Breaker of Chains - Chapter Three

I liked this chapter way better than the first two. The new setting and cast is refreshing, and the cliffhanger at the end sets up an interesting twist. However, this chapter has some of the same problems as the last two.

I would have liked to know more about Amara and her crew. Not necessarily a biography, but a brief exchange of chatter that would reveal each character's personality. Five girls, one man, and one boy. That kind of isolation, especially in a dangerous environment, tends to bring humans together. Ergo, delving into their personalities as well as their relationships, making the reader care about them, would have made their capture all the more heart-wrenching.

See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.

The camp was a mess, (change comma to period) /*Smoke billowed from the aflame tents, creating a black-and-white swirl with the falling snow*/ tents aflame and smoke billowing into the air to mix with the swirling snow. She could smell the bodies burning, like a funeral pyre twisted for obscene purposes. It was a sickening thought. This was not a funeral. It was a massacre. Amara scanned the main fire pit from behind her tent flaps. The fire was billowing a thin but steady stream of smoke. There was a pot on its side beside it, the contents spilling out across the ground. Beyond that, she could see ruined tents and blood painted canvas.

Amara withdrew and spared her small (redundant. The third sentence tells this.) group a glance. They stared back at her. Five girls, one man and one small boy. The boy looked terrified. Amara offered him a small smile and turned back to the /*tent's entrance*/ entrance of the tent. She tightened her grip on /*her sword*/ the sword she held (too damn wordy) /*, scanning the area*/ and scanned the area again. There were screams from not too far away, but /*no-one was in sight*/ the area around the main fire pit appeared to be clear. Amara frowned and scanned the area again.

"Are they still there?" whispered one of the girls. Amara gestured sharply for them to stay quiet, and felt them all sit back on their heels. Good. She didn't need them to be silent and still (This made no sense to me. So she told them to be quiet because she needed noise to concentrate?) /*chatting*/ while she assessed the situation.

"I don't know,' (change apostrophe to quotation) she whispered without turning back, eyes glued to the shadows between tents and flickering flames. "I think so..." Amara frowned, eyebrows drawn down together. "Something doesn't feel right."

"I agree," said the only man left. Amara glanced towards him. They nodded and turned back as one. It was suddenly (too clichéd) /*Their surroundings became*/ eerily quiet. That wasn't good. All she could hear was the roaring of the fires and the breathing behind her. "I don't like this, chieftess."

Amara's frown deepened. As far as her guard knew, she was now the leader of the Cherani. Their tribe was small, but proud. A pity it had been reduced to /*the eight of them*/ their pitiful number. She sighed and retreated back into the tent, pulling the flap closed.

"I don't like it, (remove comma) either, Baraz," she replied, sitting back on her heels. "But we don't have any other choices. If we stay here, they will find us eventually."

Baraz nodded, sinking back into a crouch and resting his free hand on the ground between his knees. The other was firmly planted oh /*on*/ the hilt of his sheathed sword. They really did need to move, but perhaps that was their attackers were waiting for? Amara exhaled and sheathed her own blade.

Her guard grunted and ground his hand into the dirt beneath him. Amara winced as his knuckles popped a couple of times. "They know we're here."

Baraz swore and jerked to his feet, stalking back into the tent. It was poor cover, but /*cover nonetheless*/ it was still cover. Amara turned back to the entrance and pulled the flap of canvas back. The fire pit was still smouldering and the area appeared to be clear. She rubbed her free hand over her face, smudging dirt and ash across her check in the process.

"You are impossible," the man grumbled/*,*/ but he joined her by the tent entrance. He drew his blade and inclined his head slightly. Amara nodded to him and turned to the others. They stared up at her, waiting. The boy, their youngest, even peeked out from the shelter of his sister's arms. She offered him another smile.

Someone rushed out of the shadows from in front of them, and another from the right. Amara met the man's sword with her own, cutting him across the thigh before her backed off and grinned at her. Behind her, there was the sound of metal on metal and then a pained cry. She turned to find Baraz on his knees, a sword to his throat.

When she turned back, the man had been joined by another. This one was older and wore the Tahirnan soldier's uniform. There was just one minor difference; he had the marks of a general. She swore and her sword dipped down. Amara jerked it back up and yelped as someone slammed the hilt of their sword against the back of her head. Her vision swam /*as*/ and she fell to her knees. The sword slipped from her grasp and the man behind her jerked her arms around behind her.

"What do you think you're doing?" she ground out, fighting him even as /*her vision tunneled*/ the movements made her vision darkened dangerously. "I am a chieftess of the Chernai people!"

Hey, I'm here to review for the Review Day! Before I start, just keep in mind to edit the parts CandyWizard has pointed out to you, which I would not repeat again.

"I don't know,' she whispered without turning back, eyes glued to the shadows between tents and flickering flames. "I think so..." Amara frowned, eyebrows drawn down together. "Something doesn't feel right."

Their tribe was small, but proud.

The other was firmly planted oh the hilt of his sheathed sword. They really did need to move, but perhaps that was their attackers were waiting for?

Her guard grunted and ground his hand into the dirt beneath him.

It was poor cover, but it was still cover.

Someone rushed out of the shadows from in front of them, and another from the right. Amara met the man's sword with her own, cutting him across the thigh before her backed off and grinned at her.

"I am a chieftess of the Chernai people!"

Hey! So I haven't read the previous chapters, but I think I can write a solid review nonetheless.

In the third paragraph, Amara gestures the girl to be quiet, yet in the following sentence the narrator says "She didn't need them to be silent and still while she assessed the situation." Give that "didn't" a little delete ^^

Sixth paragraph: "A pity it had been reduced to their pitiful number." Perhaps "A pity it had been reduced to their meagre number." would be a little more adequate?

Finally, "She swore and her sword dipped down." This may be an exception if you are trying to avoid using swear words, but I encourage you to keep away from telling what your characters said, and make them actually say it instead.

I liked this chapter, and I haven't had much time in recent days, but I will definitely give the previous two a read as soon as I am able, and I hope that by that time you will have written a fourth chapter for us to admire.

SECOND, and I like this better than chapter 2

FIRST!