This is a Climbing Rhyme poem, potentially for my sister's wedding if I can make it good enough. All help appreciated!
Wedding Vows
These vows you've made
do not upgrade you;
who displayed yourselves unreservedly
at an early meeting.
Today firstly we celebrate
your first date. Relationships
are complicated but notice
when lovers kiss, each
the other's accomplice, we create
a mutual counterweight to
obstacles navigated together. Rise,
raise glasses, recognise love
and utilise this moment for a toast
to authorise this bride and groom,
already sanctified when they first loved.
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well, i guess you have a beautiful idea, and an awesome intention but there seems to be some little hiccups. The punctuation and progression from one line to the other appears to be poorly coordinated. poetry is disciplined and well structured in all grammatical sense. some lines that run into the next could well have been just one sentence. for instance there was no need to break "These vows you've made" from "do not upgrade you", and also "Today firstly we celebrate" from " "your first date". instead of "Relationships
are complicated but notice
when lovers kiss, each
the other's accomplice, we create
a mutual counterweight to
obstacles navigated together." you could have tried relationships are complicated but when lovers kiss each other, the compliment one another and create a mutual counterweight to obstacles navigated together"
Furthermore, i think the title is also out of place, and the over all composition a bit shaky, but nice attempt tho. try something better, i hope she'll appreciate it.
Thanks for the review! It's probably that I'm trying too hard to stick to the structure of the climbing rhyme poem - that's why the line breaks are every four words. I'll try writing something free verse next time
This doesn't seem right... You like your sister, right? Please try something else for happiest day of her life. If you go along and do this it will be many stares and you will fell awkward as hell. As for your writing skills you should try something else, maybe... You're still young so try some sports or acting because you don't have anything to be a writer... You took something interesting as wedding and bored everyone, and who are you kidding its stress and gifts that make the wedding. If it was the love why would people get married, they would love each other and it would be enough. In reality they just want to commit themselves because they will fall in love with some else in a few days... That's how humans act...
Thank you for your comments but I think my sister and I are less cynical then you
Weddings are for love. They're certainly not done for the gifts as they cost more money than you could ever receive in gifts. It's about bringing both families and all the friends together to celebrate two people who want to have a life together.
There's also the religious aspect to it as my sister is marrying a Catholic and being married in a church is very important to them.
I like the meaning of this poem, but I feel like you had too much repitition of the word "first." You could use different words, maybe, that are synonyms? I think you should also take out the first four lines, they don't really fit the rest of the poem. ^^" You could also work on the flow a bit, I think. Try reading it out loud, maybe?
I think the message was sweet, though! I appreciated the comparison to the beginning of love and then where that love can take you. Thank you for this c: I hope her wedding goes well!
~Joelsweet
(Ps- Keep in mind that I am by no means a professional poet, haha)
Thank you! I'll take another look and yes, I hope the wedding goes well too xD