A Quest You Almost Completed

Darling Heather! Iggy here to admire your work.

I terribly suck at poetry, so I won't be able to offer any useful critique, only squeals over the awesomeness! This was a very cute poem to read, very sentimental, and it feels as if it was or is written for a child. Maybe the narrator's younger self? Either way, it's intended audience is clear!

No definite rhyme scheme, but who cares? You don't need one, your poem flowed exquisitely and steadily. Your grammar was excellent and you did well to paint a nice image for my non poetic mind!

It was wonderful to read! Sorry I couldn't be of much help. Keep on writing!

~ Iggy.

I love this poem. I like it because it isn't something you have to decipher- I'm not good at figuring out meanings of poems. I loved this. I like that if flowed so very nicely. It was beautiful. Don't change a thing about it. If I were to rate this, I'd give it five stars!

★★★★★


Once again, I absolutely loved this. Thank you for sharing it on YWS!
~Jade (IngridClayre)

Hey, Heather!

So here I am for another review!

First Stanza

This stanza is a little boring, to be honest. Yes, it's got that wonder and intrigue about childhood memories and those typical childhood elements of yo-yos and tooth fairies. But it's still too run-of-the-mill.

Some atmosphere surrounding these elements would have been nice to see. Something more that ties these elements to the subject's memories. Not just mere mentions for the reader to catch on and then work out how and what these things mean. It doesn't seem like the subject you're talking about truly treasured these things. And then my connection to the character is incomplete. And since this is a short piece, the connection should catch me right at the beginning if I want to be kept interested.

Maybe add a word or two tagging 'yoyo' and 'a pound' to show their significance. For example:

the mischievous, looping yoyo, that skirted
...
that gleaming circle of a Pound the dear tooth fairy left

Of course, not the best examples, but I'm sure you get the idea.These little characteristics and shenanigans bring out much life from the words.

Second Stanza

This took me a while to fully grasp, so forgive me if my understanding is still incorrect. I think the narrator speaks about when the subject had written his name on a surface and from there the metaphor begins about having lost his identity or personality since back then and of how much he's changed. (If I am correct, then this particular meaning has so much profoundness to it by way of the imagery and description especially with relation to how his name once had proud, large, long letters.) The last line to me stems out of that metaphor and brings me to the present state of him finding his past self.

My only little nit-pick here is your choice of words. Especially in the first line and the last two of this stanza. The first line says too much. Then the second line is just three words. (And I have noticed that the second lines in each of the stanzas have only three words.) Personally, I would have preferred you breaking up the first line from 'you left your name' and join it with the second line. But that would just alter and falter with that solid structure you've got. That first line just needs to be less prolonged. It's just that, if I see a long line somewhere in the poem, it should match with the consistency of the others as well just as how the second lines seem perfect through out. Again, this depends on structure.

Third Stanza

I think this stanza could well have ended the poem (with some alterations, of course). You could have separated the last two lines from the stanza and that could have served as the end. I would have liked for it to have ended just there and leave the assumptions up to the reader.

And to me, this stanza is the most cryptic since it mentions another person ('her') and has already given her the role of having drawn this 'map'. The very map which was guide to his quest and which he couldn't complete. So this 'her' person already has great importance and within that one line, her role is introduced and also over. So there's not too much to draw on or take away with that character and so I don't feel connected enough.

Fourth Stanza

The realization brought upon from this stanza isn't really needed. It's a wake up call that I would probably put on hold. This is my least favourite stanza and gives away too much for the poem to keep it from lingering in my head. I also don't see how what the first and second stanzas say have any relation to them being part of a game. It makes me think the entire first three stanzas are just fabrications and not part of the idea I was hoping this would be. If what I am thinking is true, then what was the real message? Were you referring these past events to being part of a game?

I don't really see the reason for the countdown. It just seems like a ruse to give purpose to the last line. And thus is formed my conflict about this piece. So the last stanza comes out as slightly surplus.

Final Words

I quite enjoyed reading the first two lines of every stanza and that stark distinction between them with regard to the words. 'hiding/finding', 'here... left/lost', 'closing/open' and 'game/reality' nicely fused with the stanzas and gave a sense of symmetry towards the structure. Even how every stanza is actually an entire sentence that's only just broken up through usage of semi-colons and periods shows how much thought you had put into this.

I'm always biased towards titles which share the same lines with ones in poems. This was a good read with solid second-person narrative. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Hey there. I'm no expert on peotry, I actually know nothing about it. I am however trying to understand it.

I like the way you express the story. It is pretty abstract and the title is a bit misleading, but I think I understand what you were getting at. It is about (assumingly) kids playing hide and seek. I'm sure there is an underlying message as well, but I'm not getting it.

I think the title contradicts the poem because it says "almost completed" but at the end of your poem it says, "found you".

Although I didn't completly understand it, I thought it had very good imagery and it relates to everyone. Overall I thought it was pretty good. Keep it up.

Heather, ma darling ma love. Get OUTTA ma head. Seriously.

I'm having a hard time pinpointing what's striking me as not quite right, here. I mean, you have lovely lines like "a pound the tooth fairy left/after you stopped believing." that make me squee with glee. I think it's partly the structure - starting with "remember" for each stanza doesn't work in my head grammatically, so it feels like I'm reading on the edge of a cliff. The only stanza that doesn't feel like a line of dependent clauses is your final one, and with that I want to nix the second line, since it's really not needed - reality vs. stimulated reality is implied; plus, I just appreciate the sort of irony (is that the right word?) that would come from having it read "Remember this is a game:/ four...three...two...one.../found you."

Third stanza is reading awkwardly to me - the first two lines I feel like I've heard before, and they're not stated in such a way that I'm not distracted by that. The next two lines I love the image, but between the sentence structure and the really strong rhythm it throws me off completely - it doesn't rhythmically match anything else you have in the poem. Stylistically, it doesn't make sense here to have such a break from what you do before and after.

"Be" the hero, or "play" the hero?

Arg, I just don't know what to think about your structure, still! Like, it's growing on me somewhat, but I feel like it's just off from clicking really well - like, parts do, like your second stanza (sans the semi-colons; I don't like them there. They're breaking up what otherwise would read as a sentence, and grammatically they work, but in terms of meaning I think they break up something that doesn't need it. Though, it's the same pattern throughout, so I can see why you did them, but I still don't like them there), but as a whole it just doesn't quite line up. And talk about narrative asides

Maybe it's just that I have issues with structure in general I like breaking them more than adhering to them.

Regardless of my personal issues, here, I absolutely love your imagery. It makes me happy. Your second stanza just begs me to steal it and do something with it. And then dangle it in front of you to see if you recognize what awful things I do to your lovely image. Which is a compliment. I promise. It means you're writing things I wish I had so I resort to stealing them instead. Yep.

♥