Breaker of Chains - Chapter Four

Again, not much character depth. Even worse, the chain of events is doing a poor job making up or it. Also, you keep using phrases like "the other man" to describe Kaisar. For two lovers, this is far too impersonal a label. That said, try to come up with something more familiar. Lovers typically call each other nicknames--so try thinking of something like that. At any rate, I'm looking forward to seeing more of Amara.

See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.

Arjana stepped into the room and froze, listening intently. There was a heavy silence that seemed to coat the room like a heavy fog (too damn wordy) /*Complete silence*/. He frowned, gently /*closing the door as he entered*/ closed the door and turned to face the room. Kaisar wasn't there. Sighing, he crossed the drawing room/*, toward the bedroom proper*/ and opened the doors to the bedroom proper. Sound hit him like a blast of heat from a blacksmith's furnace (purple prose. Go for something less dramatic and more concise).

Kaisar was on the chaise lounge, fast asleep. He was even snoring, which made Arjana smile slightly. All pretext was gone now, no more masks. They didn't need to pretend that Kaisar was his slave in these rooms. (redundant. We already know their public relationship) Arjana felt the tension leaking from his body as he crossed the room to where the other man lay. He perched on the chair in the small space beside Kaisar's shoulder. He smiled fondly, tracing his fingers over the other man's lips.

"You should by /*be*/ in the dining hall still," his lover said, startling Arjana out of his musing. Arjana jerked his hand back, staring at Kaisar as /*he*/ the other man opened his eyes and sat up. Obviously, he'd woken him up by touching him. (redundant. Show, don't tell.) "Why aren't you downstairs?"

Arjana stared down at him for a long moment before he abruptly stood. He turned his back to the other man and hugged himself tightly. He had not expected Kaisar to confess to that. After all, the Ibessan prince may have been there for close to ten years, /*They had known each other for nearly ten years.*/ but it was still odd to find that the man had a brand new layer Arjana hadn't seen before. Kaisar was like elaborate painting; each new layer revealed the artist's intention, and their heart with every brush stroke. He sighed.

"You were waiting for me?" he finally asked, not moving an inch. Behind him, he felt Kaisar move. The older man had probably straightened up. Arjana resisted the urge to look at him. He cut a hand through the air sharply. "No, don't answer that." Arjana took a deep breath. He'd set the other man a task in the week and a half since the assassination attempt on his father, and he hoped Kaisar had succeeded (show, don't tell). "What did you find?"

Kaisar's sigh was telling, but he still needed an answer. "Not much, Arjana," was the reply (redundant). Arjana turned back slightly, just enough to put Kaisar within his range of sight. He watched him from the corner of his eye. Kaisar stood up, one hand pressing to his side. The movement was slow, careful. It was as if the man's side were still raw and bleeding. "It's just as you thought; whoever wanted him dead is not leaving any trace of themselves." Kaisar dragged his fingers through his hair. "It is like I am chasing a ghost."

Arjana scowled and tore his eyes /*away*/ off the other man. "I don't like this," he muttered, crossing to the window opposite the chaise lounge. He stared out at the garden below, the walls beyond that and past the palace's outer wall at the sprawling town and rolling hills beyond it (too damn wordy. Again, try to be more concise). "It tastes like it's rotten to the core."

He very nearly flinched when Kaisar's hand slip/*ped*/ across his back, but managed to hide any reaction. They didn't need to have that talk again. He was glad to be free of one of their many chains. "You're probably right, Kaisar," he said, turning into the man's embrace. "But that doesn't mean I have to like it."

The knock on the door startled the both of them and Arjana jerked himself out of Kaisar's arms--and straight into the windowsill. "Your highness?" a guard called through the door. Arjana cursed and crossed to the door, aware of Kaisar retreating to the chaise lounge and sinking to the floor beside it. Appearances. How he hated them. He rubbed his hip for a moment before donning his /*glacial*/ usual mask and jerking the door open, all signs or discomfort gone. In its place, he had mask made of ice. (redundant) It usually tempered the guard's attitudes.

"What?" he demanded, imitating annoyance at being disturbed. The guard's hand was still raised as if to knock. The man /*He*/ jerked it /*away, behind his back*/ back and swung that hand around behind his back. "You interrupted the rather pleasant evening I was planning with my dog. Speak, or I'll have you reprimanded for your stupidity."

The guard's Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed (again, concise). "The prisoners from the Cherani raid have arrived, sir," the man said, voice monotone as if to hide his feelings on the matter (redundant. The fact that he swallowed already betrays his tone). He probably didn't like the idea of slavery, but it couldn't be helped. For now. They just needed a little more time... Once his father was dead, Arjana could step in. If his mother allowed it, and she, hopefully, would. She'd never liked the old man, and Arjana couldn't blame her. His father was....abrasive, and that was at the best of times. At his worst, the Emperor was obnoxious and arrogant, and pushy. "They have been gathered in the dungeons for now, to be pursued at your leisure in the morning."

It's the Chirave Canicthus here to review your work!
Ah. I see what's going on... (At least with the Cherani. I think...)

So Kaisar said that it was a Cherani assassin who went after the Emperor, so now they're punishing the Cherani. Yes? Well, anyways... Onto the review!

It most definitely seems that you’re trying to get a cute little moment with Kaisar and Arjana. Not to mention that you really seem to be hammering in the fact that Arjana and Kaisar really shouldn’t be presented as this slave-prince duo but as... equals in a way? Which would be totally understandable.

The mood’s a bit odd with this one. You tried to put a romance piece into this, which was really cute for the really short time it lasted, but then the rest of it kinda seemed cold or awkward, if I can say that.

Oh. And is Kaisar the Ibessan Prince mentioned here? I was a bit confused for a bit.
"After all, the Ibessan prince may have been there for close to ten years, but it was still odd to find that the man had a brand new layer Arjana hadn't seen before." Just wondering. I'm getting those kind of ideas off this sentence.

The spelling and grammar’s been dealt with during the previous reviews, so I don’t think I need to get you on that.

And yeah. This chapter was pretty good, but I’d add a bit more clarity in some parts. I’ll be looking forward to more parts!
Keep Writing!
Chiravian

Hey, I'm here again to review the chapter!

There was a heavy silence that seemed to coat the room like a heavy fog. He frowned, gently closed the door and turned to face the room.

"You should by in the dining hall still," his lover said, startling Arjana out of his musing.

Kaisar was like elaborate painting; each new layer revealed the artist's intention, and their heart with every brush stroke.

He rubbed his hip for a moment before donning his usual mask and jerking the door open, all signs or discomfort gone.

The guard's Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. "The prisoners from the Cherani raid have arrived, sir," the man said, voice monotone as if to hide his feelings on the matter. He probably didn't like the idea of slavery, but it couldn't be helped. For now. They just needed a little more time... Once his father was dead, Arjana could step in. If his mother allowed it, and she, hopefully, would. She'd never liked the old man, and Arjana couldn't blame her. His father was....abrasive, and that was at the best of times. At his worst, the Emperor was obnoxious and arrogant, and pushy. "They have been gathered in the dungeons for now, to be pursued at your leisure in the morning."

"Have them fed and watered and in the morning, I shall take a look."