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Phrase Manipulation poetry! I had a lot of fun writing this, though it was difficult after a while and the original word bank kept changing which meant I had to rigorously edit every stanza whenever I changed a word. Rip it to shreds, then see if you can do better ;)
If you're thinking of having a go yourself, the aim is to write a poem with a minimum of three stanzas which uses the same words in every stanza, but changes the order of them to create different meanings. You'll find yourself doing a lot of building up and breaking down again as every time you add a word to one of your stanzas, you need to find a place to put that same word in each of the others. But give it a go, it's lots of fun!
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
fffffffffffff, I dun even.
Quite coincidentally, I came across a wall of text on your wall and fluttered my way over. I've seen phrase manipulation done before and I've always grasped just this intrinsic beauty and passion for the English language - but also for crafting/polishing, cause as you pointed out, there's definitely a lot of crafting in this. So it's good practice, I might even take a whop at it.
I love this though for the blending of form and imagery, which is something that I myself have been experimenting with a lot, and so I enjoy seeing. The sweeping waves of your lines and the motif of making waves - it's strongly felt there at the end. S'what I love about this piece, because
even though I was spoiled, when you get to the end of it - you come to realize why and how it all holds together, and those yummy layers of insight and meaning is what poetry is all about.But let's polish this?
I think if you switch lines 1 and 2 around in your first stanza - it'll flow better / read more clear, so you get:
Don't forget clarity - there are several parts I had to read over a few times in order to ascertain the meaning. For example:
Not having the commas/punctuation really killed this stanza for me - it was a struggle, because I read it like this: "the lighthouse will make you fear the lost beneath and through your waves" to which I was like ???whut? And there were a few places throughout this piece where the ambiguity in phrasing made me go (whut). But I see what you did - you kinda used the breaks themselves to sort of assist with punctuation, so it's kind of like: "the lighthouse will make you fear the lost beneath. [break] And through your waves, he knows the push of the dark in you are deep" but then it's not consistently like that where the end of a phrase or thought is a break, so that method is fallible. I think prolly what makes this even more difficult may be that you have a lot of articles (3 the's in each stanza. And then possessive yours, and throughs and ofs and such - that's a tough bill!)
I know the form is going to play a big part in this, and also the lack of punctuation doesn't make this job easier - so I know it's not easy and I really admire just how much I got out of this despite these things, which seem rather petty, but I know from experience nixing and rearranging might make the world of difference.
It's funny the reversal that this kind of piece can do, because it really restricts your diction - whereas in other forms, say a sonnet, we're used to having free reign over diction and then being limited to rhythm/rhyme/and breaks. Here, you have free reign over breaks. So make those breaks count!
I took a look at Lysenko's piece and one thing he does so well is that he creates meaning not only by his words/phrases - but also with his breaks and placement, so you really get this sense of a tree looming over you by the end, because the line quite literally looms over.
Your piece here, it creates meaning with words and form - but you seem to use your breaks...errm, actually, I'm not sure. What decisions were had with your breaks?
Meh. It's not exactly the best example. My intention to make waves within your lines. :/ But "Push through" is a good example though, because you get a different experience reading:
but push through the deep
and
but push
through
the deep
Where the second example - the stagnation of the lines kind of mirrors the force of "push" but the problem lies with trying to make that fit into the smooth undulation of waves - I'm so torn, even trying to review this. It's a balancing act, this kinda structure XD Ohmygawd. Still! It's fun to play with, certainly.
I hope that helps or makes remotely a bit of sense.
~ as always, Audy
It makes wonderful sense and I will definitely consider playing with the line breaks more! Thank you so very much, dear <333
It makes wonderful sense and I will definitely consider playing with the line breaks more! Thank you so very much, dear <333
It makes wonderful sense and I will definitely consider playing with the line breaks more! Thank you so very much, dear <333
And you wrote the same kind, Audy, I loved this and that too.
I cannot give the intense reviews of a true poetic master, but I can give you my general impressions of this piece.
I quite enjoyed this poem. It had a tint of darkness to it, which was both mysterious and frightening. I was so enthralled because I usually see a lighthouse as a symbol of hope and happiness. It brings light to those who are consumed by darkness. However, your take on the lighthouse is very peculiar. I definitely cannot rip this piece to shreds, which is good for me because I know I cannot do better. This was a very nice poem and I hope you will keep me posted on your writing in the future. I'm looking forward to it. Happy Writing!
Thanks John! I almost called you Jocke then and from now on that shall be your nickname. It's good to know how a poem made someone feel so impressions are certainly appreciated
Hey Rydia! I'm going to do a quick stanza by stanza review of your poem, then I'll give this a shot myself. I was just wondering, how exactly do you do it?
Anyway, on with the review!
To start, I'll go over how I felt about the poem as a whole. I enjoyed the dark visual between the light house and the waves. I also liked the repetitive pattern of the poem. Whether it was intentional or not, it reminded me of waves. One thing I did not like, and this is totally and completely me being OCD, is that one of the lines started with 'but'. The reason I don't like this is because when you use 'but', it usually implies there is a contradiction happening somewhere, in this case I didn't find any contradiction between the first stanza and the second. Overall, I enjoyed your poem, and with what you had to work with, you did an awesome job!
Now on to the stanza by stanza review.
Stanza one was strong, I especially loved the last two lines. It really leads you into the poem well. The third line was the only line that seemed off to me. 'he knows through the dark' specifically. I can't really figure out why I didn't like it, so really I shouldn't even mention it in the review, but it seemed a bit cumbersome to me.
Stanza number two was also good. I think if you capitalized 'lost' to make it clear that this is some sort of entity, that would make the poem a little more dramatic. Of course, I could be misinterpreting the poem, but I thought 'the lost' were an entity.
Stanza three seemed to be the weak link in the poem. It felt a little forced to me, but that's understandable since you only have twenty-five words to work with. The second line was the one that really through it off. Why would the lighthouse be afraid? The rest of it was okay.
Stanza four was easily my favorite! The last two lines were perfect to finish this poem with. I really can't complain about anything in it. Nice job!
Great job Rydia, I really enjoyed your poem. I'll try to give this a shot, and probably fail miserably. Great job, and keep writing!
The only rule is that you have to have at least three stanzas and you have to use the same words in ever stanza, but in any order. I've seen it done with ten words and I've seen it done with one hundred! I started by writing a first stanza as I would for any other poem and then I tweaked it into a second but changed words to make it work so I had to change the first as well. Then I produced a third and once again changed words to make it work so I had to go back and edit the other two! Then for stanza four I already had the last line as I decided that while writing stanza one so I think it helps if you have some foresight. Technically I'd planned stanza four at the same time as stanza one but the words changed so much in between that it did too.
Basically, you have to build and destroy and it's lots of fun!
Thanks so much for the lovely review *snugs* And I hope you get a notification for this, I think you do...