Breaker of Chains - Chapter Two

Disappointing. This chapter needs a LOT more meat on the bone. For start, too much telling, not much showing. This chapter, in mine opinion, was your perfect chance to expand upon Kaisar and Arjana's relationship. The way you wrote the ending to the previous chapter, it felt like you were setting up an engaging interaction. But instead, Arjana just finishes the healer's job, and that's that. What kind of person is Arjana under the cruel facade? What is Kaisar like when he's with Arjana and away from prying eyes? These are things you could have expanded upon.

I was also disappointed by the fight scene toward the end. What appeared to just be a random fight could have been an epic twist, followed by a cliffhanger. "The man could have made a decent spy, if only he'd decided to listen." Why NOT make him into a spy? That would be much more interesting than just killing him. For instance, he could have been sent against his will to kill Kaisar, but after Kaisar tells him to stand down, he does so. Intrigued by this, Kaisar takes him in, interrogates him, and after learning his story recruits him--and makes a friend in the process.

Whenever a new face appears, I would recommend expanding upon them, instead of just having them serve a minor role. The more tools you have, the grander things you can build.

See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.

Kaisar grunted as the healer stitched his wound with careful, even movements. It was only the third pass through his skin, but it pulled and burned. The jerking made him bleed more. He hoped it would be over with soon. Pain, he could handle, but some else touching him? Someone who was not Arjana? Now that was making his skin crawl. He flinched when the healer's fingers dipped to low on his hip. It made the healer snap at him to be still. Kaisar did as commanded, listening to the healer's assistant muttering under their breath. They were used to seeing him in the infirmary, so another wound was not unusual. (WAY too telly. I would have shown most of this through both spoken and inner dialogue)

The door opened on creaky hinges, and he tensed up again. A visitor, on the other hand, was unusual. Kaisar opened one eye, seeking out whoever had entered the room. When he found that it was only Arjana, he relaxed and closed his eye. Arjana's footsteps were a sharp contrast to the healer's shuffling, but at least it was a familiar sound. He sank into it. (again, way too telly)

"I was thinking that I had orders, and I was to follow them." He propped himself up on his elbows, acutely aware of the fact that he had no shirt on at the moment. Arjana's gaze drifted over him, the brown eyes darkening slightly. "You told me to go talk to him. What was I supposed to do? Let some worthless slave kill him?" He spat the words in contempt, hating the fact that he was also a worthless slave. Tahirna had its benefits, but it also had some pretty big flaws. It was an empire built upon the backs of slaves, soldiers and whores. It was going to tumble one day, and he planned not to be in its path when that day came. "He would have had me killed if the assassin failed and I did nothing."

Arjana heaved a sigh and turned to reach for the roll of bandages on a nearby table. "Fine," he said, tone sharp. "I can see the logic. Doesn't mean I like it." He turned back and set about bandaging Kaisar's /*stitched*/ wound now that it had been stitched up (too damn wordy). The next few minutes passed in silence. Kaisar waited until Arjana was done patching him up before moving to stand. Arjana put a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to stay seated. "Head back to the room. I'll follow shortly. There's something I need to discuss with my mother."

Out in the hall, he turned left and glowered at the passing servant who'd flinched at the noise. She backed away into the wall as he passed her by, head lowers /*lowered*/ and shaking like a leaf threatened by a strong wind. He snorted and stalked down the hall, grip extra tight on his sword's hilt/*. Just in case*/ in case he need it. He didn't need it until he reached the courtyard in the Royal Quarters. (show, don't tell)

He said a prayer for the man who had tried to kill him (redundant) under his breath/*, then wiped his sword*/ and he wiped blood off on the man's shirt. Kaisar slide /*slid*/ his sword home and stepped over his dead countryman. It was such a waste. The man could have made a decent spy, if only he'd decided to listen. Instead, the man had tried to kill me. A pity. Kaisar shook his head, and crossed the courtyard in swift strides. The guards would probably find the man in the morning, and there would be no questions asked. (again, would have been more interesting if he DID listen)

Hello again!

To start off this chapter, I feel like—from the beginning—you could do a better job of showing us Kaisar's repulsion at someone else touching him, rather than effectively telling us. Perhaps even just rephrasing the sentences, into a form like "His skin crawled as the healer's hands pressed into it; he wasn't used to anyone besides Arjana touching him, and it" gave him some sort of unsatisfactory bodily response (urge to vomit, goosebumps, that kind of thing). This way, you give his emotional reaction a physical grasp in the world, and the reader can feel it through him as well.

For emphasis—how would you feel when someone says "I don't like being touched by others"? Now, how would you feel when someone else says "The feeling of other people touching me makes me want to barf"? While both might be the same level of reaction, one of these evokes a visceral reaction in the listener, which creates a larger impression of the emotion at hand.

