Frostbite
By five O'clock
I have coloured every post box
in the city.
I have mooched over lakes,
peered through the windows
at Buckingham palace and sat
down to breakfast with the common garden mouse.
*
All during bedtime.
*
The old dear sleeps longest
in the winter,
her flaxen hair rests on lofty pillows
while I
create
art.
*
At Six O'clock
I glue closed the car door
of a church man.
I press a crack in
to his side mirror with the force
of my thumb.
It looks like calligraphy.
*
I pour a sheen of wax over
your neighbour's drive and
I get down on my knees to really rub it in.
I breathe out ahhhhhhh
and I trace my ancestry in the fractured shine.
*
By seven O'clock
I have bitten the hind legs of a Spaniard
on his first walk outside
but now a light intrudes upstairs.
The orange glow dribbles down, slow,
like marmalade,
then all at once the door opens and light
is everywhere.
*
“Jack!” the old bag calls from the bedroom.
*
But I am already skulking
in the shadows of the bus stop
and it will take her hours
to clean my room.
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140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hello, darling! This one's for the Big Review.
I think these two feed into each other well, but because of the syntax, it makes me trip a little when I read it, and it interrupts the flow for me. I'm not quite sure how to make it so it doesn't trip, but I thought I should point this out, in case this wasn't the effect you were going for here. In addition, for some reason "flaxen" sounds a little clunky as a descriptor; in another poem, I'd probably believe it, but I think you could find a stronger word that fits in well with the characters you're building.I want to start with the fact that I absolutely love the voice and imagery in this poem. Well, let's tackle this one thing at a time.
First, the voice. Having read your responses to reviews below mine, all the pieces clicked into place, and it made so much sense that I was hearing this cackling pride in the lines—the voice takes this poem from another somewhat mundane piece about winter and ice to a piece that revels in the snow, and for me, it makes it worthy of re-reading, because it makes me smile.
Onto the imagery. I really, really enjoyed how you showed the characterization—this feeds into the voice, some—and from the beginning of the first stanza, it doesn't disappoint. The imagery was really strong throughout most of the piece, and it backed up what you were saying (or what you were saying backed up the imagery) very well.
I did stumble over a few images and lines, so I should probably put those on the table.
This whole stanza is a little off for me. I think it's probably the same issue I had with the previous, with the syntax; something in this doesn't feel quite right, and it's more difficult to read than the rest because of the short sentences stopping and starting. The last line really throws it out, so short and enclosed from everything else. It doesn't quite wreck the flow, but it certainly makes it a little more choppy.
Past that: Your syntax in general feels a little awkward after a few rereads. It almost feels like you have too many "I verbed" parts where you could easily cut out the leading pronoun, because it's the second clause in a sentence, and it doesn't really add to the poem for me. Maybe because most of your poem is centered around what your Jack Frost character is doing, but the beginning and end also feel lopsided, with more "I verbed" in the beginning and more description in the end.
In addition, on my first readthrough (before I read your response to other reviews), I had a hard time putting together the puzzle pieces. It might just be me, because I'm not as familiar with Jack Frost as anyone else might be, but I thought I'd let you know.
The ending of the piece wraps it up for me in a nice little bow, and it was really the factor that made me smile, because it does make him sound like such a petty, mischievious little boy. At first, I wasn't quite sure what to expect from the piece until nearer the end, when I realized that the tone was intentional, and it made everything so much clearer and better.
I do really love this poem—this is something I'd probably like to read if and when I move anywhere that actually has winter, even moreso than I enjoyed it now. I've only seen snow a few times in my life, but this made me remember them and wish I had more, especially since it's the middle of summer!
Keep writing!
Thank you! I'm glad you liked the poem despite not having much familiarity with snow and I hope you get a chance to visit somewhere wintry because it really can be beautiful! You're right to think I'm really in love with it xD Thanks again for the advice, I'll see if I can tidy the syntax up a bit!
Hi! I've read many of your works and I think they are really great. Now, about this poem here, I read it a few hours earlier but I wasn't really able to "crack" it, if you know what I mean. Nevertheless, it gave me a good, joyful feeling throughout the reading. I could sense this hint of naughtiness in it. That was enough reason for me to give it a star (you're welcome!). Now that I am here again, I couldn't refrain from acknowledging this profound piece.
Use of figurative devices is really prominent here and it aptly fits the content. The narrator here is not a human, that I am sure of. I guess it implies personification of cold weather (going by your title). In the part of the world where I live, we don't really have that specific personification of cold in popular culture, but I've known him as "Old man winter" and I think your narrator here is just another version of him. The way you have included the timeline throughout, it reminds me of a poem by Elliot. This really helps in establishing clear imagery for the reader.
By five O'clock
:
At Six O'clock
:
By seven O'clock
while I
create
art.
This bit here was genius, a classic example of visual poetry. Loved it!
The orange glow dribbles down, slow,
like marmalade,
This simile is also remarkable.
Now, about the content, the narrator is pictured as a nuisance and he refers to his mischief as "art".It was fun to imagine this naughty creature in action. I think by " I have coloured every post box" ,you mean the frost or snow falling on objects in a cold day.But what confused me are these last lines:
and it will take her hours
to clean my room.
Please explain that for me. And thank you for writing.
-Swopnil
Take Care.
Thank you - you're right, it is a personification of another form of Old Man Winter. We call him Jack Frost over here and he's usually depicted as a mischievous young boy so I was playing on that.
Yes, I did mean he was covering the post boxes in frost/ snow
The last part was the idea that the sun is his parent/guardian and now she has to melt away all the ice and snow across the world - hence she's cleaning up after him.
I'll try to make that part clearer - thanks again for the help!
Thanks for explaining..wow! that makes it even better.
So this work is really cold,as I can tell by the title.
Also, I love the way oy have played around with the formatting of the work. It seems like you have really put a lot of thought into how this will look aeestheticallly for the reader too.
This is really cool and you could write a piece called 'heatwave' and that could provide a really cool contrast.
Thanks for the comment, Bunny! I might have a go at heatwave later this year, that would be fun!
Hi Rydia, so I decided to give some quick review on your wonderful poem.
Honestly, I took a long time to read the poem over and over again and try to find the reason you choose Frostbite as the title of the poem. So look to the chosen genres, I was convinced that it could be as symbolism, there is the meaning behind the word itself. The poem presented in the form of a structured storyline like a diary (going on from five o'clock in the morning until seven o'clock pm). Since the beginning, you already given an amazing imageries in the poem. In accordance with the chosen genre, it really is a fantasy-like mixed up with reality.
Every part of your poem also shows places and different settings with different subjects are also presented along with the messages.
I love how this simile describing the atmosphere of the evening sunset. Overall, the adventures experienced by the speaker in the poem can indeed be discovered its meaning from various angles. Some parts may seem a little bit confusing, but I still enjoy reading it with my own interpretation.
Thanks for the review, DreamWork! The title was a play on Jack Frost and just a bit of fun to tell you the truth
Awe, sorry for a lack knowledge about it! c:
No worries - this will help me work out how to make that more clear
This is a very nice poem, with a reasonably good rhythm. The rhythm is aided by the phrasing of the syllables, and by the length od the lines.
Your main strength is the viewpoint you have chosen to write this with. It brings out features that would have been generally overused should they have been a human perspective, and it allows you use ambitious vocabulary that otherwise you couldn't have used.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Thanks for the comments!