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139,355 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Try writing about missing writing. It might help.
Hello and good day, Shadow Vyper!
Your poem has a good message that I think most of us can relate to.
The funny thing is I've actually written a poem with a similar message very recently, and the other day, I found another one by another YWS user!
I love how you put the words into a background, that is something I'm going to have to try soon. You also used all lowercase letters to convey a sense of loneliness and doom, didn't you? The poem doesn't rhyme, but it flows smoothly and should roll off the tongue (if I spoke it, but I'm in a room full of people! Although I'm sure they would appreciate your poem!)
An idea has been floating around my mind recently, and I thought I'd put it out there, what if we compiled a book of (100 or so) YWS poems (with the poets' permission of course) and published it?!
Anyway, love the poem, love the message, keep it up, Poet!
Truly, Miecz
Thanks so much! I appreciate the review c:
Something similar has actually been done in the past, re: publishing an anthology of works from YWS. The problem comes in with things like internet safety (i.e., a large percentage of YWS are minors who shouldn't be sharing their real names online) and coordinating it all.
Yeah, now thinking further into it, it would be a lot!
@MieczAutorski yeah YWS did that a long time ago in a thing called the YWS journal or something journal/
[hello I have no review I just love this, that is all~]
<33
Hi! This is a really cool poem, and the message is very relatable. I love the sustained fire imagery throughout, and I think the idea of being "prescribed a burn" is a really interesting way of mixing a sort of sterile, medical imagery with the natural imagery of fire.
I did have a few notes on the flow of some of the lines, starting with the line,
which felt a little awkwardly phrased to me. I might suggest cutting out the word "internal" as it's already implied by "soul"— or, if you wanted to keep the more natural fire imagery that seems generally ascribed to the speaker in the poem, I would suggest switching out "health" for "temperature". This could also subtly be in keeping with the more medical imagery in the poem, as body temperature is something that needs to be maintained for health.
The other line I felt was a little awkward was,
This line is the third time that "within me" shows up in the poem, and in my opinion, it seems a little redundant. I would suggest taking out the "within me" and changing the "the" at the beginning of the line to "my" so the line would read, "my glow now dreary and cold."
These are just small personal notes though, so feel free to take them with a grain of salt. Overall, I think the poem's message is clear and the imagery is captivating. Hope to read more from you in the future!
Thanks so much for the review! I completely agree with your suggestions, and I really appreciate the help! c: