Echo and Narcissus
Do not forget the lessons of our love,
if I had voice to speak, I'd speak their tale:
one could not love and one could nothing but.
Their fates were fastened like a lover's knot,
sweet Narcissus and echo now so frail.
Do not forget the lessons of our love.
She lost her voice for words can only cut
and hers had rained on Gods like autumn hail.
One could not love and one could nothing, but
she saw him once and seeing not enough
she had to look and learn his full detail.
Do not forget the lessons of our love.
They met at last but peacock's eyes are shut,
they do not see the beauty through the veil.
One could not love and one could nothing but.
So she was lost in grief, her body dust
and only echoes of her words regale.
Do not forget the lessons of our love.
He did not love but was assailed by lust
when next he found his image in the pail;
one could not love and one could nothing but.
You are still young and eyes are quickly shut
but read this copy with your hands like braille;
do not forget the lessons of our love,
one could not love and one could nothing but.
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey there Rydia, here to review!
This is such a great concept, and I love the mythological references. While some lines were a little stilted in their syllables, I think this worked pretty well, and overall the piece managed to have its own kind of rhythm. The unorthodox rhyme scheme only made it better.
Overall, I think Lauren's already covered it well! This is a solid poem. Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
To attempt such a well-worn story as Echo and Narcissus, to put that into such a bold form as a villanelle shows the absolute genius of this poem. I heartily commend you for this beautifully constructed sonnet! Some of the lines were just magical:
"She lost her voice for words can only cut
and hers had rained on Gods like autumn hail."
Simply: excellent.
(This poem seemed faintly redolent to me of Oscar Wilde's poetry)
Heather!
I love villanelles! And this one is particularly lovely; I adore the lines you have repeating, especially the "one could not love and one could nothing but". Now, you're such an excellent poet I'm not sure my sub-par understanding will be super useful to you in a review, but I shall press on nonetheless!
I really like the rhyme patterns you have going on; all but for the "-ail" pattern. For some reason it doesn't seem to really flow right to me. It could just be I have an odd sense of poetic sound, but it just doesn't work for me with the "-ut" and "-ust" pattern(s), or the repeated "love". The sound is just too different, I think. Though, I do really like some of the images you're working with in those lines! So I guess it's hard to pick a side. xD
As far as content goes, I have no complaints. I'm not familiar with the story enough to really say much, but I understood well enough what you were saying and what was going on. Even so, here are a few lines that threw me out for some reason or another:
These two flow weirdly into one another. Almost as if the first line needs another word to really tie into the second; otherwise it feels awkward and misplaced.
For some reason this read oddly to me. It might need some punctuation to break it up right? *shrugs*
And finally, the fourth stanza is weird to me. The first two lines don't really fit with the repeated third. Again, I like what's going on in the first two lines, they just don't fit and I have no idea whether you should stick to it or try to adjust something. /indecision
Other than that, lovely poem! I don't think I've ever read any of your poetry before, but it's really great! Can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Thank you Lauren! I made a small change to the first line you pointed out so now it's 'their tale' and that works much better so good catch!
I'm not sure about the other line yet, but I will think on it. Stanza four also bothers me. Much of the poem bothers me because I find villanelles so restrictive and difficult to write! But they tempt me by being incredibly beautiful in the hands of a master poet.
Once again, thank you for the review!