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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

Breaker of Chains - Chapter Seventeen

by ScarlettFire


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

For Tenyo's LMS contest. Enjoy. Word Count; 1,030, approx.

Chapter Seventeen

Kaisar fought long and hard, an endless fight between shadowy figures and himself. It had been pure hell. He wasn't sure how long he'd been fighting for or how much time had passed, but he was sure he'd felt Arjana's presence--and felt it more than once. Sometimes, he even heard the prince's voice, calling to him. But nothing ever came of it.

He kept dreaming of a beast, shadowy and huge. It breathed fire and tore flesh from bone with vicious teeth and wicked claws. But it never actually hurt him. Kaisar found it odd, and even odder was the lessening of his fight, the way it got easier and how it felt less and less like hell each time. In fact, if he didn't know any better, something was easing him back from the edge, calling him back from wherever he was trapped.

Suddenly, a noise intruded; it sounded like a door opening. Kaisar heard it close, and then he heard voices. Two very familiar voices. He wasn't sure about one of them, but the other was definitely Arjana. Kaisar began to fight, to struggle towards those voices--towards Arjana's.

Abruptly, he was thrust into the world again, eyes wide open while he stared up at the ceiling of the infirmary. There was a gasp, and then the sound of rushing feet. Kaisar turned his head and found Arjana's looking down at him.

"Kaisar?" the prince asked, making him frown. "Kaisar, you're awake!"

He stared up at his prince's face, concern flooding him. Arjana looked worried--really, really worried. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Kaisar reached for his prince, grateful when Arjana clasped his hand. "Something is wrong," he said, frown deepening. "What happened?"

Arjana exchanged glances with the other man in the infirmary. Kaisar followed his gaze, and realised the other man was a healer, and not just any healer. He was the head healer. Behind him, stood another man in stony silence. Lecherous Guard. Kaisar's eyes narrowed.

"What is he doing here?"

Rindal stiffened, and both prince and healer turned to look at him. "He's been watching my back while you were unconscious," Arjana said, waving the man away. Rindal gave him a stiff nod and headed for the doors. He kept looking towards Kaisar with suspicious eyes until he was out of the room. Arjana returned his gaze to Kaisar. "How do you feel?"

Kaisar pushed himself up onto an elbow. He pulled his hand free of Arjana's and rubbed a hand over his face. "I'm not sure," he said, giving the head healer a suspicious look. "I think I'm alright. How long have I been in here?"

The healer exchanged a glance with Arjana. "A few weeks," the healer said after a moment, and then he approached him. Kaisar went very still. He wasn't sure if he'd heard the healer right. "You were poisoned."

"I know that," Kaisar snapped, irritated. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and swayed. Arjana caught him before he fell over. Kaisar pushed Arjana away a little, holding himself upright by using Arjana as a prop. He fixed the healer with a dark, knowing look. "What happened that I don't know about?"

Arjana sighed, making Kaisar's gaze drift back to him. The dark suspicion faded as he met the prince's eyes. "He's dead, Kaisar," he said in a low voice. "He's dead."

For a moment, Kaisar was merely confused--and then realization set in. His eyes went wide and he grabbed hold of Arjana tightly. "Are you saying what I think you're saying, Arjana?" he asked, giving him a little shake. Arjana nodded. "Say it. Tell me it's true."

"It's true," Arjana told him, gaze flickering to the healer for the briefest moment. "It's true."

"The Emperor is dead," the healer added, offering Kaisar a tiny smile when he met the bald man's gaze. "I tended to his body myself when the call went up."

Kaisar stared at them, gaze darting between them until he let himself lean into the prince. Arjana's arms came around him, holding him close. "It's over?" he whispered into Arjana's shoulder. "It's finally over? We can start to right his wrongs?"

"Yes," Arjana whispered back, tightening his hold on Kaisar. "Yes, that's the plan."

He nodded into the man's shoulder, closing his eyes. He heard the healer's stance shift. It was obvious the man wanted to check on him, but Kaisar was content to just be held by his prince for the moment. Just a little longer, and he'd let the healer check his wounds. Did he even still have wounds? He pulled back too soon for his liking and ran a hand over his stomach. And encountered the stitches he'd let the other healer sew through his skin.

"May I see to it?" the healer requested in a soft, calm voice. Arjana shifted off the edge of the bed, stood and gestured for the healer to go ahead. Kaisar sat still at the healer inspected him, wincing or hissing only when the man pressed too hard.

