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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
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-to make the line about the elevator make more sense, have alex say "i felt as though i had been dropped into charlie in the chocolate factory (or, more so, alex and the chocolate factory". good line, though!
good chapter!
try giving us information in chunks, though, rather than in tiny slivers of detail. i'm not saying you should give everything away--but establish our setting and characters and everything before getting into a different scene. tell us more about aave!!! he is very important and we don't know much about him.
good job, though!
Well, there were no errors that I could find, so that's a good things right there. Also I love the characters you introduce,they seem so real. It's like, you've created an impossible world with such believability that I have to remind myself it's a story.
Very, very good writing (as always!)
Keep posting, I look forward to the next chapter!!!!!
-JC
Awww...sadness. Tell me when you put it back up! Kay, I look forward to reading it!!!!
-JC
So, I haven't read any past sections, but I definitely want to now! I can tell that if I had read what came before, I would love this even more than I do now. You have a very nice style. Easy to follow and pleasing to read. It's kind of relaxing...O_o Haha.
"as if he had been here copious times before."
We all like big words, I know. But here, "copious" for some reason sounds out of place. It just doesn't...fit there. Sometimes simple words are better.
I love that. =D
"and a lady of probably twenty years"
"a woman" would be more appropriate, I think, unless Alex never uses words like that.
"but it had the constancy of melting ice cream."
I think you meant "consistency"?
"Nodding, I sipped some more sweetflower and sunk into the seat."
So what makes her different? She knows now that she is like the Grand Bithol some how, but we don't. All we know is she saw some vision. Unless that's described in earlier chapters? If so, ignore this one. Haha. =p
Oh, this was very good - flowed very naturally and the image in the mirror was pretty neat. I just love your style.
There were a few spelling and grammar errors scattered, but I think you can find those with a single proofread. I'm not too worried.
As for your characterization of the Great Bithol, I didn't get a very good feel for her. I can understand if I am not supposed to get a feel for her personality yet because she is so new, but for future reference, remember to give her life just as you have given Addo and Alex life.
Despite the intrigue of who Aave is and why they need Alex, this part seemed a bit dry - drier than the past parts anyways. It seemed more emotionally detached from Alex in this part. Perhaps part of it was the lack of dialogue on Addo's part, but no matter what it was, it made it a little hard for me to focus. Slow parts are fine, but it might help if you peak the reader's interest more in this part. More scenery perhaps? Or a bit of humor? Just keep the reader interested so we can carry through to the good stuff.
fly and flying together sounds repetitive.
This was nicely done and please keep writing! PM me if you have any questions.