Let Go
I felt it in my gut,
it was going to be a good day - but
then I got fired. Terminated - let go
like too many ladies with their breasts bearing low.
They get tired
of looking after you when you're old.
It's a hard pill to swallow
and the birds flying South in the face of Apollo
are dew, adieu and you, left behind in the wake
of too many short skirts and they're taking a break
in the lieu
of staging careers (an act hard to follow).
You've got to be quick on the draw,
shake the apple cart, find a way to even the score
and lie, until you're dry, or tell the truth through a needle's eye
with a stitch in the hem and you're thinking of them
when you try
with your best to implore
(but they show you the way to the door). *
*/ but it's not enough anymore/ but you're not good enough anymore. The whole of that last stanza is giving me a headache...
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138,507 Literary Works • 672,145 Reviews
Note: this is one of my entries for the Big Review. Hope you enjoy!
Introduction:
Hey there, Rydia! I feel a bit odd about suggesting improvements to such an accomplished YWSer/writer, but here goes nothing...
In this review, I'm going to be highlighting a few areas where I think you could elaborate or change. I hope you find it helpful, and--as always--if you have any questions about what I mean (I can be a bit rant-y sometimes), feel free to reply to this review or PM me.
Ready? Set? Go!
Content:
This is a strong beginning to an obviously strong piece. Your unwaveringly direct voice are already clear to the reader--this isn't going to be a poem that covers anything up.
I love your stark, candid tone, but I'd still choose to add a word here for flow's sake. Instead of "- but / I got fired", it seems a bit more natural (to me, at least) to use something like "- but / then I got fired". Just a nitpick!
These two synonyms confused me for a second, and I think the way they're broken up is a bit misleading. One suggestion I'd have is to put "terminated" on a new line and maybe add some extra punctuation... to demonstrate the abruptness of the discharge. Maybe something like this:
"it was going to be a good day - but
then I got fired.
Terminated - let go -
like too many ladies with their breasts bearing low"
This way, you can retain the rhyme.
Alright, a disclaimer: I would like to first say--before I make this comment--that I understand and 100% am in favor of poetic license in content and especially grammar. I'm just suggesting the below in a personal sense... what I mean is, these are just my ideas.
For a moment, this phrasing confused me. I associated the "they" in "they get tired" with the ladies mentioned in the preceding line. This could be a bit clearer if there were punctuation after the first line and capitalization on the second. What I mean:
"like too many ladies with their breasts bearing low.
They get tired
of looking after you when you're old."
Although, let me say: I love this bit. My mind automatically broke up the words to make the last two lines really emphatic, like "they get ti-RED... of looking af-TER you... when you're OLD". Does that make sense? Probably not, now that I just read it over. Sorry, but I did warn you that I can be a bit rant-y sometimes.
--
Hey, I'd love to know what you mean by this. My mortal brain is too weak to comprehend it, and I don't want to suggest anything misinformed.
I love this phrase. It's leaves you with an image of swishing skirts and clicking heels and of this narrator, left in the dust... "let go".
Actually, that's another awesome thing. In your writing, you're so simple and direct--in complete juxtaposition to the euphemistic "let go". This subtle comparison automatically makes the reader trust you more. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say that this could work as a comparison between the common man and the Powers That Be (the government
I'm actually not a fan of the rhyme between "wake" and "break". I think the sudden switch into rhyming in this stanza takes away from the overall message I just sort of ranted about. Too many words like this, I think, makes the poem seem a bit stopped up and starts to lose that open tone you took earlier.
That's not to say that your rhymes aren't strong--they are, and they're also masterfully placed. But sometimes rhymes are like sunscreen: they can be applied liberally in one area, but if they're not on that bit of your back that hurts SO MUCH when it's burned... it doesn't really do that much.
(Okay, I always try to draw a metaphor out of these things, but that was just pitiful. Just a pitiful metaphor. Wow. O.O)
Oop, small fix here. "A", not "an".
--
Wow, is this a real phrase? If not... THIS IS NOW A REAL PHRASE. I AM MAKING IT ONE. FROM NOW ON, "or tell the truth through a needle's eye" IS A REAL THING. Wow. Amazing idea here.
This line break seems a bit forced. I'd suggest using one of the phrases you mentioned in your note. Here, I tried something...
"and lie, until you're dry, or tell the truth through a needle's eye
with a stitch in the hem and you're thinking of them
you try,
but they're tired of looking at you - and
it's not enough anymore,
(then they show you the way to the door)."
