Aaaah Shady <3
(swearing)
Spoiler! :
Okay, that said, after reading this work I really really wanted to leave a review for you, so this is that!
>> One thing that struck me as I was reading this is that for the most part, the language here is quite literal. The only kind of metaphorical imagery that I see is the "lines in the sand" idea, but I actually think this works well for a poem like this. It's about something very real, and very awful, and I don't think frilly or abstract imagery is the way to go for something like this! So I like how you chose to stay quite literal, and I think this also made the swearing feel more literal and raw and impactful as well.
To me, the tone of the narrator comes across as very fed-up but also like they're trying to explain themselves and educate the white-text person for the majority of the poem. That is, until the very end, when there's a slightly more ~aggressive~ twist. I like how it starts as mostly calm and then ends up kinda irate, but I'd love love love it even more if there was a subtle progression and build-up to the "you're so f*cked up" mentality, ya know? One way to do this I think would be to gradually used more charged language throughout, and/or sprinkle subtle imagery that gets more and more intense up until the end. Definitely something you could fiddle around with and see what you think works! c:
>> Visually, there's a lot going on, and I like! The rainbow background and the rainbow hearts are *chef's kiss* At first I was wondering why you used so many different handwritten fonts for the black text (which I'm assuming is all from the narrator's point of view), but I feel like it kind of reflects how many different LGBTQ+ identities there are, and how they all face the same "you're screwed up" sentiments? Especially the section where you have "beautiful" "wonderful" "loveable" "valid" and "worthy" all in different fonts, that seems to fit the different identities ( / different experiences) interpretation!
One random question that struck me while reading, is why did you choose black for the narrator and white for the outside comments? I think I would've chosen the opposite, since black is typically matched with "dark / bad" ideas and white with "enlightened / good" ones. Additionally, white reflects all the colours back at your eyes, which seems kind of fitting to me? Whereas black sucks them all in and steals them. However, maybe you were wanting to invert the black = bad, white = good stereotype as well, which I'm totally down for! Anyway, all that to say, if you had a reason for the font colours I'd love to hear it!
>> Formatting-wise, I'm liking it! I especially like how the white text tends to be fairly unbroken and simply formatted, so it feels like the outside comments are uncomplex and poorly-thought-out ideas almost, whereas the black text seems like it has more movement, more complexity, more depth to it. I also like how the adjectives&hearts section in the middle breaks the pattern of straight lines (pun not particularly intended haha) and becomes kind of light and all over the place; it feels like a slight break in the tension and intensity and like a "here, we all need some good vibes" moment which is lovely <333
One teensy suggestion is for the part where you've got "-these people- / & / :those people:" (-> love the dashes and colons, by the way!! it's a bit like the two types of people are being put in boxes, but visually!) is that instead of having the lines move diagonally downwards, you have them either move starkly horizontal or starkly vertical. In other words, it'd be:
or-these people-
&
:those people:
-these people- ||||||||| & ||||||||| :those people:
I just feel like that'd convey a sharp division of two groups more effective? Whereas right now it feels like they're just tumbling down after each other. (We've also already got a fair bit of "tumbly" formatting so I think horizontal or vertical formatting would provide some lovely contrast, as well!)
That's an incredibly small formatting thing though, and definitely up to your taste! ^^
>> Nitpicks ~
"they need to be called exactly what they are and thats"
"thats" -> "that's"
Also, re: capitalization -> it's not super consistent? I think it'd be cool if the white text used one type of capitalization (ex typical 'correct' capitalization), and the black text was all lowercase or something, to show their contrasting viewpoints, but right now it's kind of inconsistent within text colours. Like most sentences start with a capitalized letter, while "since when do we..." doesn't seem to (unless it's just hard to tell in the font). And then the 'normal' capitalization would suggest you'd capitalize the proper pronoun "I", but then ya don't in "The only f*cked up thing that i see is". Definitely not a huge deal at all, but thought I'd mention it since this poem is already so wonderful and polished <333
Altogether, this is such a powerful poem and I'm really glad you wrote it. The language, the formatting, the visual elements, are all quite effective! I hope you know just how fantabulously awesome a person and poet you are :)
I hope this was helpful, and if you've got any questions about anything I brought up feel free to let me know ^^
-whatcha
Points: 22123
Reviews: 455
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