Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
For Tenyo's LMS contest. Word Count; 1,122 approx. Enjoy!
Chapter Nine
The throne room was almost empty when he stormed through the doors. One sweeping glance across it showed him several guards post at the doors and near the prisoners, who were all kneeling in front of the dais. Rindal was right on his heels at Arjana approached the small group of Cherani. He ordered the guards to leave them, leaving just Rindal, the two men watching the prisoners guarding him.
"What poison was on the blade your assassin used?" he demanded, leaning over the girl who had spoken up last time he'd interrogated them. She blinked at him, obviously confused. Arjana gritted his teeth. "Tell me!"
"What assassin?" she responded with, half-rising from her knees. The big man beside her grabbed her arm and tried to jerk her back down, but the girl was having none of it. "What assassin? My father certainly never sent one, nor would he consider it! It's disrespectful to the enemy!"
Rindal stepped forward and back-handed her. The girl was knocked to the floor, but she got right back up. Arjana had to fight to keep the wince off his face. There was a nasty red mark across one of her cheeks. He wouldn't be surprised if there was a bruise there later. She didn't deserve that. None of them did. "You will keep your filthy lies off your tongue, slave!"
Arjana shot the man a glare. "Rindal," he said, and the man turned towards him. "Let's not ruin them anymore than they already are." He gave the girl an assessing look, feeling sick to the stomach as he did so. She glared up at him, not bothering to cover the mark. It was almost like she wore it with honour, and not with shame. He approved. "After all, they should fetch a pretty price at auction."
"You bastard," the girl hissed, eyes narrowing. Arjana narrowed his back and grabbed Rindal's arm before he could slap her again. "You heartless bastard! Don't you dare touch the last of my people!"
"My name is Arjana Tahir, and you will address me as my position see fit," Arjana growled, then he threw a glare at Rindal. The man raised an eyebrow at him, but stood to attention. Arjana knew he had to get Rindal and the others out of the room. "Perhaps their tongues would be freer if you were not here."
He tilted his head towards the door, then swept his gaze across the other two guards. Rindal's eyes betrayed his suspicion, but he did as he was bid. Arjana knew the man wasn't one to ignore or question orders, regardless of how odd they were. He watched him leave with a growing sense of relief. The two other guards trailed after him, one of them glancing back towards the group with clear concern. Arjana made sure to note which guard it had been. He had a feeling he would need the man's help later.
Once the door had been pulled shut behind them, he turned to the prisoners and exhaled. It was another long moment before he could speak, and he decided to take a different course this time. Perhaps this would let them see him in another light.
"Sorry about that," he said, and this time his tone was much kinder. "It is hard to speak freely when my guards are about."
The big man shot to his feet, hands and feet braced for a fight. The others had scattered towards the girl, who was hugging the youngest--a boy--to her side. She was the one to speak; "What is this game you're playing now?"
Arjana glanced between her and the man. "I play no game."
"So you intend to kill us yourselves?" the big man asked, eyes narrowed. Arjana met his suspicious gaze calmly. "Is that what this is?"
"No," he said and turned to stride up the dais steps to the throne. He paused in front of it, touching the arm gently. Then he half-turned back. "As you are well aware, my kingdom has a nasty reputation for slavery." He jerked his hand off the throne with a grimace. "It's my intention to destroy that practice."
"You want to stop slavery?" the girl asked, frowning at him. He nodded. "Then why treat us so badly? Why not declare to abolish it?"
"It's not that simple," Arjana snapped, and rubbed a hand over his face. He turned away again and pointed to the throne. "As long as my father lives, as long as that pig-headed bastard sits upon this throne, my hands are tied. I can do nothing."
He turned back to see their expressions. The girl was still suspicious, but quickly realising what he meant by his words. The big man, on the other hand, did not look convinced at all. Arjana stepped away from the throne, and back towards them. They backed up as he came down the dais steps.
"You're lying," the big man said, edging closer to the others. Arjana just gave him a look.
