Syradrum 10 (New Alliance)

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Royboy
Comment

Thanks for the imput. I've only got a little time after my computer class to be writing this, so I went and I fixed it up. Next chapter should be sometime next week? I say that as a question because I really don't know how far UHD is going to go. Toodles!

~Roya

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Twit
Review
Twit wrote a review · Sat Jul 21, 2007 10:21 pm

This seems good! I haven't read the parts that come before this, but this bit is certainly intriguing.

Roya wrote:The Aave shrugged, "That's not really my problem."


Full stop instead of comma.


Roya wrote:"What did you do?!"


Have one or the other, but not both.


Roya wrote:"I believe your father was recently killed," he mentioned as if he were stating it as if he were simply saying what time of day it was.


Nix this bit; were you going to delete this, but forgot?


Roya wrote:I couldn't believe that he had a conscious or was generous.


Conscious = conscience


Roya wrote:His eyes were the color of baby rose leaves, but they had no mercy.


Nice contrasting description there.


Roya wrote:"Zip it." Then he snapped again.


Comma after zip it, and nix the then.


Roya wrote:Rage exploded in my eyes and I would retort if I could.


You switch tenses here. Change it to, I would have retorted if I could.


Roya wrote:I would have asked gone on to ask who had stolen it, had my mouth not been super glued with magic like peanut butter in a bird's beak.


Comma between stolen it and had my mouth....


Apart from those above, it was very interesting. :)



We are not to simply bandage the wounds of victims beneath the wheels of injustice, we are to drive a spoke into the wheel itself.
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer