Hello Scarlett, I am here to review this chapter of your story. I just wanted to let you know that I am completely in the dark(meaning that I haven't read any previous chapters) so I feel like I'm coming on right into the action here. Anyways, I'll try my best to give you some perspective, because even though I am confused you did give some backstory here.
I personally feel like this whole chapter was rushed, whether that was rushed becase you wrote it in a rushed time squeeze, or maybe rather I think that it might have felt rushed because of the pace of the chapter. Like, I wanted to say to slow down during this whole chapter, because there was just so much stuff happening, that my brain wasn't actually wrapping around all of the information. I think that perhaps you should slow this down a tad bit, by trying the technique of portraying this scene in slow motion, kind of like they do in movies and such.
So apparently, from what I could gather Arjana father, the emperor who was in charge just died and Arjana isn't feeling bad about it at all. But then like, how does Arjana feel about Rindal's death and Kaisar's serious injuries. I guess that because I don't really know this character that well, I would like to have some more emotion shown and drawn out. Maybe like in scripts, just include a couple of emotional beats in between all the chaos that's happening. Here is an article that I would reccomend that you read to enchance that "muscle" Breathing Emotions into scenes in your writing: so you could better improve and such.
Ok, so as another note I wish that you could have given us some more description about the dragon. Like he seems to be such a driving force there. What color is it? How big is it? What type/kind of fire will it breathe out? etc. I guess that I just wanted something more of a mental image than just "the dragon" because there is such a great variety and each and every one is unique.
"Is that...what I think it is?"
"If you mean is it a dragon?" Rindal called back, "then yes."
I don't think that the dialogue really flows here, because it seems so obvious and unnatural. If you think about it, here they are, in an emergency sitatuation. And while I do understand why they might hesistate or be in disbelief/denail, I don't really necessarily thing that this is the way to go about that.
Suddenly, Kaisar was there, between him and the beast.
I guess that I'm still unsure of how this action happened. I wish that you might have clarified this in the dialogue later on, like at the end where Hassun came in and starting scolding Kaisar that he came in between this fight scene. It would have been helpful and probably given us a motive or advanced the plot at least a little bit more.
It seems like the dragon's eyes are a very important symbol, because throughout the chapter you keep on describing the eyes looking at them and switching from person to person in the dragon's perspective. It's just that this part got repetitive and so I think that you can cut some of that out, or use different body language. For example: rotation of the head, flick of fingers/wrists,etc.
"It's safe... I think."
This line kind of struck me as senseless, like I don't really understand why he would include that hesitation. Don't they have like a dozen of guards around them in the background to check/verify? I guess that I don't understand why there isn't a bit more security or loyalty around the guards, but then again maybe that's just some worldbuilding that has been done before.
The dragon chuffed, sounding smug. Arjana chuckled. "It's not my dragon."
Kaisar offered the healer a smug, satisfied look. "It's mine."
Does this mean that the dragon can understand and copy facial expressions? Because this is what you seem to signify when you use that word twice. Great cliffhanger though, really leaves me on the edge of what's going to happen next!
Overall, I tried my best to not make this review of me being clueless, but I do have to admit that I did enjoy myself reading this, even though it was very hard to keep track of the characters and such. I hope that this helps with your writing, and if you have any questions, you know where to find me!
~P.S.
Points: 37216
Reviews: 346
Donate