"I am not the enemy here," he announced, pausing on the last step. He wouldn't move closer until they felt they could trust him more. "My father is dying, and it is not by my hand." He glanced towards the door, hoping the guards would stay outside. Rindal had never ignored one of his orders, and he hoped to keep it that way. Arjana dragged his attention back to the prisoners. "My favoured bodyguard is also dying, but I cannot choose one or the other." He dropped his gaze to the floor and he shoved hair off his face. "If my father were to live, this would continue...."
"But if he were to die, you could change things?" the girl finished for him.
Arjana nodded without looking up. "Yes, that's exactly what I'm getting at."
"You don't want the bodyguard to die." That was from the young boy the girl had been holding. Arjana glanced up and watched as he shrugged off the girl's arm. "You...like him?"
"Yes."
The boy's gaze narrowed. "Why?"
Arjana blinked at him, confused. "Why what?"
"Why don't you want him to die?"
He retreated towards the stairs, trying not to meet the boy's gaze. "He is... important to me," he said, glancing towards the others. The girl's expression was shuttered, but the big man's was like an open book. "What?"
"You love him," the big man said, understanding dawning on his face. Arjana swallowed. How had the man managed to see past his pretenses when no one else but his mother could not? There was a moment of silence as the big man exchanged a glance with the girl. Then he smiled. "What would you have us do?"
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Another review for you.
Well, I've gotten a pretty good grasp of the plot by now. As has been said, these people seem a little too gullible. Perhaps you could give a reason that they would be compelled to believe him. After all, many politicians rise on the promise of "change." I think commoners would know trickery better than most.
Also, it seems a bit strange that they figured out his feelings so easily. I mean, really. These feelings are usually the second guess with most. Unless it's a part of the setting I'm unfamiliar with, in which case I apologize.
As for the style, it's description doesn't stick out too much, which is good. The dialogue is very realistic, with harsh words, formalities, and innocent questions masterfully tossed around in conversation. While I think you might want to add a bit of suspense and fear to Arjana's situation (It's treason, right?), it still holds up well through this chapter.
The characters are realistic, if a tiny bit convenient to the plot. The "big man" (though I hope he has other monikers) is an excellent touch. Arjana remains a likable protagonist, and it's nice to see him surprised by the peasants' perception.
Overall, an excellent plot in a good style with some very interesting characters. While it's not perfect, I enjoyed the read immensely. Cheers!
-Chaser
Hey, I'm here to review!
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The suggestions;
Spoiler
This sentence can do without "who were".
I can't put my finger on it but this sentence read weird. Hmm.
I think it's better to switch the second comma with an "and".
I'm not a big fan of exclamation marks, and think that they should be used only when necessary. Here, I think the second sentence doesn't need it. The one in third is enough.
Okay, since there's Arjana's action in here, his part should be put into a new paragraph. This is a simple fix;
See? The focus is still on the girl, not Arjana.
OMG WHAT KIND OF HAIR ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! Put a "his" before "hair".
The plot, characters, and settings;
Well, the plot is moving forward. The event here is certainly important - Arjana surely has a plan for these Cherani people. What plan it is, I need to read more, and with that, you've done a nice job to put in some mysteries and hold answers to them. I like it. However, it is too convenient when the prisoners trust Arjana easily when he has done nothing to earn it.
For characters, my point still stands. The girl and the big man couldn't possibly trust Arjana when they're still in the prisoner and Arjana is still treating them badly and has done nothing to get them out of there. You need to make Arjana gives some demonstration to prove what he's said about destroying the slavery system because everyone can say it's all talk right now.
For settings, well. I'm not someone who focus on this very much but perhaps it would be a bonus if you put in Arjana's view on the prisoner he's visiting to emphasize more about his protest to this imprisoning the slaves or captured people. I think it would give more emotions to the story while giving a vivid imagery to your readers.
Anyway, that's all! Keep up the good job!