(Okay. Later on, editing this review, it occurs to me that you probably did use the "but it's not enough anymore" because you have a syllabic pattern or rhyme scheme and I got it all wrong and UGH. Sorry. If this is true, just disregard my comments... O.O)
Resources:
- Description: A fascinating article from the NYT. It doesn't have anything to do with your poem, I admit, but it's really quite amazing and I think you'd find it interesting. Link: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/20 ... live/?_r=0
- Description: You've probably read it, but Jon has a unique perspective on the relationship between anger and poetry. Brief. Link: I'm Angry! ...
Sign-Off:
Apologies for the slightly-rushed review. I hope it was helpful and, again, I'm not the poet here. You are. If I got something (or a lot of things) wrong, totally tell me. I'd also love some feedback on my review, for future reference.
Keep writing and--as we say in my hometown--don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark
Thanks for the really thorough review! I've made some of the grammar changes already and I'll have a think about a few of the other things
Well Apollo is the God of the sun and the birds flying South are meant to kind of represent these ladies who are trying to escape the winter of old age. I wanted it to kind of sound defiant but also like it's inevetible that they'll get nowhere. Does that make sense?
Haha, thank you! It's not a real saying but I like to mix up phrases sometimes to try and create new meaning
Anyway, I really appreciate all your thoughts and nothing in the review is wrong - I don't necessarily agree with all your suggestions, but they tell me that something feels wrong in that part of the poem and that is helpful, even if I'm still looking for a different fix if you know what I mean? See you around!
Rydia, I like this poem, even though a cannot relate to it. I've only begun to get jobs, so, I haven't gotten fired, yet.
This poem is a little confusing. I'm not quite sure what your job is. Are you an actor? Or maybe your an apple seller. I'm not quite sure what it means in the third stanza by:
"You've got to be quick on the draw,
shake the apple cart, find a way to even the score"
Does this mean you have to be quick to figure out the way things go at work and how to act? Become the best as quick as you can? Make a good impression on your boss and make them respect you is how I interpreted the line "find a way to even the score". Am I right? If I am, I would gladly take your experience with jobs and use your advise.
My favorite line(s) in this piece would absolutely be
"... or tell the truth through a needle's eye
with a stitch in the hem and your thinking of thinking of them
when you try
with your best to implore
(but they show you the way to the door).*
I especially love how you add that bit at the end that's not in poetry, but expresses your feelings toward them.
"/but it's not enough anymore/ but your not good enough anymore. The whole of that last stanza is giving me a headache..."
Genius! It adds a perfect amount of attitude to your poem's mood, balancing out the frustration you demonstrate through the first stanza. The sad way you demonstrate being let go in stanza two, and how you reflect on what happened, give advise and demonstrate humor and beautiful metaphors which make you sound very intelligent.
Bravo!! I applaude you on this wonderful charm of a poem. I'll take into account every bit of information and advise from you experiance. You're a natural poet!
~Racket
Thank you very much for the kind words and feedback! You are right in your assumptions for what being quick on the draw means and I didn't specify the persona's job type because I wanted it to be generally relevant to anyone in that situation
Thanks again!
Hi Rydia
How are you. This poem is interesting and like Dark, I don't have any first hand experience with the subjects discussed in this poem. Besides that though, there aren't many grammatical mistakes. It's mostly just capitalization and small errors. The similes you used were really good and I overall enjoyed your poem. Glad I got to read it. 
;)
Him, I cannot tell if I like or dislike this... It's not bad or too good. Having no expirience of losing a job or staging careers etc. I can't possibly review this properly. Anyway, you have some capitalization errors in a lot of places. If you notice this real proof reading, next time I suggest you fix the errors.
Miss Rydia;
Too be quite honest, don't know whether I love it or dislike it. I'm a bit confused. I think it's mostly because I have not yet been through what's being talked about in the poem. So I think my lack of experience doesn't aid me at all in reviewing this, but I will attempt.
I don't have much to say, but I can say that you suck your rhyme scheme nicely, and the alternate endings all fit perfectly in the poem. I think I prefer the one you chose though!
Favorite line:
"Of too many short skirts and they're taking a break"
I liked that one a lot, although I don't know specifically why? Haha,
Well, overall, I'd say its way beyond my comprehension, too mature for me, but still brilliant!