Wild Ride

I feel like this stanza, the second one

What will happen,
Is happening, is done.
It was a day of laughter,
But now the joy is all gone.

Are tumbling down the knoll.

You finally slide to a stop,
Unable to breathe. Time stands still,
As the four wheeler continues to roll,
And you see him lying limply on the hill.

Ooo, the rhyme scheme is exquisite. I very much enjoyed your poem here. Your punctuation is on point, the use of the imaginary and lyrical flow. Also there are no forced rhymes here, which I like. I guess this could be a true story if there was a way I could relate. Of course, I can't but that doesn't mean it wasn't a true story. I really want to encourage you to keep up the great poetry work!! I give you a 9 1/2 out of 10.

Hey, shadow! I will focus on flow in the following review. Remember my reviews are very bias with what I generally like in context of a reader. Poetry is mostly theory anyways: there are no true facts. With that said take this review lightly

"An urgent warning,
A streak of blue.
Flat on your back,
You haven't a clue
"
Defiantly flows, but it seems to fast and doesn't allow for too much original thought. Although, others may argue it is just enough as I am usually critosized for my bias toward "enjambment." I still can't quite connect the imagery to the story 'til I read the whole thing. This is most obviously on purpose though.

"What will happen,
Is happening, is done.
It was a day of laughter,
But now the joy is all gone. "

You slowly go away from your original rhythm; this is something I do ALL the time. It is really okay to me, you added a short stop but I continue on reading and it feels fine to the ears and that's all that matters to the general reader.

"Without your help,
Outside your control,
Your body and father,
Are tumbling down the knoll. "

This is not too good. The last line throws the whole stanza, in my mind. It is only 7 syllables but most of them are stressed in the wrong way that it takes to long to read. Also, Knoll would suggest it is a small hole, but if you where to exaggerate it; it might allow for a more emotional touch.

"You finally slide to a stop,
Unable to breathe. Time stands still,
As the four wheeler continues to roll,
And you see him lying limply on the hill. "

Right here is where you completely changed from simple lines to two statements to one line with a pause. "Unable to breathe. Time stands still, " would be fine in other poems but not in this context to me. You changed from two statements and it almost registers as two lines or quickly said lines; which is not in uniform with the poem.
"As the four wheeler continues to roll,
And you see him lying limply on the hill."
See this is too big of a difference to me from simple to long lines with alot of things said.


"
Your body don't hurt,
But your mind won't work.
Scenes flash before your eyes,
'Cause your brain is a jerk.

You wish you were stronger,
You wish you weren't here.
You don't know that he'll live,
And you're clear filled with fear.
-
As my Daddy recovers,
My adrenaline won't stay;
My body starts to ache,
And I wonder if I'm really okay.
"

The rest goes back to uniform with the regular poem again.
"And you're clear filled with fear. "
That is only a little weird to me, seems like you can take one or two syllables out and be fine. and the rest seem okay.

Anyways thanks! Sorry if this is badly written!

Sorry! I really wanted to give it a review but I have to go to work in like ten minutes. I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed reading it. Yes, it does need some work but overall it was pretty decent. Hopefully I'll get the chance to take a proper look later on this evening and expand! ^^,

Hi ShadowVyper, CM here with a quick review.

Firstly, I'll point out the positives. I'm going to give you a 9/10 for both imaginary work and lyrical flow. Beautifully done (like most of your works, hence the reason I'm a fan) and flowing perfectly. What really hit home for me was the last stanza which I thought was brilliant, a fantastic finish to a fantastic poem.

Secondly, the few mistakes.

And you're clear filled with fear. (Clearly I think,) ok, I've changed my mind, I'll do a stanza review too.

An urgent warning,
A streak of blue.
Flat on your back,
You haven't a clue

Very nice, it brings me into the scene, thanks to your imaginary. Full stop though? (On the end of 'clue')

What will happen,
Is happening, is done.
It was a day of laughter,
But now the joy is all gone.

I've got to be honest with you, I didn't like this stanza as much as the others. The last line 'But now the joy is all gone' just seems a bit misplaced and 'gone' doesn't flow well with 'done'. Otherwise it was good.

Without your help,
Outside your control,
Your body and father,
Are tumbling down the knoll.

This brings it back in fill swing, really nice and it flows well. Not sure about 'knoll' though.

You finally slide to a stop,
Unable to breathe. Time stands still,
As the four wheeler continues to roll,
And you see him lying limply on the hill.

My only problem with this was that I couldn't place who 'he' was. Otherwise, great stanza.

Your body don't hurt,
But your mind won't work.
Scenes flash before your eyes,
'Cause your brain is a jerk.

Brilliant, I loved this stanza. Seriously, one of my favorites. I love: 'Cause your brain is a jerk.

You wish you were stronger,
You wish you weren't here.
You don't know that he'll live,
And you're clear filled with fear.

I think I mentioned this earlier, 'clear' needs to be 'clearly'
-
As my Daddy recovers,
My adrenaline won't stay;
My body starts to ache,
And I wonder if I'm really okay.

Wow, that paragraph really brought it home. Over all, for the whole poem I'm going to give it a 9/10. The imaginary was vivid and enthralling and whatever mistakes you made, there where few.

CM

Hey Vypy! I'm going to do a quick stanza by stanza review. I'll mostly just focus on structure, word usage, and what not, instead of bothering with themes. Judging a poem by it's themes can be touchy, because some poems are pretty personal. I'll just state how I feel about the poem so that you can be sure you're getting your message across.

Good first stanza, you have the reader asking questions. It gets us curious and pushes us into the poem.

I love the bit of philosophy you insert in the second stanza, it's beautifully worded.

In the third stanza, the visual of the last line feels pretty off. Knoll sort of came out of no where. You should try to find a different image to express the concept of this stanza in my opinion.

The imagery in stanza four feels a lot more literal, and I like that. The only thing that felt off was, for a second I wondered who 'him' was. You might want to be more specific. This is second person narration, so I'm assuming it's the father.

Number five is very lyrical. It kind of reads like a country song. The last stanza felt weak to me. I like the message, but I don't care much for the delivery.

Stanza six is my favorite. It has a lot of feeling to it. The only thing I noticed is 'clear' should be 'clearly'.

Nice conclusion! The fifth stanza had just as much emotion as the sixth. Try to pack that much feeling into the rest of it.

Good work, Shadow! This poem was well written. Keep up the good work, and keep writing.

Hey, Shady. Noir here, and I'll be your reviewer today. Let's rock.

Concept: First, I know what this is talking about. A four wheeler wreck is never fun, and I'm sure it was terrifying. You can feel the emotion being pushed in this. 9/10

Grammar: In the 4th stanze, you put "hard to breath." It's breathe. Other than that, it seems to be fine. 8/10

Rhythm: The rhythm is catchy and the beat is good. It seems to waver a bit in stanza length, but nothing to fret about. 9/10

Overall: Good. I like the emotion wrought in it, rhythm can be all over the place but it's still good, and only a mistake or two.

I liked it. This gets my rating of: 9/10.

This has been Noir Lumiere, and there's your review. Good night, and keep rocking.