Heather!
hahah, extra stanza, ilu.
Ok, so I definitely see what you mean about rough. There’s something just a bit off, isn’t there? Though I’m not quite sure what or where. I know we had been sort of talking about rhythm earlier, so I may – ooooh. ok. I have a thought. I vaguely remember when we did villanelles in school, and one of the things my prof. stressed was that the repeated lines could vary, but you couldn’t entirely change them – so maybe you can mess with that a bit? Not entirely changing them, but messing them up a bit more, because it’s feeling wooden, rather than the more flowing/rolling feel I tend to read into villanelles. in
Onto content a bit more – so, in terms of things to revise for, I’d re-look at how to work your repeating lines in more seamlessly. Helpful, right? But seriously, they’re what’s really throwing me off, both rhythmically like I mentioned above, but also in terms of what you’re working with. Like, they just don’t quite fit in, and what I remember (I should really dig out my notes, ja?) really loving about playing with villanelles was reworking the repeated lines. I’m not sure how much of a purest you want to be with form, or how strict the form is, since I tend to break rules, but. What if you did something like this, for instance, using your third stanza:
They cast out lines which snag before they haul,
like plastic wrappers washed up in the surf,
with pages burnt over unintelligible scrawl.
I went a bit farther outside the repeated line then I’d probably recommend for the first refrain, but it’s just a quick example. Thoughts?
Anyhoo. This is definitely my favorite form of structured poem – so much fun to write! Infuriating, yes, but fun! Enjoy revision, love! <3
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