"That's enough, Hassun," Arjana said after the man had pressed a little harder than he'd thought the healer needed to. Hassun retreated to the end of the bed and inclined his head. "Well?"

"He'll live," the healer said, smiling wider now. "With the poison seen to, the wound is no longer fatal. In fact, it's nearly healed." He gestured to Kaisar, and the obvious stitches in his side. "The infection is easing and within a few days, Kaisar will be fine. Especially if I help to purge the last of it from him."

Arjana nodded. "Good," he said, and turned to urge his beloved to lay down. "I'll be back soon, Kaisar. Let Hassun tend to you until you're well enough to tend to me again."

Kaisar nodded and closed his eyes, listening to the healer and his prince talk in low voices as they walked back towards the door. He heard Arjana leave, the door opening and closing, and then the healer--Hassun--came back into the room. Kaisar smiled to himself. It seemed things were finally going to be in their favour.


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1272 Reviews


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Sun Feb 07, 2016 2:33 am
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

Bouncing in and out, here, clearing out the back of the Green Room. Have just enough context from what I missed to have some sense of what's going on.

My first instinct is you're going a little overboard with the descriptions of the current body guard. It screams 'obvious villain' without much filter for unreliable narrator. You can either fix this by making it not so obvious, or by providing more emotional impacts to the man and more description on his part. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but if you provide more about him then you give readers a chance to form their own opinion. You're not telling us, you're showing us— and as a result giving us the ability to determine if the characters are right or wrong. It also leaves room for us to see potential good streaks, which makes him a more complex individual.

The interaction between Kaisar and Arjana felt... odd. I can't decide if it's platonic or romantic affection, which is mildly frustrating for me. I'm happy either way because yay gay couples and yay close platonic friendship, but the ambiguity is what's making me hesitate. I'm caught between "am I reading into it or is it just not described emotionally enough." All the actions are there and it's really just the inner narrative that's leaving the uncertainty, and as I mentioned before, your inner narrative is lacking.

Interestingly, I found this chapter slightly better in that regard, if only because you had the element of confusion forcing your narrative towards emotions. You'd written the scene with a dominating emotion in mind and continued having dominant emotions, which was refreshing. Still, it stopped at the dominant emotions and didn't add in continuing emotions, like the dislike of the noble and the romantic-or-platonic feelings at being held.

Overall, this chapter kind of screams 'things are about to break spectacularly' because you added a note of contentment. It's most certainly got me curious, but the lack of underlaying emotions and telling/hand holding about what opinions we're supposed to form around people is really undercutting this.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




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Fri Feb 05, 2016 10:42 pm
Vervain wrote a review...



Hey, Scar! Back again, though I don't suppose you thought you got rid of me just yet, haha. Let me jump right in!

He stared up at his prince's face, concern flooding him. Arjana looked worried--really, really worried. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Kaisar reached for his prince, grateful when Arjana clasped his hand. "Something is wrong," he said, frown deepening. "What happened?"
This bit from your chapter illustrates my negative device of the day: Hand-holding. Hand-holding is when you unnecessarily explain something to your readers in the narration. It is, in a word, redundant information that the readers could have figured out or already knew on their own.

In this case, you're holding your reader's hands through something being wrong—is it really necessary to have the dramatic "Something was wrong. Very wrong." in the narration, and then have Kaisar immediately say that something's wrong? Both of those are redundant to what the audience already knows, being that the emperor is dead, and neither of them are necessary to the character or the narration. You could just as easily have Kaisar be worried about Arjana being worried and then ask, "What's wrong?"

In effect, what I'm saying is that your readers are going to get irritated with a narration style that's telling them things they already know. Take that space instead to develop on how Kaisar responds to waking up and suddenly being thrust into a stressful situation.

Also, is it just me or is no one in the empire considering that now that the emperor is dead, Arjana will have to create and solidify treaties to keep the land from turning to chaos? An empire is no small thing to keep in check, and Arjana doesn't have the connections or the respect that the old emperor obviously had; it's going to be a rough ride for him, but the last two chapters have been nothing but jubilant that the old emperor is dead. I can only imagine that any conflicts that were arising will just get stronger knowing that the man who suppressed them for so long is gone.

In any case, those are questions for another day. Keep writing!





Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
— Henry David Thoreau