Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
For Tenyo's LMS contest. Enjoy. Word Count; 1,132, approx.
Chapter Sixteen
Arjana stalked into his parent's bedroom, dreading what he might find. He had a sinking feeling in his gut that the messenger had lied. It was a ridiculous feeling, and it was one he was having a hard time shaking. Especially considering that if his father was dead, then the healers could see to Kaiser. He would get his beloved back.
He stopped short when he saw the room properly. His father lay on is back in the bed, deathly pale and still as stone. His mother sat on a chair beside the bed. She did not look at him when he approached. Nor did she look towards his father.
"Mother," he said, touching her shoulder gently. She reached up to lay her hand over his but didn't speak. Arjana sighed. He looked towards the bed and scanned his father's face. "So it is true. He's dead."
"Yes," his mother said, her voice barely above a whisper. Arjana leaned down and kissed her cheek before pulling away to approach the bed. None of the people present protested it.
He studied the old man's face for a long moment, then reached out to touch it. Arjana had never seen his father so still before. Siavash Tahir had not been the type of man to lounge about. Not until recently, but that was beside the point. His father had always been in motion; fencing, riding, yelling at people. To see him so motionless... Arjana was unnerved, but it was for the best.
Siavash Tahir had been a violent, abusive man with a cruel streak a mile wide. Now that he was dead, Arjana could finally abolish the slavery that ran rampant in his father's Empire. He couldn't do it alone, though. He would need Kaisar and Amara. They were the keys to the cage of every slave, living or dead, that existed within the Empire's borders. Arjana pulled his hand away before he could touch his father's cheek.
"The Emperor is dead," he said, tone flat and empty. Now that it had happened, he wasn't sure what to feel. Joy for the death of a cruel man or sorrow for the death of a father? He found he couldn't separate the feelings. A jumbled mess of anger, sadness and satisfaction.
"Yes," his mother repeated, still in that tone barely above a whisper. "He is."
Arjana studied his mother for a moment, a frown creeping over his face. He turned to Rindal and the other guards, jerking his head at the door. "Leave us," he said, then cast a glance over the handful of gathered servants as well. "You as well. I must speak to my mother." He caught a glimpse of Rindal and scowled at him. The guard opened his mouth to protest, but he cut him off. "Alone."
Rindal's jaw snapped shut and he glowered at Arjana, but he turned and left as requested. The servants and the rest of the guards followed him out in silence. The last guard out the door pulled it closed behind them. Once alone, Arjana turned back to his mother and stared at her until she looked up.
"What did you do?" he demanded, keeping his voice low so no one would overhear him.
His mother looked up, startled. She stared at him with wide, fearful eyes. "What are you talking about?"
Arjana huffed out a breath and crossed his arms over his chest, giving her a stern look. "You did something. It's obvious." She abruptly looked away, and Arjana sighed, softening his tone. "Just tell me what you did, Mother. I promise I won't tell anyone."
Ilithyia Omorosa Tahir straightened in her chair and lifted her chin, meeting his eyes. "I smothered him during the night," she announced in a low, clear voice. His mother was well aware of the implications of that statement if the wrong ears overheard her. She was also a strong woman, for all his father's abuse of her. "Everyone was asleep, so I let opportunity guide me."
"What?" He stared at his mother for a long moment, not comprehending her words completely just yet. Arjana blinked, then shook his head and looked towards the dead man in the room. He studied the body for a long moment before he met his mother's uncompromising gaze. "You...smothered him?"
His mother dropped her gaze from his and dusted off the skirt of her dress. "He was whimpering like a child," she scoffed, settling back into the chair. The tiniest of smiles turned up the corner of her lips. "So in the middle of the night, when everyone was dreaming, I picked up a pillow and held it over his face until he stopped moving."
Arjana was stunned. His mother had finished the old bastard off? He laughed, loudly. "Well, I'll be damned," he said, shaking his head. "My mother finished the old man off." He offered her a sly smile. "You just gave me the perfect opportunity to undo some of his cruelty."
Her smile grew and morphed into a smirk. She'd been playing coy the whole time. To think his mother was such a cunning little witch! "Why do you think I did it, Arjana?" she queried, giving the Emperor a passing look. "His tyranny need to end. I ended it." She tilted her head back against the chair. "It's for the best, wouldn't you think?"
"Indeed."
