Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
For Tenyo's LMS contest. A little rushed, but enjoy. Word Count, 927, approx.
Chapter
Fourteen
The masked figure fled from the prince's room, across balconies and roofs, and through servant halls--right up until they reached their new rooms. He slipped into the room and leant again the door, panting. He would not be doing that again, if he could help it.
Luckily, the burly man who guarded her was asleep on a chaise lounge in the sitting room. He glided silently across the room and opened the door to the inner room--the princess's bedroom. She stayed asleep as he closed the door gently behind him and slid the mask off. He cast a glance towards her bed. The two handmaids she had were sharing the princess's bed, and he was glad that they, too, were sleeping.
Etana exhaled and slid the mask into the folds of his clothing, shoving his hood back. That had been close. He slid his shirt off one shoulder, making sure to keep only the shoulder exposed and shook his head. There was a small scratch across his shoulder. Nothing he couldn't easily fix with the small bag of healing salves Hassun had given him.
He glided across the room towards the princess's bathing room. Etana had learned pretty fast that Amara was a generous person. She wouldn't mind him using the bathing room to clean up. The last thing Etana needed was to face suspicion, especially coming from the prince. Speaking of him... Prince Arjana had let him go. That was something he hadn't expected, but he was grateful for it.
The door didn't squeak when he opened it, and that was yet another good thing. Etana closed it as gently as he'd closed the last door, and sighed in relief when no one appeared to wake up. He turned away and stripped down, making sure the cotton wrapped around his chest was still in place before he set about tending to the wound across his shoulder. It was easy to tend, and he was ready to dress again. Etana dressed in fresh clothing, stashing his assassin outfit behind a loose wooden panel in the bathing room.
With a deep breath, he stepped out of the room and soundlessly closed the door again. Another glance towards the princess's bed showed him that all three occupants were still fast asleep. He crawled onto his sleep mat and pulled the blankets up over his shoulder. Now it was just a matter of time before the guards roused everyone in the palace. Etana closed his eyes and waited.
Ten minutes later, there was shouting outside of the room, and the burly man's angry voice rose above the guards. Etana sat up, making a pretense at being groggy and flung the blankets back, scrambling towards the door. Amara, he saw as he moved, was awake, but the other two girls were not. He gestured for her to stay there and pulled the door open a crack.
"Sir?" he called, spotting only the burly bodyguard's back. Baraz gestured for him to stay where he was. Etana was only too pleased to do so, but he did have a duty to the princess and he was going to have to ask certain difficult questions. "Is it safe for the princess?"
"Of course it's bloody safe!" Rindal exclaimed, raising his voice. Etana winced, not having to pretend that the loudness bothered him. It did. "At least, here seems safe. His blood Highness wasn't, though. Someone attacked him!" Etana tried to peer past Baraz to see the palace guard's face, but the burly man shifted to shield him. "I'm here to make sure all of you are in your proper places."
"Eep," Etana let out and slammed the door. He raised his voice to yell through the thick wood. "Everyone is accounted for and if you'll give us a moment, her highness will be decent enough for a visit!" He cast Amara a harried look, not at all feeling the meekness he was projecting.
"She better!" Rindal yelled back.
Amara inclined her head and left the bed, leaving the two girls hugging each other in fear. All the yelling had woken them him. Etana watched as the princess offered the girls a soothing word in her own language before she dragged on a heavy dressing gown and strode towards him. "Stay with them, please."
"Yes, highness." He gave her a little bow and moved away from the door. Amara herself opened it and stepped out. She didn't bother to close it and Etana left it open. He went to the girls instead and watched the chaos unfolding through the open door.
"What is all this noise about?" Amara demanded, head held high. "It's late and some of us are trying to sleep."
One look at the princess was apparently all Rindal needed. He apologized profusely and left the room. Etana watched him go, leaning to see the outer door slam shut behind the lecherous guard. He shook his head, astonished. Amara and Baraz exchanged a glance before the princess span on her heel and returned to the bed.
"I have a feeling he just doubled the guard," she said and slid beneath the covers. The two girls stared at her with wide eyes. Etana watched her closely, gaze darting between Amara, the girls, and Baraz. "Go bad to sleep."
He went and closed the door again before returning to his sleeping mat. At least he'd gotten away with it. And he felt accomplished. Etana smiled to himself and snuggled down beneath his blankets. He was looking forward to the next day.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey, Scar! Back again for round two...chapter 14...same difference.
In this section, you could easily say "the last thing he needed" instead of using Etana's name; this is just one instance of a few that I could pick out in the chapter, and probably the most egregious one.In this chapter, I noticed a lot of the same syntax repetition that I did in your intermission chapter 13; you use a lot of the same sentence structures over and over again, and your sporadic use of pronouns instead of names (even though pronouns would fit) enhances the feeling of repetition.
At this point in the scene, Etana is the only character using he/him pronouns that has even been introduced, so it doesn't make sense to say "Etana" instead of "he" before he starts thinking of the prince. Especially since you just used his name earlier in the paragraph, it sticks out like a sore thumb. However, when you bring up Arjana and start talking about him, it's more acceptable to use the names and pronouns like you do, because we don't want pronoun confusion happening, of course.
This looks a little awkward. Because of how you have the sentence structured, it looks like "Etana let out and slammed the door" is a full sentence on its own—when it clearly doesn't stand without the interjection before it. It might be more aesthetically pleasing to re-order it in another fashion, for example:
Other than that, I don't have too much to say, so—second verse, same as the first: Keep writing!
I'm here to review! Happy Review Day!
*le gasp* Etana is the assassin?! Now that I think about it, having a servant that can be confused as male or female can make one dismisses him as an assassin. Other than that though, I think the scenes here are well played out.
I also think Etana is indeed a cunning servant, seeing how he disguises himself as a meek one rather than a cruel assassin. I would like to hear more about him as there should be a backstory of how he becomes the assassin, and for what reason. He might get away now, but he would do more later, given no one seems to know who he is in actuality.
I also think Rindal is a bit too apparent here; we know he's suspecting Amara as the one who assaulted Arjana. As Arjana's guard, I hope he can be more thoughtful than that but it's a good step too to make sure Amara is not the one who assaulted Arjana as it can narrow done the suspecit list.
Other than that, there's nothing much to say here. The way Etana gives focus on Amara seems like he's wary whether she knows he's the assassin, but I guess we won't know that for sure. As I said, the scenes are well-played, even in the moment where Etana's taking a shower. I'm not sure what's the wool for around his chest; maybe that's how he tricks people of his gender?
Anyway, keep it up!