"Leave us," Arjana snapped, and the healers immediately ceased what they were doing. He felt them withdraw and felt Arjana's hands take the healer's place. "I can handle it from here. Go tend to someone else."

I'm back for more! Hopefully, I'll get done with all your chapters before review day ends.

Nitpicks!

The jerking made him bleed more.

Now that was making his skin crawl.

He flinched when the healer's fingers dipped to low on his hip.

They were used to seeing him in the infirmary, so another wound was not unusual.

"I can handle it from here. Go tend to someone else."

When his prince didn't reply, Kaisar shifted his arm and opened his eyes, focusing on the other man's face.

She backed away into the wall as he passed her by, head lowers and shaking like a leaf threatened by a strong wind.

"Halt," he snapped, tone biting out the harsh command.

Kaisar swore and made to pull the sword from its sheath.

Kaisar slide his sword home and stepped over his dead countryman.

Instead, the man had tried to kill me.

So, I like the way you end your chapters, I felt more submerged this time around, since I'm getting used to this world.

Anyway, I still don't know if I like Kaisar, his motives seem unclear to me.

It had good pacing this chapter though it was short.

Like Tris said, Arjana and Kaisar could've had a stronger bond with each other, I know you're trying to make them opposite so they make each other whole, but in my opinion it all isn't that strong, I don't really feel anything for the characters, yet, I'm sure you will work towards making me feel stronger for the characters and their relationships in this story.

I don't see why Kaisar had to kill him, it was just a pointless death, does that mean he is to an extent ruthless? I don't know if Kaisar is even the hero or not, I know, the countryman tried to kill him, but, did he really have to kill him back, because, would he have done the same in that position? I dunno, I think I'm overthinking that.

I don't see Kaisar as a white paladin, all heroic and stuff, I like that, he isn't some sort of white paladin, he is his own person, that is one of the reasons I do like Kaisar. I don't really want him to be the heroic hero heroicson, I want him to touch grey, and he does so far.

In all, another good chapter, keep up the good work!

Me again! I'll just get right into my review, shall I?

Pacing was good here, everything progressed nicely, without the bouncing about of ideas that cropped up in chapter one. Length-wise, it was a short chapter, but it didn't feel too short. Very structurally sound, and very readable.

The repetition of the phrase 'the other man' was something that I noticed you did a bit in this chapter. I didn't count how many times it appeared in the interaction between Kaisar and Arjana, but it was enough for it to feel like you were using it a lot. Eventually, the repetition did get a little jarring, so be careful about that one.

The relationship between Kaisar and Arjana isn't quite coming through as strongly as it could. If you hadn't told us they were lovers, I'm not sure if I would have picked it up, based on what you've shown us so far. I can tell that they're very close, and there were a few glimmering moments of romantic tension that I think there just needed to be more of.

The encounter with the fellow in the hallway needed to be fleshed out a little bit, I feel. It didn't have as much clarity to it as it needed, and it just felt a little out-of-nowhere. Up the tension, up the risk factor too potentially, and I think it would be a bit easier to understand.

You've got a bit more characterisation of Kaisar in this chapter, which is great. That said, I'm not entirely sure whether he's supposed to be a sympathetic character or a despicable one. There's some parts that make me want to root for him, then a paragraph later, I'm thinking he's a total jerk. Unlikeable characters are something awesome when done right, just so long as you don't try to paint him as too much of a hero.

There's not really anything else in this chapter for me to critique, so I'll leave things there. Any questions, feel free to let me know.

I'll admit this was pretty good, it flowed very smoothly. Wasn't confusing,

"Pain, he could handle, but some else touching him? Someone who was not Arjana?"
I hated this line. Mostly because it was really dramatic. I kind of didn't like the character because of that but nonetheless still found it interesting.

You have nice visuals, I don't feel lost in your story there's a setting, and it feels like there's a point. Good storytelling. I know this isn't helpful but I'm being honest here.

I don't like the main character again when he kills this man who challenges him. "stupid man." That dialogue was strange, and I sort of resent the character for killing him. If he's so powerful why not just scare him off? The small scene was a little weak, you do so well in other places with description but not there. Your style of writing is not like my own, so I have difficulty telling you where your prose could use some polishing. I don't mind it, because I think it reads fine, and I take it seriously. I take it this is not the end of the second chapter so I wonder what will happen. I missed the first chapter and I don't know what to expect from the rest of this one.

I also thought I should mention the main character being gay. Does it do anything for the story? Are you willing to commit to it? It's a serious trait for a character to have. Because you can't make mistakes with that sort of thing. Lots of criticism if you don't do it right. If you take it seriously, and tell it honestly without any political agenda, or hatred you'll be fine. I just want you to realize it's a challenge for a writer, and it should not be done lightly. I guess that sounds a little odd, but you'd be speaking for a community of gay people. That is if I read it right, and he is gay.