Arjana smiled to himself and gave the old man's body one last look. Even in death, the old bastard looked like he was trying to murder someone with just his eyes. He wiped the smile off his face and met his mother's now-sombre gaze. She blinked at him, a picture of innocence. They would never suspect her. Everyone thought she was a meek woman. Oh, how he'd love for them to see how wrong they were.
"I'll keep your secret, Mother," he said, tilting his head towards the bed. "As far as anyone else is concerned, the assassin's poison finished the old bastard off during the night." He inclined his head to his mother and headed for the door. "Good day, Mother. Enjoy your freedom."
Rindal was waiting for him when he opened the door, gaze suspicious. At first, he didn't say anything. Arjana just nodded to him and headed through the sitting room and over to the outer doors.
It was only when they were on the hall, on their way elsewhere, that Rindal spoke; "Now what, sir?"
Arjana chanced a look at the man. If Rindal was suspicious of him or his mother, he wasn't showing it. "Now we go speak to a certain healer."
"Yessir."
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Hey, Scar~ As per usual, I don't know everything that's going on, so I'm going to focus on the here and now.
This line, honestly, undoes a lot of your emotional impact this chapter. Instead of showing us his tyranny and his cruelty, and instead of showing us the political implications and relief that Arjana feels about his father's death, you condense it all into one little sentence that really doesn't give us a good sense of who the emperor was. You give us a lot of shortcuts as to what we should feel, but you don't show us why we should feel it. And because not a lot of emotion comes through Arjana's narration, this very "telling" sentence isn't backed up by the rest of the chapter.Since I've beaten the syntax horse beyond death (as have others, haha), I'm going to focus more on your storytelling style in this chapter, I think. Keep in mind that, of course, I am not the end-all be-all of storytelling, so you can feel free to cast this aside if you don't feel it applies!
To start off with, I feel like this chapter—which should have some emotionally-heavy things to deal with, what with Arjana's feelings towards his father and his father's death, as well as his conversation with his mother—is a little too distant emotionally. We have a connection to your characters, and you give us an in to caring about them, but...it doesn't really work, at least for me.
At this point, we're sixteen chapters into the work, around 16k words in; if you haven't shown the political turmoil and abuse surrounding the emperor by now, then what's the use in incorporating it? Obviously it's meant to have weight, and it's meant to affect the characters greatly, but in that case, it should have been worked in earlier—there should be no need for a sentence telling us that he was cruel, because you should have shown us that he was cruel before his death.
This carries into Arjana's conversation with his mother because, while we're aware that both characters are feeling emotions towards the death of the emperor, we don't really feel that. There are a few instances where the emotions come through (Arjana laughing in shock being one), but for the most part, it's very obvious that I'm just reading words on a page.
Of course, this is me, one reader, saying this, haha. In any case, I hope I helped at least a little, and keep writing!
Hey Scar! I've returned!
I felt like he didn't seem very surprised or upset- well I know now why but even so he didn't sound happy, either. I just feel like there'd be more of a response. Maybe talk a bit more about how Arjana didn't like his father or something, because all I really saw was facts, almost. Like Arjana didn't really care if his father lived or died, but yet he was still slightly down about it? And then him and his mother were almost despising the man, which is fine of course but from his reaction it felt like a bit of a leap. One minute he's in disbelief his father's dead, the next he's patting his mum on the back for a job well done. Maybe show us a little more of what Arjana is thinking, I think it'd be interesting!
Especially because right now I can't decide if Arjana and his mom are psychopaths or not. Deep down I know they're not, because the father was obviously just a very hard man to deal with and it got to be too much to have him hanging around, I guess, but on the other hand something is for sure a bit broken with that mother, maybe it's because of years of abuse, but I still think it's there. Even Arjana scares me a bit. I mean, even when someone's done you VERY wrong, most people don't turn to... contempt? Is that the word? Do they..? I know everyone's different, and your characters can be whatever you want them to be, I'm just trying to make sense of it, mostly.
Anyway, I liked how you keep things straight to the point. Like instead of starting RIGHT where the last chapter left off, you brought us to where the action was, which is awesome. Keep it up, Scar!
-Holy
Thanks for the review, Holy! Yeah, I wasn't sure I got the emotion across right--or very well. As an LMS chapter it's kinda rushed. Writer's block, man. But yeah, this needs major editing when it's finished. x.x <3
Don't worry about it too much! Editing will come, just focus on getting it down. c: