Young Writers Society

Heya Shady! Incoming review!

I recently read and reviewed your other sequel poem about Kylia. I saw this in the green room and thought I'd read and review the source material. With that said, let's get on with the review!

I'll start with critique. Uhm, well turns out I don't really have any! I guess I'll move right on to praise xD

First off, I love your choice of vocabulary. I thought I had an extended arsenal of words, but I picked up some new ones like "mete", "ignoble", and "cretin". The word choice makes the poem come to life. I don't know the extent of Kylia's character as you would, but it makes me think in this world people are well educated, or at least Kylia is. She's refined, yet broken. She's willing to make her suffering as lavish as possible in order to romanticize it and numb the bitter pain.

two-faced serpents fallen from grace;
wanton in their depravity and willing to
betray their own father for a moment's rest.

too stupid to roam the hillside free

Hi there Shady! Lim here with a review – in rhyming verse.

I. Interpretation

I thought the speaker came from times long gone,
“unto the saints” is language that seems old.
The background is the opposite of dawn,
a dark and grainy texture: jaded, cold.

The themes perceived: injustice and one’s rage,
though left unsure: the story told elsewhere.
I could not see the details on the page,
of hints and references I’ve had my share.

II. Structure

How strong the speaker’s voice, consistent, paced!
I thought they came from noble blood or wealth.
Their words were weighted: “craven” and “grace”;
their story though is yet well-clothed in stealth.

I assume the serpents are conceit:
the stanza after them does speak of sin.
The “birds” and “hares” fly fast, escape my wit,
for me the link between seems to grow thin.

Who features in the stanzas three and four?
The lines tell only what the creatures suffer.
Are they the speaker? Someone they abhor?
I think for these my mind could use a buffer.

III. Punctuation

I noticed semi-colons only late
and am unsure if they need to be there.
The hiding hares and burrows do relate
in structure as in topic. (Why not a comma fair?)

IV. Rhythm

The rhythm of your verse at large is fine,
and I adore the little hints of rhyme:
how scared the hares, the “too . . . free” line,
some assonance to mark the reading time.

I wonder if Kylia’s world would use
a metered or unmetered verse as norm?
Perhaps a setting thing to introduce
and see if Kylia’s person would conform.

V. Conclusion

Obscure the tale may be, this piece draws me
into the brooding mood the speaker bears.
How fascinating would it be to see
the figures they describe in all their flairs?

~
Well, Shady, I hope this feedback makes sense! I did my best to convey all I wanted to say in verse, though feel free to ask me about any one of these lines (or for more feedback on something specific). I realized reading your replies to another reviewer that I didn’t quite catch all those aspects about Kylia’s backstory, especially about her being a slave. (But was she a noble or something before being enslaved?) But maybe that’s helpful data here. Hopefully the comments are interesting to you and give you some ideas for your character-poems. Happy NaPo!
-Lim

I don’t know what story this is from,but I decided to read this poem,because why not? I think that Kylia might be in a world that has a strict system on society and she is choosing to survive or maybe it’s the opposite? I think she wants to survive.I hope that you have an awesome and cool day and night.