A/N: This was a poem I had to write for my creative writing class. Everything beyond the first two stanzas are purely fictional. My teacher enjoyed it and I thought I may as well share it here.
A child’s heart beating within,
A buried tenderness, hurt she hid—
The girl’s a woman now,
His affection she wants to win.
Creek—mud, fish, fins,
She grew slow, along the banks,
No need to rush a budding weed,
Nothing to lose, so much to win.
Red mustang, green eyes, and sin
Called louder than church bells
Sunday as she rode shotgun:
No one thought she could win.
Slick ice, sharp turn, bent tin,
Dreams can’t cushion bone;
and trees don’t move for love—
She wants him to win.
They notify the next of kin,
His mom, bitter eyes, harsh words,
Fingers point to fault lines in flesh
When they realized he didn’t win.
Brother comes, identical twin;
Same face, different man—
Preacher boy, he doesn’t blame,
Says it’s not too late to win.
Black suits, red eyes, brown coffin,
She stands and glares, at God
in this man. He says there’s still
Hope; a chance to win.
Razor, cut flesh, marred skin
Trails of heartbreak dance
like a map of memories etched
so close that the pain cannot win.
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139,757 Literary Works • 672,709 Reviews
Great flow for this poem, and a bit of drama and pain there at the end / but with that sliver of hope! More poetry please!
This poem really had me going at the start then i got confused halfway through it trying to figure what she would win.
This stanza is really confusing it talks about a man in a car crash but the stanza before it spoke of just her in the car.
"Slick ice, sharp turn, bent tin,
Dreams can’t cushion bone;
and trees don’t move for love—
She wants him to win."
The seventh stanza is my favorite
"Black suits, red eyes, brown coffin,
She stands and glares, at God
in this man. He says there’s still
Hope; a chance to win."
Even tho she knew he was no more she had hope that his affection she could still win, this should have been the last stanza.
This poem is sort of confusing to me I had a hard time figuring out what was happening. The format makes it a little easier though but I especially was wondering what was happening in stanza two and three. The questions I asked myself were, "What is she trying to win?" Anyway I think you can do better keep at it and try not to take my criticism the wrong way.
This is a really deep poem. You did a really great job at it. I really like the descriptive language used in this poem. The last stanza is my favorite. It's so deep, I really enjoy it. You are a talented writer!
This is a really deep poem. You did a really great job at it. I really like the descriptive language used in this poem. The last stanza is my favorite. It's so deep, I really enjoy it. You are a talented writer!
Thanks!