a huge deal, but when I was reading this last night it took me a fair amount of thinking to figure out if the first line ended in "bracelets" or "brackets". I know in your other poem you mentioned using black text for the narrator since it was more legible, and I think that actually might be a good choice here, as well?
I did think it was cute how in describing the bracelets you have "rainbow" spelled in rainbow colours, and "one like me" in bi flag colours <3 Also love how the rainbow kind of looks like it's radiating outwards, from light to dark - I think that reflects the poem as it progresses really well.
I REALLY like how you kept the metaphor of wearing accessories and clothing throughout - and it's a fitting (pun somewhat intended) metaphor for this theme, I think! Also how the narrator refers to herself as "her" and "she" in parts of the poem -> it creates a sense of distance and removal from the situation that is really sad but effective, like the narrator is trying to view this part of their identity as separate from who they are.
^first of all, those are such heartbreaking lines ;-; but I really like the repetition-esque thing with "roam" and "room", if that's what you'd call it. It flows super nicely when spoken aloud!and let her roam where it's safe: / alone in my room where no one can hurt us.
^I don't know if this was intended, but "straight back" is a tad punny here c:then step out of my room... / and straight back into my closet
^I'm not sure exactly what, but something about this line doesn't feel like it fits to me. I think it's because this make me think of like chopping down a tree, and that just doesn't match the surrounding imagery at all? I feel like something more along the lines clothing imagery (like "i try to stuff her into a shoe box, hidden in colourless tissues" or ish-that) would fit the overall poem slightly better here.so i simply must try to cut her down
^Hmm I feel iffy about the way "ACCEPTABLE" is formatted here -> it makes the word stand out (so to me, implies the narrator is standing out) which I believe is the opposite of what is desired. But that's mostly just a taste thing, so totally up to you!to be ACCEPTABLE as i face another day.
(apologies in advance but you published this on April 1st and I forgot to write a review yesterday so I think it's fair game to write a review for you in this horrendous yellow colour today)
I don't know what it is about your poems but whenever I spy one lurking in the publishing centre I always feel the sTROnGEST urge to review it, and when I'm done reviewing it, I always feel super hyped to write some snazzy poetry. Your poetry do be magical c: (side effect of this being that as long as you keep writing magical poetry you'll be plagued by whatcha reviews so hopefully you like whatcha reviews xD)
"one like me" in bi flag colours <3
^I don't know if this was intended, but "straight back" is a tad punny here c:
^I'm not sure exactly what, but something about this line doesn't feel like it fits to me. I think it's because this make me think of like chopping down a tree, and that just doesn't match the surrounding imagery at all? I feel like something more along the lines clothing imagery (like "i try to stuff her into a shoe box, hidden in colourless tissues" or ish-that) would fit the overall poem slightly better here.
^Hmm I feel iffy about the way "ACCEPTABLE" is formatted here -> it makes the word stand out (so to me, implies the narrator is standing out) which I believe is the opposite of what is desired. But that's mostly just a taste thing, so totally up to you!
Overall though, this was another wonderful ShadyVyper poem which I really enjoyed reading <3 you make angst of all varieties seem so poetic and elegant : )
asdfjaksdhf AWWW no U :')That is the SWEETEST thing and adhklga THANK YOU, I always get such a surge of dopamine when I get a notif that you left me a review you're the absolute bestest <3333
Ohh that makes a lot of sense, I like that interpretation way more! Expanding on that idea would definitely be lovely <3I think I was thinking more like, whittling -- where you cut away bits and pieces of the wood to make it into what you want it to be, even though that's not the way it started initially and probably not what the /wood/ would have preferred, you know?
Ah yeah a basiccc san-serif font like Calibri or Arial would definitely match the message better I think!Do you think it would look better if I just chose a basiccc font like Calibri or something? Or just leave it all in the same font?
<33333I've found poetry helps me process my emotions because they have to be distilled from "AHHHHHHHH!" into words and imagery lol so I'm glad to know the final product is enjoyable c:
Ahaha I'd never doubt you Shady c:also to be clear I wrote this yesterday, I didn't cheat, I just got the angst/inspo to write this on Wednesday and then wrote it yesterday so it counts for NaPo
Ohhhhh nice
I love spring, it always brings an array of really colourful poems ^^
For the background and font:
It's really really gorgeous ! I'm not sure if you made the background with some app, or if you found it online, but it's just impressive ! It feels like we're inside of a rainbow. And that in there, we see its heart, this poem. And white is a good choice as it really contrasts with almost every colour. Notice the "almost". It was kinda hard to make out the words for the lighter tones, especially yellow. But it is minor and you just need to squint for a little moment to make out the words.
Some words were squashed, some were widened, some changed colour every word, some changed colour at every letter- and it's all really beautiful and were never distracting, just impactful.
For the contents of the poem:
although the background is light-hearted and colourful, the heart of the poem is pretty bleak. I didn't really notice a rhyming scheme, which isn't problematic, it simply means your poem is free style; and some of the imagery you used was really powerful. Definitely the first few lines and last few lines were those that stuck with me.
I hope you don't actually feel that way, no one should feel forced to lock themselves away. But you know, your clothes don't need to reflect your personality, even while wearing the blackest hoodie out there, you can still let your personality shine through <333
Have a great day/ night !
I'm not sure if you made the background with some app, or if you found it online, but it's just impressive !
I hope you don't actually feel that way, no one should feel forced to lock themselves away.
120,215 Literary Works • 649,133 Reviews
Points: 303
Reviews: 48
Donate