Men think to run before they know to crawl,
and kiss the forest of a dying Earth,
whose pages burn with these attempts to scrawl
*
where living life is hardest in the fall
and autumn hands are withered from their thirst.
Men think to run before they know to crawl.
*
They cast out lines which snag before they haul,
like plastic wrappers washed up in the surf,
whose pages burn with these attempts to scrawl.
*
But cast your line to heed the siren's call,
but for a moment soft, forget your girth -
men think to run before they know to crawl.
*
These men who run, they are not men at all,
but boys who clock their shadows before birth,
whose pages burn with their attempts to scrawl
*
but only burn and not yet have the gall
to launch a shot in incremental mirth.
Men think to run before they know to crawl,
*
but running now, who might presume to stall
the midnight hour of a turning Earth?
Man thinks to run before he knows to crawl,
these pages burn with his attempts to scrawl.
This is in the form of a Villanelle, though with an extra stanza! If you're not sure what one of those is, you can read up on it here: http://www.writinggooder.com/2013/07/poetic-forms-the-villanelle/
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Heather!
But seriously, they’re what’s really throwing me off, both rhythmically like I mentioned above, but also in terms of what you’re working with. Like, they just don’t quite fit in, and what I remember (I should really dig out my notes, ja?) really loving about playing with villanelles was reworking the repeated lines. I’m not sure how much of a purest you want to be with form, or how strict the form is, since I tend to break rules, but. What if you did something like this, for instance, using your third stanza:
hahah, extra stanza, ilu.
Ok, so I definitely see what you mean about rough. There’s something just a bit off, isn’t there? Though I’m not quite sure what or where. I know we had been sort of talking about rhythm earlier, so I may – ooooh. ok. I have a thought. I vaguely remember when we did villanelles in school, and one of the things my prof. stressed was that the repeated lines could vary, but you couldn’t entirely change them – so maybe you can mess with that a bit? Not entirely changing them, but messing them up a bit more, because it’s feeling wooden, rather than the more flowing/rolling feel I tend to read into villanelles. in
Onto content a bit more – so, in terms of things to revise for, I’d re-look at how to work your repeating lines in more seamlessly. Helpful, right?
They cast out lines which snag before they haul,
like plastic wrappers washed up in the surf,
with pages burnt over unintelligible scrawl.
I went a bit farther outside the repeated line then I’d probably recommend for the first refrain, but it’s just a quick example. Thoughts?
Anyhoo. This is definitely my favorite form of structured poem – so much fun to write! Infuriating, yes, but fun! Enjoy revision, love! <3
Hey Rydia! I'm going to give this a go! I normally review stanza to stanza but I'm just going to try to give a full straight review. I hope it helps!
First off I think that you did a great job with the rhyme scheme and I liked the meaning that I felt was somewhat lodged in it. I think it had something to do with people over-estimating themselves? That's what I took form it. Like these men where thinking too highly of themselves when they really weren't running they were only crawling.
Or it could be when everyone see's themselves in a different light than they actually are and they over-think what their doing and such. I figured the scrawl has something to do with us writers and how we are kind of documenting men's failure in how they see themselves?
I really liked how you wrote this, and would give more criticism if I wasn't such an awe at this writing style I'll have to try it someone. XP I really like it. Also I liked how you separated the different paragraphs with the this little thing: * I think it really works and I love the visual aesthetics in poetry so I thought that was wonderful.
So overall I thought it was well written and I enjoyed reading and trying to dig into the meaning of the work. It was definitely one of those things I'll come back to and re-read to try to grasp it more, because I find understanding poetry very important and exciting, also I love poetry so. XP
Anyways, wonderful job!
--Keep writing and dreaming!
Hi there, Rydia!
This poem is lovely.
I hate villanelles, usually, but this one is very well done and is worthy of praise. I appreciate your use of iambic pentameter, and the repeated lines are used in many different ways. Many times, in villanelles, people tend to rephrase previous stanzas with the same line, so the same thing is said in many of the stanzas. I understand because villanelles are surprisingly hard to write. However, this one progresses, and is much better than those I spoke of. Lovely.
This stanza is the only stanza that isn't really doing it for me. I don't really understand how the last line connects to the rest of it, though if you think about kissing the forests of a dying earth, I suppose it references that line, at least. It's confusing to me, though that might be an error on my part.
Otherwise, I don't have much to critique about this. I love iambic pentameter, though I don't write in it myself very much, and I'm impressed that you would use every aspect of the villanelle. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy poeting!
You lost me around the middle, but I am a huge fan of metaphor. I love the repetition of the line, "Men think to run before they know to crawl," because to me that symbolizes the development of technology today. I mean, we're running ahead of ourselves with all this technological power but we don't know how to crawl, meaning we don't know how to control it yet, and use it all properly. I think that message is really relatable in today's context. Other than the fact that I'm not very good with big words, I loved this poem.
I hope you don't mind if I review your poem.
I've always loved villanelles, and I think yours is an excellent example of a villanelle done right. I think the concept is very cool and the themes are very interesting. You conveyed them well through imagery and your rhythm is spot-on.
I was a bit iffy about that extra stanza when I first read it, but after reading the poem a few more times, I think the extra stanza really adds to the themes of the poem and gives it a nice conclusion.
Once again, great job! I really enjoyed your poem and I hope to read more.